Is the answer to the state of marriage in the modern world a giant commune? No wait, there was already a thread on that and it would not work. I don't know what would work, or what would solve the problems, or even for that matter, what the problems are. Except that I said I was going to stop posting, and that there is not enough caffeine in my brain.

Ah, PC Geek, but what does commitment mean? If its the old ball and chain, then yes, a house or child or joint finances mean that its not that easy to get away. You have some ties that bind whether you want to be bound or not. To me that is not commitment, commitment is being with someone because you want to be, not because circumstances force it. Its voluntary. A house or a child represents perhaps greater RISK in a relationship if something goes pear shaped. ( I love that British phrase! where did it ever come from?) OK..I am stopping, there is not enough caffeine in my brain to fire the synapses, and I HAVE to get something done by days end.

Living together was fine...no problems. Marriage meant more of a commitment though...and of course this is a very individuated experience and so other people might have very different thoughts. This is just what MY experience was. On the negative side, marriage seems to bring out more gendered expectations...of the traditional sort. If you are comfortable with those, that might not be a problem. In my case, where I was not wanting to fulfill roles based on gender, it was a problem.

The diff between marriage and living together?? Well, I think for some people there is a deep unconcious and unrecognised way they think that men and women should relate once married...that may not surface whilst living together. Marriage is a "loaded" institution--it carries a lot of social norms and weight, and I think to say those do not affect people is naive...they do. We might elect to ignore them, disregard them, whatever, but they ARE there.

On the plus side, I thought being married was "sweet". I liked it, I liked it in the sense of how it feels to be inside on a winters day with a nice fire in a fireplace, watching an old black and white film. Don't know how else to describe it on this forum, really, but it was just a feeling of sweet contentment and happiness that was different than that of the living together.

Need coffee...will stop rambling...but I think its hard to generalise on names and marriage and etc...because of the individual values and history and identity so wrapped up in each of these. I just ask that people respect my choices, as I am glad to respect theirs, whether or not its the choice I would have made.

Marriage is or can be different than living together...in ways good and bad. My marriage experienced both. That said, I did like as I said, being married...why? I liked the commitment, the sharing of our lives on that deeper level, of being that special to someone that they said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Yes, you can have those things without marriage. Marriage, as names, is an intensely personal choice, and what we bring to it as individuals is very different from person to person.

hate the short word count in these...anyway...

Marriage as an institution is a complicated issue. I think that if traditional marriages are the ones that survive ( whether successfully howsoever defined or no) that says that it is an institution not equipped to deal with the modern demands of Western life. ( am narrowly only talking in a most Euro-Amerocentric sense of marriage, I admit!)

Although my marriage did not last, I will say I enjoyed being married.I had many of my happiest days being married. My partner and I lived together for four years before we married, and there WAS something very different in being married than in living together.

Well happiness may not be the best measure of success of a marriage, I suppose it depends on how you define success....happiness is perhaps only a Western modern sort of view of it. Some cultures might say a marriage failed if the woman did not give birth to a son or many sons. I think in Western modern cultures to equate success of a marriage with longevity is inaccurate, but it seems to be one of the measures we hear of time and again.

PS
meant to add I really liked Shani's comments on the value of the network--that is a valuable insight!

It can be as simple as telling some one that you really enjoyed their paper, that it was informative on point x y and z or whatever. Presenters DO want to know that they did a good job and connected with their audience, no matter their status in their profession. A kind word from you in the audience, with a comment or question on a particular point of the paper will no doubt facilitate some conversation. Even if you cannot think of a single point to address in particular, simply saying, Thank you, that was a very interesting paper and I felt like I really learnt a lot by hearing it, will open the door to a conversation more than likely.

We never did have kids, but that was not because of the name issues!

That said, studies show the most traditional marriages are the ones that last the longest ( at least in the US), but that should be interpreted with caution, because just because a marriage lasts does not mean its successful in that, are the people in it happy? That is the measure of a successful relationship--not mere longevitiy.

That was far more of an issue when I was married, when people deliberately decided to ignore that I had not taken my husband's name and called me Mrs Husband. That bothered me. Also, when my ex and I were discussing having kids, I made the point also made on here about surnames, that if I did all the work, surely the child should have my last name and not his! I said his last name would make a great first name, which it would have. His reasons for wanting a child to have his last name were so that his name would continue, etc, and I said, why is that any less valid for me than for you?

The name thing is emotional, because it is so personal. I think, despite my own views on my own name, that people should take or use whatever name best suits them and their own identity. Because a name is about identity, its personal, and just because I had and have a certain view on what I want to be called does not mean I mind if other people have another view. I DO mind when people do not respect my choice.

ABD in American Phd Studies reflects the completion of all required coursework, of which there is plenty, and other requirements, so that "all" that is left is doing the dissertation ( thesis if you are doing a UK PhD, some piece of writing).

Thus, by the time the whole marriage and wedding thing rolled around some years later, I had already arrived at my views on my name. People asked me what my husband to be thought, and I said, you know what, whats it to him? its not HIS name! and no one is asking him to change HIS last name...!!! so there was still this really prevalant view ( and not that long ago) that my NOT taking my husband's name should give him some pause. Well, it never did, although perhaps he did not want to take up a losing battle but, I think people keep or change their names for a host of personal reasons, that sometimes, but not always, translate into bigger views on issues. Sometimes it can be as simple ( either way--changing or not changing) as expressing who you are to the world.