sometimes i think that one reasons why relationships are so complicated today is because we've all turned to the ideology of "self-fulfillment". for some of us, that might be a major reason why we are doing a PhD. i'm not saying it is wrong to insist on having your own life. but it's kind of obvious, isn't it, that in a society where individual fulfillment is writ so large, it is harder to have relationships, because relationships always require compromise, giving as well as taking. the difficulties of combining a PhD with a relationship might just be one very clear expression of this: the paradox of wanting to achieve your very own goals and needs while at the same time wanting to share your life with someone else, who, usually, will also be wanting to achieve his/her very own things.

i very much do see the point of there being many single female Drs. out there. in general, in western societies, we do still "mate" in gender-hierarchies: he is taller than her, earns more, has higher education. the other way round is much too rare. as women today achieve nearly as many PhDs in Europe as men do, it is becoming increasingly hard for them to find "suitable" partners. men, on the other hand, are also finding it hard: imagine doing your PhD and having a wife at home who manages your household, organizes your social life, and caters to your emotional needs, all the while working and earning enough to also support you financially. the PhD would be a lot easier... as any career would... but such "wives" are harder to find today and many men wouldn't want that situation anyway.

ok all, i feel i've got to say, you shouldn't blame the PhD for everything. i mean, lots of people who aren't doing a PhD/aren't in an academic career still have lots of trouble, relationship-wise. and on the other hand, i am sure i'm not the only PhD student who has a happy relationship.
i agree that doing a PhD is hard work, timeconsuming, and requires a lot of - not the least, emotional - engagement. in that way, it is just as hard for relationships as any other activity which has these attributes. it may lead to unemployment, or precarious work. this might be a strain on relationships, as other precarious work might as well. i am the first to critizise that all is not well with PhDs today, and agree it is hard to "have both", and sometimes unachievable, but it can work. my current relationship survived my partners PhD from beginning to end, and i do hope it will survive my own PhD too.

oh, this is off-topic, but yes - after doing some household work i'm off now, to explore my lovely new neighbourhood by bike. hope you get some fresh air too!

yes, the icelanders... there is much the rest of the world could learn from them!

heya yeismeload, well that's just the point, isn't it - what are you ready to give in order to be an academic. certain creature comforts are not so likely in university careers.
on the other hand, you gain much, too. you have a job that you like, which is a huge luxury if you imagine the contrary, which holds true for most people. you will have stressful times as an academic, but it won't be the kind of stress the "city-types" have.
also, it is not a given that you will be poor. sounds like you are open to travelling. well, after your PhD, get a job somewhere like Switzerland, Dubai, or perhaps even China, and you might pay off that debt within no time at all. PLUS you'd get some distance to your family
what i'm saying is just - the future is not as bleak as that! (that's what i mean when i say it takes a healthy portion of optimism...)

juno, you are so right, and i agree that the spanish system sounds good. my idea would be that both parents keep their name, their children get a double name. mrs smith, mr jones, kiddies smith-jones. to avoid the names becoming quadruple and eightfold in the following generations, children would choose upon coming of age, or at the latest when they have their own kids, which of these names should be their primary one, to be given on to their children.
the only drawbacks i see here are: having to decide by yourself which of your parents' names you prefer might cause hostilities in families. and: for sake of ease and tradition, it might be that most everyone chooses their father's name, thus individually reinscribing the patrilineal system by "free choice".

myself, i was lucky to get a grant that covers my fees. combining this with part-time work, extending my time schedule, and a chunk of optimism, i can continue. what price are you ready to pay?

in the short term, have you considered applying for hardship funds?

as for the real question: i was/am in a similar situation. wanting to do that PhD, one year in, but not really able to afford it. well, the PhD comes at costs (financial, but also otherwise). even those who have full scholarships pay a price, as they could be earning much more elsewhere. the question is, what price can you and are you willing to pay for your PhD.
- you could go parttime and find yourself a full-time job. that would solve your financial trouble. the cost would be that it would take you significantly longer to finish the PhD, and you would be very busy.
- you could take a year out, in that year sort out your finances (by working, and/or applying for funding)
- you could continue amassing debt. that might in fact be the "cheapest" way of getting your PhD.

yeismeload, that is a difficult situation to be in. your family trouble certainly does not help. one thought here - it sounds like your father is exploiting your financial dependence to buy your loyality. but - is this really an element of your "contract"? or do you just believe it is and are afraid to find out? maybe it would help to have an open conversation about this with him. you could argue that you don't want to take sides in your parents' hostilities, as it is not your business. you want to keep having a good relationship with both your parents and their hostilities should not impinge on this.

well, some people argue, why should you prefer one name which you got from a man - your father - to another name you get from a man - your husband. anyway, i'm all for keeping names, but according to the laws i know (swiss) it is not possible for both partners to keep their exact names. you need to agree on a "family name" which will also be your children's name. so if smith marries jones, you either have "smith" and "jones smith" (children called smith), or "jones" and "smith jones" (children called jones), or jones and jones/smith and smith. mr smith jones may choose to call himself simply mr smith, thus appearing to have kept his name, but legally he will be mr smith jones and his kids will be joneses. does anyone know exactly what the legal situation is in the UK?

I disagree with Konic concerning the passport question. In any of those countries, if a university offers you a post-doc level academic job, it won't be hard to receive a work permit, no matter what nationality you have. Highly qualified immigrants are welcome most anywhere.
I believe the first hurdle would be the value of your PhD. For example, I've heard that PhD's from not very high ranking UK universities won't necessarily be accepted as equal to US PhDs in the US. Jobs requiring a PhD in the US might not be open to you if you received your PhD somewhere else. It all depends on the relative "image" of your university/department and on achievements which underline the value of your PhD such as high-impact publications.

btw - i'm hoping that academic search machines soon become sophisticated enough that when you search for an author's name, they will automatically display also the results which were published under a different name but by people who have that name now. hm. suppose it would only work if people who changed their names actively informed the search machines who could then establish the links. but technically it should be possible, i think - after all, we do find "all the papers which cite this paper" and "all the papers cited by this paper" which seems to be a similar technical problem.
alternative strategies are: cite your own older papers; keep an up-to-date homepage on your university site which includes all publications; put your previous name in the first footnote on all new papers. then people who search for your work will quickly also find your older work under different name.

juno - i was always certain i'd keep my name. i was also always convinced that there is no need to get married at all.

well, now i can see my partner's point that he wants to be our potential future children's father legally, and although this does not require marriage, it does make it uncomplicated. also, my potential future in-laws are a bit conservative and i do feel a little pressured, as i know they would be disappointed if we had kids but didn't get married. so have been thinking about it. here's what i ask myself: can i expect my partner to take my name if i wouldn't take his? and: what about our kids - what name should they get, that we could both be happy with?

wow chris, that's great! let me join in the celebrating - my partner too has landed not funding, but a great job. Whoohoo!

wow, i love that phrasebank. i often proof-read english texts for non-native speakers (me being the one-eyed among the blind) and was just today considering starting such a list of my own. spared the effort. thanks!