I think I heard the time proximity pal for the first time from my sister, to describe those relationships with co-workers that do not transcend work place changes--but are real enough relationships in their own time and space. So I guess for me a litmus test is to see if a proximity pal will become a real friend ( for me, that is someone I trust, someone I have something in common with besides work, etc..someone I would want to spend some time with away from work--or in this case, PhD studies).

Bottom line--you have to have time for yourself. It may feel hard to find and hard to take, but you have to, to keep a healthy balance for mind and body.

Smile and give trivial and superficial details. Your weekends are always "great!" your studies are always " progressing" etc. No one has a need to know more than that. You can be friendly without divulging your personal details.

Personally, as someone else posted, I think that this sort of behaviour goes on when people do not have a life outside of the immediate environment and nothing else to talk about.

If nothing else, you can bore people with the details of your butterfuly catching and butterfly collections. A lengthy discourse on the correct netting on a butterfly net and the need for the right south-southwest breeze to lure in the Great Spotted Flying Whatever might drive people away. Or---a discussion of trout lures and trout recipes could have the same effect!

A supervisor is not a friend--might be friendLY, might be collegial, etc, but the relationship is not the same as with the person with whom you hang out down the pub, that you knew from childhood, etc. I think the issues are the same in the workplace, of any sort, of figuring out what the correct boundaries are. You sound like you are in a place that has NONE--and that is probably a hard environment to be in.

Decide how YOU want to interact with others. If people tell you things that make you uncomfortable, can you politely change the topic and say you are not comfortable discussing other people? Do not repeat things that are said to you--people will figure out quickly you do not engage in gossip and may see you as trustworthy. Keep personal details of your life to a minimum when you interact with other people.

People who are on about others, whether its students, staff, other colelagues, etc. are not professional at all. Its sad to hear that you have to deal with this. Its a very disillusioning and I imagine upsetting experience. All the more reason to think of the importance of personal boundaries when dealing with students, staff, whomever...remembering that perhaps only a handful will become true "friends" and that the rest might fall at best into the category of "proximity pals" (people that you are friendly with because you share the same space and time, but once that is removed, you have nothing in common).

This is why raising sheep and spinning wool looks like an attractive option to me. Digesting the details of academic daily life is a bit eye opening. It is all competitive and there is a constant pressure to have academic outputs. I am not sure the pressure is more or different than in other sorts of professions, in reality, academia is although a world unto itself. My own question for myself--will this be fulfilling? Is this what I want? Its a difficult thing to answer. The easy thing would be to shut my eyes and just continue down the path. Except, that would not be easiest in the end, because there is a part of me inside that wonders if it is a viable choice. Which is hard to know...

Some conferences are also more formal perhaps if there is an event on in the evening--generally the conference programme indicates the level of dress, i.e. smart casual, etc. Although what is smart or business casual is in itself a matter of definition. You might want to take a range of clothing, and judge for yourself what seems to be appropriate, such as a pair of decent jeans, something a bit smarter, and then you have the choice. I can see it would be horrible to be the only person in a suit when everyone else is in jeans...

I see a mix of clothing at conferences, from shirt and tie and jacket and suit, to jeans, all at the same one. I myself tend to dress as I would if I was going to work ( or research during the day at the university) in a skirt, tights, sensible shoes, etc, in conservative colours of black, grey, navy blue or white, and a conservative shirt or blouse ( long sleeves, buttoned up). That said, each field has its own rules, but as a student trying to get your foot on the bottom rung of the ladder, I think you will not go wrong by being smartly dressed but you might go wrong by wearing jeans.

This may just be "me", but I think if you are wanting to make a professional impression, it would be important to be smartly dressed through out. You never know who you might meet in a casual conversation, during coffee or otherwise, and I think its important to make an impression of being "professional" in your approach to your research, albeit you are a student.

I don't really know any solutions...being told carry on and so on and so forth does not really deal with the problem. As this surely is not a problem unheard of with PhD research students, I am frankly surprised that universities do not do more to deal with this and recognise it. It has got to be a huge contributor to why people do not complete PhDs.

I too can sympathise with how draining over time the isolation can be--before the PhD study which I relocated to finish, I had a life surrounded by family and friends, and plenty of activity. I generally am a laid back but out going person and do not have trouble making at least a few friends whereever I go...but the story here is very different. I have a few people I hang out with from time to time, but as they are international students in other fields, schedules can be difficult to match. I have tried to keep myself motivated and interested, plus trying to do activities outside of the study...but after awhile it does get to seem difficult to keep on with it all.

at least for the moment--trying to take the frustrations of the last week or so and translate them into "what I have to say" in my writing ( in a focused, constructive, academic way). But I am writing about a rather B O R I N G and over-belaboured concept, and I am trying to express my ( academic) view about the reasons that the existing discussions all fall short ( in my opinion!). In short, getting back to the basics on my topic, from a fresh ( and recently frustrated) view--its giving new life to the writing, and so at least for the moment, I am engaged again, writing, feeling more energised and interested in my topic.

Really sorry to hear this news, Pineapple. It must feel so devastating, especially after the work you have put into this. I can imagine it is quite a blow to confidence and the will to try to resubmit. I am a bit ignorant about how the whole upgrade thing works, but surely it is a good sign that you have the option to submit it again? Perhaps in a few days, you can try to come up with a plan to tackle the points needed in the resubmission...but in the meantime, I would think you just need some time to destress and have a good think ( scream/cry/pint(s) of beer) over the whole thing.

Its a bit distressing to realise that something like that can have such an impact on mood, and that is not to say that the entire dilemma is simply a hormone fuelled one, its not at all. But it is to keep in mind ( literally?) that our mental status is influenced by any number of physical factors. All the more reason to seek some balance in life and make sure I am taking care of myself--not doing that is going to drive up stress levels, doing that will help ease them...the underlying dilemma remains but a few attempts to change some lifestyle patterns here and a recognition of contributing physical factors also changes how some of the issues look.

Without (hopefully) going into too much personal information, in thinking carefully about the timing of my moods, they are somewhat linked in time to hormonal levels. All women have hormonal level shifts through out the month, I as a mature mature student am in a decade of life changes, and ought to be aware of the impact that hormonal shifts have on mood. I woke up today feeling bright and cheerful and sunny, without the tearfullness and sadness of the past week...and no doubt in some manner linked to changes in hormonal levels.