You have to be clear in your own mind about what you want and why. I know that this PhD is very important to me, with all its challenges and obstacles, and that is what allows me to work through the feelings of wanting to run away from it. Ignore the *£%)!!??@@~" on here and anywhere else that tell you its failure to not go on. Listen to your own heart and soul on this..and nothing else.

Its YOUR life, your PhD. You are the one who has to get up every day and do it...or not do it. Anyone who posts on here that says not continuing is failure is a $(£&$£)*£$. Sometimes the most courageous act is walking away--out of a doomed and unhealthy marriage, a bad job, or a bad fit in a PhD setting. It does not mean you cannot return to it some other day some other time. On the other hand, just because you feel overwhelmed and like quitting does not mean you should...to be honest, at some point every week I feel like that! I think its just part of the PhD process.

Who has yieleded in their life to pressure to marry because they were 21 or 25 or 30 or whatever, and married who was around, not necessarily the best choice for them...and then had to live with the aftermath of that? Parental expectations DO guide our choices to a greater or lesser extent, EVEN when we are adults. Its hard to admit it but its there.

Just last night I was lamenting to myself the overachiever status in my head...more is not enough. Coming from a highly competitive and very intellectual family, its hard to shed those messages.

first of all lost in oz, I totally sympathise with you, about the stress, about the want of support, and about the indecision that can wrack your convictions about what you are doing. In the end only YOU can make the choice to stay or go, and its only YOUR needs that should dictate this. You cannot live for anyone else. Do not make major life choices because you want to please someone or because you think you "should" do something. This is as much for PhDs as for having children, getting married, taking a job. Listen to your gut. Is this not the right path for you at the moment? Nothing says you HAVE to finish, or canot take a break, or even just decide its not the right time for you. Its NOT failure.

I think not liking where you were certainly would make it worse! I think that Leone and I are saying the same things...! My mind is clogged with work too and so I may not have made my point as clearly as I wanted!

I think its perfectly possible to be homesick and still really like where you are. I enjoy the UK a lot! That said, I miss people and things from "home" even while liking and enjoying my time in the UK. I think an ability to get back home in a few hours versus a long haul flight can change the mental perception about how far away things are and change the mental outlook. I know I cannot get back to the US on a whim and so it does feel more distant, and sometimes that makes the people and things I miss feel more out of reach.

My antidote is to remember why I am here and get stuck into the PhD work and then also to try to find those supports and enjoyable activities that are so important in the environment around me.

I think being homesick is just a sign of having strong attachments...not a reflection on how well you like or even how well you have adjusted to your new place.

I would not see those as offensive ( though I can understand how it feels very personal..) but as some steps to move you along in the next phase of your research. A supervisor really cannot be a friend--at least I do not think so--in that the role of a supervisor is much more than what you need from a friend, and you and the supervisor have to have good boundaries in order to have a good working relationship. Much the same is negotiated in the workplace, where people have to figure out whether and how to be friends with work colleagues. Meeting every two weeks is still a frequent amount of contact--daily contact I think is a LOT!--and as you are to work independently as a PhD research student, this helps move you down that road.

You just got handed more freedom and more responsibility--those are good things---the next step in your progress in your PhD career!

Congrats!

I have had moments of just wanting to burst into tears from missing people from "home" at certain moments, and really also missing my dogs, and I think that is to be expected--to miss what you care about! I don't have a magic bullet--I just try to remember why I came to the UK, and what I DO enjoy about it, which is a LOT! One thing that I have really liked is taking some guided walking tours with a local Blue Badge guide. It has given me an enhaced sense of where I am, and I love history, and two, it just removes you from the grind of the PhD--its fun! And at just a few pounds per walk, its affordable now and again on a student budget!

Maree, are you presently in the UK? Where is your husband located? I am an American transplanted to the UK to do my PhD, and can sympathise about the difficulties of moving to a new country and embarking on a challenging research degree. I too have to contend with being homesick from time to time and making the adjustments to not only a PhD but a new everything!

I find that trying to limit the contact with "home" has helped me get into a frame of mind of being "present" where I am, instead of longing to be back home. I still email some people nearly daily, but the emails are now shorter and their response no longer feels like a lifeline to the real world. I think just making yourself have some connnection to the here and now, in the physical world helps.

I am realising the importance of friendships and social contacts as an antidote to stress, even if you are not pouring your heart out to those people, simply having the contacts and doing something with people is very stress relieving. The relative isolation of the PhD does not encourage forming these supportive networks, and so the day to day stressors you might vent to your other half/best friend/whomever about I simply just keep inside without anywhere to express it. I have tried to deal with this by some increased contact with support network at home, but that has its plusses and minuses--it can aggravate the feeling of being far away and alone as much as it can help.

It boils down to the need for a better network of friends in this country, even just casual friends, and I am trying to do things like meet people for coffee, etc., once or twice a week just to have that contact.

Thanks for the sympathy Shani. There are some external events unrelated to the PhD that have contributed of late, and which are exacerbated by me being overseas! I try drinking tea before I go to bed, simple soothing herbal types of teas, and staying off caffeine past mid morning, gentle exercise, etc. I am in a sort of stress spiral that feeds on itself, I think, but will manage. Part of this is just going to be something I work through. I think that part of it as well is just due to the internalisation of stress, because of the lack of the type of friendship network I had at home.

SJO I wish you the best in getting things sorted and getting your writing up done and your move to the US successfully done. It has got to be hard to write up with an imminient overseas move and all its complications to deal with as well.

Smilodon, oh yes, I do remember the Evil Fluffy! Is he still up to his no-good kitty ways? Will he come along with you when you move house or is he a fixture that goes to the new home owners?

I am having horrible insomnia and stress. I am combatting it by just staying awake until I am tired, given the lack of TV or internet where I live, the choices are limited...and then I wake up the moment the sun comes up, so I just got up and got to my desk early, and am trying to be productive.

You will like Virginia SJO--it will all be worth it when you get there. Its a great state with a lot of variety, mountains, ocean, the tourist bits of DC are great, a lot of history ( for America), etc. One side of my family comes from there, so its a place I think fondly of. Hang in there!

I feel the pain for you Smilodon and SJO--its a big move to another country and new job and I hope all goes well for you, and that the pieces fall into place. The stress of it all is surely no fun. And Smilodon, like you, I am trying to figure out the realistic deadline for submission of my thesis...just did a master work plan...but will review with my supervisor tomorrow ( along with a growing list of other things!) to see what is what. I am still at the university!!!!!!!!!!!! Its time to go home because insomnia or not I need to pretend to try to sleep and be up early to get at it all again.......! At least misery loves company and its somehow reassuring to know I am not the only one feeling really wired and stressed.

Sometimes when suffering with jetlag I have used over the counter sleeping aids--because I tend to wake up at 2 a.m. and not get back to sleep until about 8 a.m. with jetlag, when I need to be up and functional...so the sleeping aids force my body into a new sleep cycle whether it wants it or not, and I at least get the minimum of sleep to function the next day. I think that so long as you can tolerate the over the counter aids, once in a while is not a problem. I am not sure they make you any more drowsy than a lack of sleep!