Oh Bug, I hear you hon! It sounds (as ever you mad woman ;-) ) that you have so much on your plate right now that this is just one thing too many and the toys have well and truly flown out of the pram. I too indulge occasionally in a bout of 'la la, I can't hear you - head under the desk - go on strike' type behaviour and I think that sometimes its just necessary to put it to one side (preferably under a pile of 'stuff' so you can't see it) and ignore it for a few days until you feel able to take a peek. You'll get back to it, you always do, you're bloody brilliant Bug and put most of the rest of us to shame with the sheer volume of work and the quality of work you do, so you're allowed a minor tantrum now and then ;-)

As you say, your sup is fantastic, absolutely amazing, and she's just trying to help. But when you've done what you consider the best you can do, have so much work on it'd be enough to make Superman crack, and then you get that back its hardly surprising you have a flip out. Just get back to it when you can and ignore it for now - its Sunday, have an afternoon off for once, chill out, put your feet up, and relax then you'll feel far more able to deal with it constructively than you do right now :-)

Hi Stresshead,

Ok, this is normal - some go into this with all guns blazing and so excited, some suddenly go whoa!!!!! lol - I was the latter too! I loved my UG, loved my masters, was raring to go with the PhD and then suddenly had cold feet - it is different, very different - but its good and its great to be challenged. Ok, so how you view it is what is going to make the difference here.

Firstly - self confidence - lol, sorry, shouldn't laugh but I sooooo hear you. If you could speak to my supervisor he would tell you that he could quite happily batter me around the head with a heavy book half the time ;-) Self confidence is my biggest biggest failing - heck, he even wrote it in the report on my MA dissertation. He had, for a long while, signed off all mails to me with 'don't panic *******' (my real name) lol - he's always on and on at me to have confidence, to believe I can do this, to accept that I'm 'worthy' of this, etc etc etc and will I listen?? Will I heck! The amount of times I sit in his office saying varying degrees of arggghhhhhh ;-) Its ok, its quite normal, but you do have to try and believe in yourself. I'm mega critical, ridiculously so, but gradually gradually I'm coming to understand that maybe I'm not an imposter, and maybe they won't find out that I'm actually as thick as the proverbial swine droppings, and yes, I've earned my place, and no, maybe a first class degree and a masters with distinction don't class as flukes ;-) You have been accepted, you've been offered this chance THEY see the potential in YOU, even if you can't see it yourself :-)

Secondly - the what ifs - lol, I think many of us have that :-) I listen to masters students discussing their proposals and think ooohhhh, and look at other PhDs and wonder why the heck I didn't do that - but I'M the expert in my thing, they are the expert in theirs' (my supervisor speaking again ;-) ) and its ok. For now, for these 3 or 4 years, this is my thing, my project, my work, and although the grass inevitably looks greener and far more inviting, it isn't.

'What have I let myself in for?' Ooooh yes! of course, its natural - how else would you think? I could quite easily have dropped out numerous times so far lol - its a BIG thing - BUT you have to decide how you're gonna view this. Is this going to be a labour of love or a job? There are times in my experience when it has to be both - sometimes I'm so fired up that I love it and can't think of doing anything else - other times I feel that I really couldn't care less about my topic anymore and if I see another example of my primary source I'm gong to burn it! BUT at times like that I just have to view it as a job, its gotta be done or I've wasted an awful lot of time and emotional mayhem - and it WILL be worth it. Reading posts like Lara's where you can see the sheer elation at having got to the other end keep you going and especially when you've been here a bit and seen these people who have made it going through hell! To see the end result makes it so worthwhile.

So you may never be a researcher (although you may be - things change) but IF you decide to stick it out, even give it a good go so you can say with certainty that you've given it your best and it wasn't for you as some do, then you'll have learnt so much - both in your subject area and in general organisation/work planning/writing technique/etc etc etc etc, developed so much as a person, and you have something that nobody can ever take from you.

What you're describing is completely normal - the masters is the hardest of all to do, so intense and such hard work, and i clearly remember wondering whether I could possibly do it. Like you I had a first and was worried that I'd completely mess up the masters - it was only after I got back my first piece of assessed coursework and it was a distinction that I relaxed a little, but even then I wasn't sure lol! I certainly didn't see how I could do a PhD although I wanted to - my supervisor knew that that was my plan and encouraged me all they way.

Don't be worried about approaching a potential supervisor with vague ideas, they are there to help and will assist you in developing your ideas into something concrete so if you feel able then speak to them - I'm pretty sure that most students go through this so please don't worry.

======= Date Modified 30 Sep 2009 10:12:57 =======
I so feel your pain - the touchpad is the bain of my life - I can turn it off, but my desk is such a damned mess that I keep losing my mouse which is wireless lol - I have to turn the lights off and look for the flashing red light - but yes, to be able to turn off the horrid thing is a definate bonus!

Good luck!!! Lol, the million dollar question - if you get answers I'd be interested to know - I'm a year in now, still dont have a fixed title, the main focus changed about 4 months in, my research questions are being reformulated (AGAIN) atm, so I wouldn't worry too much ;-) As you get going you find that it takes on a life of its own - of course you must control it - but the research I'm doing now bears little resemblance to what I had planned a year ago ;-) Different geographical areas, different angle, different results so far, different everything apart from the main underlying sources and the overall question. I'm sure I should be more organised but as I started to read and started to work new themes came to light, it grew and became (I hope) much much better and more interesting

With my work although I am a historian I have to do a lot of data analysis and a lot of statistics, they don't like that, that is more ESRC but I'm too qualitative for ESRC - I'm stuck in the middle lol. AHRC are very much what they say on the tin, arts and humanities, they like qualitative research.

I did have a lot of assistance with creating my proposal - I wrote it, but as my supervisor was also my supervisor at BA and MA I had several years of working with him, creating the successive proposals through discussion and we were also given a lot of training at MA in writing a proposal and how to write a good funding application. Basically we would discuss where there were gaps in current knowledge within my field, where there are questions to be asked, how we might approach those questions and the result was the proposal - but it took an awful lot of work - lots of reading so that I knew the subject matter well and the gaps in current knowledge, a lot of discussion over the course of months, lots of rewrites etc. My experience is going to be different though as this has been a progression and a deepening of a topic that started in the second year of the BA! My PhD is different from my MA which was different to my BA but there is a common underlying main source. What I couldn't do of course was to basically tell lies in my proposal, I had to be honest and I knew as I was writing it that although I do a lot of social and cultural work which they like, there is this quantitative element that basically causes problems for the AHRC.

You need to think about what YOU want to do, what really fires you up, what you cannot imagine living without having researched - does the thought of not getting to research it cause you sleepless nights lol - it did me, seriously - the thought of never getting to do this was devastating! (I must get a life ;-) )

Remember also that the AHRC is not the beginning and the end - I don't have it (I did for MA) but I do have a scholarship that pays my fees and pays me a maintenance allowance - less than a third of what the AHRC would pay me, but it helps. I also got work within the dept as an RA which tops things up a bit, and will work teaching next year - again, it all helps so there are ways around things.

Hi, yes I knew that there was a good chance I wouldn't get the funding but it's a topic that I'm passionate about so i wasn't prepared to do a PhD which is 3 long and grueling years of your life in something that I hadn't chosen to do myself. I'm a second year so also a year in but AHRC would have been nice, just not to be, and although my supervisor was on the board he too could see that the AHRC would not be as happy with my proposal as the one that is far more their thing. Our uni is very big on arts and humanities pro rata, but we didn't get a large grant this year as we aren't a big uni.

For me it was more about the PhD having to be something that I wanted to do rather than being given a topic if that makes sense. It follows on from my MA and BA and is in a subject area that I'm pretty OCD about ;-) Having said that, if I wasn't doing this I wouldn't be getting the RA experience that I am so its kind of swings and roundabouts. Studentships worry me slightly in A&H as the PhD is so full on, so hard, so draining that if you are doing something that you haven't had come from inside you and your passions for a topic then I'm not sure how you could keep going. Its different in that respect to the sciences but even then you have to want to do that topic more than anything you can imagine. I was told it was not so much how much do you want to do this, but more can you imagine living without having researched this - does that make sense?

I'm not 100% certain on this, but from what I understand a uni is given a block grant for 'x' number of PhDs and 'x' number of MAs. What happened with us what that they did the initial selection through the proposals, then there was a big meeting where the funded proposals were chosen - there was only 1 PhD for all of the arts and humanities so they chose the proposal that was the 'best' fit for AHRC out of all those shortlisted. So... the uni decides, but in our uni it isn't a case of a studentship that is advertised, but whether your proposal is the best for what they want to put forward for funding out of all the proposals in your area. I heard that mine was in the last two but was slightly too quantitative in research methods and so the grant was given to the other student - life sucks sometimes ;-)

i hope that helps, not much help I know, but that is how they do it in my institution

I love my HP laptop - there are some great deals online atm and this one easily runs anything I need it to - I would have a desktop if I was working in one place - but I tend to have to shift around a lot so I need portability - if this isn't the case for you then Sneaks suggestion is very good.

I also agree, it looks as though your user name may be your real name? Change it hon... not to cover anything up but this place is great for anonymity so you can rant, rage throw all your toys out of your pram and you cannot be linked to your hissy fit ;-) Its also quite refreshing to be able to voice any concerns knowing that its difficult for anyone who may be here from your institution or your supervisor to know that its you - sounds maybe a little deceitful in some respects but seriously consider it :-) Anonimity on the main forum is freedom to say what you feel rather than what you should say in this very political world :-)

======= Date Modified 29 Sep 2009 15:02:11 =======
Massive massive congratulations!!!! I'm so so pleased for you Dr Lara! You are a real inspiration to those of us still on the journey, you pushed through, worked so very very hard and now you've done it!!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 8-)

edited to say, I've just read through all of your posts - thankyou sooooo much - your last one nearly had me in tears - your happiness is so infectious - its making me want to kick off the 2nd year blues and get on without procrastinating so I too can one day have my own happy viva thread! Thanks Dr L ;-)

I use all of them in most circumstances... I'm not sure I'd say 'hi' or 'hiya' in a formal setting, that would be more 'hello' or 'good morning/afternoon' but certainly all friends/family/dept/collegues I'll say 'hi' or 'hiya' - and I'm not scouse lol, just always used 'hiya' which annoys me lol cos I hear myself say it in a really sing song kind of way and cringe lmao! I do think these days greetings are far more informal than they used to be - it used to be verging on a capital offence (slight exaggeration) to use the wrong greeting for the wrong person!

And Bug - EAT WOMAN! lol

======= Date Modified 28 Sep 2009 14:48:35 =======
I too have RA work in the dept - mine is on a 6 month contract with the probability of it being extended throughout the 3 year duration of the project - there is so much work there is no way that we will have come close to completing the work we're doing now by November! These things are normally advertised on the uni job site, but then again mine, being a short term contract was offered without needing to go through a selection procedure unlike the RO and the PM - its definately worth keeping your ears open for any news.

Incidentally, at my uni we are only allowed to work 10 hours a week if we are f/t PhD - i've been allowed to work a little overtime as the deadlines are so tight with the project, but that has to be offset so that I work an AVERAGE of 10 hours a week over the course of the month, any more and my fee waiver would be in jeopardy!

I certainly wouldn't quit your job yet Hannah - there are unlikely to be any conferences etc in the near future, and supervisory meetings are normally only an hour and being as you are pt at work I can't see why you couldn't work around them.

I have also found this whole thread quite stunning - its almost an education in itself in how to start a debate but have no idea who to participate in the debate and therefore look rather uneducated.

And yes, I would feel that as you're Australian, that you can now claim imperialist pig-dog status - welcome to the club - and Bug, I know that you aren't British, but you obviously value our system, contribute massively through your study and also here with your input and support, would you like to be one too ;-) honourary!

Hello everyone :-) I'm not a newbie, just starting my second year, but wanted to say hello to you all and wish you a happy studying experience :-) This forum is great, its been my lifeline - the PhD isn't easy but with so many people to chat to and vent at and posts to read from people ahead of you you can learn so much and reassure yourself that you aren't actually going completely nuts ;-)

Have fun and keep posting, it's great to meet new people :-)