pmsl oh I love it! I feel your pain! (and cruelly its very amusing to read ;-) )

Yep, I was told smart/casual with the emphasis on smart - nice skirt and top will do with some nice shoes or boots :-)

If its any consolation - where I am its now turned to drizzly sleet and its forecast to rain tonight - depending on where you come from you might be ok - no more snow that I'm aware of near London til poss fri - but then when did the weather men ever get it right?

We've got snow here too - all the schools are closed and we're forecast heavy snow later- should be fun :-( I wouldn't worry bug, I think London is pretty much shut lol. They'll understand - when London cancels buses and trains they can't expect you to get in. It sounds as though you need to tuck yourself up in the warm and get yourself better xxx

Hello Falling, lovely to meet you :-)

What you describe seems to be, from what I've seen on here, so so common! You certainly aren't in any way alone in feeling this way and I know that some of the others who have been going for some time will be along later. It really does seem to be the curse of phd students - how to summon up that last bit of energy and get your motivation and self confidence back. I think that there are times when all that you can do is grit your teeth, put your head down and write, something, anything, and keep your eyes on the end prize - its not long now. You've done one heck of a lot of work, just do that last bit and you're there.
As for feeling useless, dumb and embarrassed - again, you tick the majority if phd blues boxes there. But what has been said to me, and what will be said to you is to be objective about this (easier said than done). You are none of these things. If you were you would not still be on your course would you - they would have politely asked you to leave. You are intelligent, thoughtful, your level of self-criticism shows this. The blues are so so hard to cope with - I had the first year version a couple of weeks back and I've seen people on the point of submission struck down with it, and every stage in between.
Hold on, do your thing and try to just do a bit each day.
There is a book - I can't remember the details, it will be on the forum here somewhere - about how to write your Phd in 15 mins a day - it seems, from what I've seen of the others at the end, a huge help.

pmsl - it never occured to me that my markers might have been a little inebriated when marking my exams lol - now some of the marks make so much more sense :p Good luck, not something I look forward to particularly (hopefully next year), but it must be amusing in some ways - a friend of mine who is a tutor now said how one of her students felt that Edward I was king of russia (notice king - not tsar) during the interrogation.... (whatever that is...) interesting... makes you wonder if they took some dutch courage before heading into the examination hall.

Thankyou everyone :-) You've made me feel a lot better, I'm just so cross with myself for certainly appearing to blow it! I am so frustrated! But yes, I have to keep in my mind that I can do what I do, and that its not the end of the world and they may shock me (it wouldn't be the first time) but I guess my interviewing technique is a bit rusty (to say the least)

As far as the stats go - lol - my sup knows all too well, he takes the course!!!! Because a lot of my Phd analysis will be number crunching by nature he felt that although I can easily press buttons on excel (did that quite successfully for the BA and MA dissertations) its important to understand exactly what is going on and he wanted me to take this MA course this year. I just find it all sooooo hard - I have a form of number dyslexia - like the normal type, but it happens with me with numbers, I have 'issues' lol. He is being very good with me, but he is as aware as I am that he's banging his head on a brick wall with this (and the desk last wednesday) lol. Fortunately its a small class with just 3 of us, one is very good at it and me and the other guy sit there looking bemused for the 2 hours. Its when it comes to equations that I just cannot 'get it'. Never could - although I have maths and physics O levels I never really got it then - I've never understood it at all - it just confuses me - I'm far happier writing and analysing data and excel is my friend!

Oh well, I'll have to wait and see, I was just quite shocked quite how tough it was - I expected it to be, its not like going for a job at the local corner shop (and they can be tough enough), but it was the biggest panel I've faced and because I think I was nervous they'd ask 'thinking about this, tell us about this, and this and how you'd approach that if you came across this and this and the problems you could forsee with that and that' - by the time I started with my mind blank I'd forgotten everything else that they'd asked!!!

There was also the issue with the Phd - the project director is concerned that working ft and doing the pt phd would be too much for me....

Hello,

I'm sorry, this may be a bit OT, but I think it does kind of directly relate to the Phd. A couple of weeks ago my supervisor advised me to go for a job in the dept as a research officer - great job, perfect for me (or so it seemed), ft which would be a bit of a problem and need some juggling, but generally my kind of dream job.

Well, I got through to the final 5 and had the interview yesterday - omg it was the most awful experience! I've been through a lot of interviews in my time, and some really rough ones, but NOTHING compared to this - it was like being thrown to the lions after having a forced lobotomy whilst being overshadowed by the spirit of the blonde bimbo chav - argghhhhhhhhh. There were so many points at which I just wanted to get up, say this is a bad idea and walk out - but with my sup as one of the interviewers, the grad director who arranges my funding as another it just wasn't possible. I felt so thick, so out of my depth, they were just throwing stuff at me that I had no idea how to answer - v depressing.

Its freaked me out to be honest - are all academic interviews like this? Are they so much more brutal than 'normal' business ones? I feel like any confidence I had has been sucked out of me and spat out, and that I made such an idiot of myself infront of my supervisor that he'll be v disappointed in me :-( The expression on his face at times was a picture - it was like my brain just went off on holiday without warning - and then the classic - you get out, your brain comes back, and everything you 'should' have said comes back and you want to run back in and tell them lol

Has anyone else experienced this type of thing - and how did you cope with the fallout? I've got to meet with my supervisor again on Wed for a class (that I can't do - stats - I don't understand it - blonde bimbo strikes again) and then my sup board on Thurs for another mauling and I'm just worried that as I'll have heard by then that I haven't got the job he'll be v disappointed with me :-(

Thanks xxx

Don't talk to me about grey hairs - have them, hate them, dye them!!! They make me feel soooooo old (I'm 39) and when they are covered up I feel more human.
Hey, I actually put on some 'proper' clothes yesterday - will post about that separately as I'm a bit upset and freaked out - but my supervisor did a double take - I don't think he recognised me at first - smart skirt, blouse, smart coat and polished - yes polished - boots lol lol - AND makeup, AND hair blow dried.

Today I have reverted to slobbing, old jeans and old jumper - well, a student can only take so much dressing up and although it felt good it also felt a bit strange and tights are so uncomfortable when you're used to fluffy socks and jogging bottoms!

Congratulations Sarah - I'm so pleased for you, what brilliant news :-D I do love hearing about people who've come out the other end and still seem as though they haven't been committed to a secure institution lol - it gives me hope that there is a light at the end of this ;-)

I have much the same problem - my supervisor ticks me off for beating about the bush and not being 'critical' enough and to really 'go for them' lol - trouble is, I think that I tend to under-value my own opinion and to still be in U/G mindset that these are 'professionals' and know a lot better than I do. I must confess though (with evidence to hand lol) I rather enjoyed the last piece I wrote for the board and gave a couple of academics a really good mauling (politely) - well, they write rubbish and make wild generalisations they should expect it ;-)

My dept is quite informal in this respect - although I always go by how they sign themselves to me - I always use Dr/Professor XXXXXX the first few times I mail, but if they reply signing with their first name then I use that instead. Having said that, we know most of them by their first names - I've always referred to my sup by his (and a shortened form at that) - I think he'd feel v uncomfortable if I called him by his title. It is difficult first time off - but as far as I understand it, when you move out of the 'student' mode and into research as you are in a Phd then the boundaries come down to a certain extent - even though I've been in my uni for 4 years now through BA and MA I've noticed the whole tone with which I'm spoken to has changed completely - far more chatty and informal even with the few members of staff who are very formal normally. I still treat them with the utmost respect - genuinely, not out of some deference thing, I do respect them and I hope that comes across (apart from my sup who although I respect him 100% I've always been very informal and friendly with - but that's how he is).

Good luck in your Phd - I'm a few months ahead of you - started in Sept - its a hard road and these first few months are v strange, but its good :-)

I agree that they are the most horrible things to write - I've just had to write similar and found it harder than writing a 10K lit review! I hate blowing my own trumpet and still suffer from a serious case of imposter syndrome as it is ;-)

Tell the truth, as has been suggested back up with examples, don't say anything you can't back up but go out there and tell them how generally wonderful you are. I kind of wrote as if I was someone writing about me, rather than me writing about me - but obviously didn't put it in the third person lol - but it made it slightly less cringeworthy and excrutiating to imagine how somebody else might view what I've done to date.

I'm also a first year and I would say that on a good day I average 6 hours too - sometimes a lot less (I've had a stinking cold for the last month and am particularly non-productive right now) but I agree that simply reading for hour up hour is just not do-able - I can't. I also work more when I'm writing - Ive been known on many an occasion to start at about 9am and not stop apart from to eat (often at my computer), til gone 1am - day after day after day - 18 hour days are the norm for me close to deadlines so I do think that it all evens out. I just can't do 9-5 - if I'm not in the right frame of mind I can't concentrate enough, and if I'm on a roll the idea of stopping at a certain time just doesn't figure.
I also agree that what can you call 'working'? I was reading a book on authoring a Phd in bed last night and pondering my thesis and my ideas - is that working? I'd imagine so - so although I was only at the computer about 2 hours yesterday I was 'working' a lot more than that. Similarly I woke up and the first thoughts through my head were a wording for the intro for my lit review - that is surely 'working' too? I'll ponder it while I'm shopping, or hoovering, or cooking or whatever I'm doing - I'll talk about it with people - so although I'm not sat at the desk, book in hand or fingers on the keys it is still actual time spent considering issues and I'm sure that you do the same :-)
My thought now (and don't quote me on this later down the line when panic really sets in lol) is that this is a journey - hare and tortoise type thing - we all work differently, we all approach things in different ways - all that really matters is that in 4 years time we have a submitted thesis, have passed the viva and have our doctorate. Its just a step on the journey and how we take that journey doesn't really matter so long as we make deadlines for papers and chapters, read what we need to read, research what we need to research, do our analysis and get to the end without too many incidences of being committed to the local secure unit ;-)

We are also in a difficult situation financially - I think it comes with the territory sadly - the last 4 years have been murder - the next 4 will be equally so I'd imagine and I sometimes wonder if we can keep going and feel so guilty that the children have to go without so much so that I can study. They are so good though - they understand that if I do this and go all the way then (fingers crossed) I'll be in a position to provide a much better life for them than I could ever have done without all of this. I had AHRC funding for the MA, and a scholarship for the Phd (about 6K + fees) - money is so so tight and my hubby works extra shifts to try and make ends meet.
My current plan is to try and get some GTA work for next year - they won't allow us to do any in our first year as they feel we need the time to get into the swing of things - I'm not sure how much it pays, but ANYTHING is better than nothing, and to be honest, just speaking personally for myself here, even if it does work out at only the minimum wage then it will be worth it - a) for the extra cash - every single penny counts, and b) for the experience and the cv. Academia is so competitive and so much who you know as much as what you know that it would be invaluable and I've seen plenty of research students in the dept going on to run courses by the end and a teaching fellowship prior to being promoted to junior lecturer so its the only way up the ladder as far as I can see.
The other alternative is to go p/t with the Phd and get some work - tricky though - I worry whether I'd cope with it.
Que sera sera and all that :-)