Hi Monkia, I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this. It is completely unprofessional and unacceptable for your PI to make these comments towards you. Your PI has no right to comment on your personality and how he feels about it, this is bullying.

I think that you need to make a record of this, or tell someone you trust (a personal tutor or some sort of student support type person) and then decide whether you feel comfortable to bring this up with the PI yourself, or with another member of staff. But definitely seek advice and let us know how it turns out.

It is ok to be shy! After what you’ve been through it is probably normal that you have lost self esteem and confidence of late. Don’t be harsh on yourself, you deserve to be safe and valued in the place you work. You deserve nothing less!

I also disagree with the others here, nothing is more important than your mental health. You have suffered a recent bereavement , cancelling is the most responsible thing to do if you're feeling fragile. Don't let others tell you otherwise! It's not as big a deal as some people think. It won't affect anything. Take care :)

One thing someone told me last week that's helping me a lot , is to remember that actually it's good you feel this way because it means you're challenging yourself. You're not stagnant , if it was easy then we wouldn't learn anything. It helps me to be more positive to think about that sometimes.

Hello, I feel exactly the same way (minus culture difference). I find it totally overwhelming! I have heard that it's very common, the word imposter syndrome is used a lot. I think that perhaps for some people (including me) the first year is hardest. It takes a long time to settle in, cut yourself some slack. You will get there! May I ask how you're doing now?

A few people have told me I'm courageous to have done what I've done , and then even more so to show my face again in the same place it happened. Which is nice to hear l, and I do try to feel proud rather than like a fraud. However after a while I just feel sad and let down by everyone for not helping me at the time. I am angry that I was the person who had to take this on, and even though I'm aware it's complicated and scary for all involved, I don't know why people's sense of morality stops at themselves and they don't demand better treatment. I can't help but feel bitter, as if people let themselves be treated like shit, it doesn't just hurt them, it has a knock on effect on everyone. I'm I feel completely disillusioned with academia and disappointed :( and I don't know why this is hitting me so hard now I'm in a good situation. I know I need to let it go, and stop this bitterness growing even more.

I am on a long waiting list for counselling , and I know I definitely need that. Not just because of this situation, but other stuff that was going on at the same time, I had to block out in order to get through the days. I'm aware it's been a rough ride , and that I should give myself a bit of a break... my passion for my PhD may just come back in time.

I know I'm repeating myself here, but I'm just really alarmed by my lack of motivation, I know I'm fortunate to be in the situation I have ended up in now in many ways, but I worry that I'll never start feeling better and I'm so tired of it. I try to challenge my negative thoughts about my own ability and worth , but perhaps they are engrained in me at a deep level.

I suppose I'm just wondering if any of you have experienced anything like this , and whether there is any light at the end of the tunnel ? Do you think the way I'm feeling is normal perhaps ? Is there any advice you can give ?

Thank you in advance

I'm a long time lurker first time poster. I don't know if people can help me, this is more of a ramble. However it would be nice to share anyway and see what you think. I will try to keep this vague/unidentifiable where I can.

I started a PhD over a year ago, and in a similar fashion to people who have posted here I entered a toxic lab environment (concealed to me prior to joining) with a bullying PI with a notorious reputation. I lasted a few months before I got to point where I realised that I had to do something. I knew no matter what I should not complete this PhD with this person in this lab, for both my mental health and my academic career. Those before me had their lives essentially ruined by this lab and none were able to continue in the field. All knew it was unacceptable, but all were too afraid to speak out without anonymity. It was really hard but I made the decision to take a risk and formally report this person. The risk paid off in many ways , after a very long time at home waiting and waiting and I finally got assigned to a fantastic PI and I'm a couple of months in to a brand new PhD. The complaint is still progressing and my former PI is still in the same building as me.

I waited so long for this new PhD and was delighted that despite the pain I got another chance. However now I've started, I've found myself plagued with anxiety and imposter syndrome. I have read that when you've been through a bad experience your body can protect you by being numb to it , until the moment when you are "safe" again or in a better environment, and then you will process it. It feels a little like that... I feel constantly stressed and overwhelmed, to the point I've started having random panic attacks and chest pain. I've lost my motivation to read or really engage in my project (although I was beginning to get back into it, but then I ended up being involved in more meetings to discuss my old supervisor as the procedure took a step backwards - it's a year later :S ?! Anyway , I found this really stressful and discouraging). (Continued below...)