Thanks so much. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or depressed though that I'll most likely feel this way for the next 3-4 years! I guess as you have all managed it I'll get through it, I'm just on such a downer atm, not sure why, I'm just feeling totally out of my depth and scared - again, not sure why - I'm just finding it hard to keep up and feel like its beyond me. Plus I had a major one of those 'wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat' moments the other night thinking why the heck am I doing this? What possible good is it going to do, what's the point, its not like I'm finding a cure for cancer or anything :-( I know that that isn't the point but it kind of threw me - I guess I'm just getting sick of people looking at me like I'm some of kind of geek/loser when i say what my major is and one 'friend' uttered the immortal - what's the point of that then, you should get a job - totally gutting. I'm also, as I'm sure I'm not alone, getting a bit fed up with people saying 'oh but you won't be a "real" doctor though' - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... I half look forward to being on a plane in a few years and answering the 'is there a doctor on board' with a resounding YES and then soothing the unfortunate passenger with a review of the recent literature in my subject lol.(up)

I'll push on and try and get this all sorted, its just you know how to do an essay, I'm not sure I know how to do all this - sigh

I had to do that embarrassing snort laugh reading this - ohhhhhh I feel your pain - currently I am modelling a uni hoodie, a pair of old scruffy jeans that don't even fit me, some particularly flattering pink fluffy socks and makeup??? ermmmm yes, better go put some on - at least some eyeliner - before going on the school run incase I traumatise people - hair - sigh - I remember when my hair was perfectly highlighted and styled more than once a year - however - drum roll.................... I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow - the road kill/yeti look is getting to me slightly now as it hasn't been touched since July (and I have some grey - damned uni) and I may look partially respectable for a few weeks. I have to as I have to go to a conference thingy next Mon in London and am not sure that the 'phd student' look will cut it - no idea what to wear though, heck I've been at uni for 4+ years now where the dressed up look tends to stand out lol and I have NO poshish type clothes that fit me as we're so skint that buying clothes I might wear once a year or so seemed a waste - better the £4 jeans from tesco that I can wear til they fall apart - ahhhhh to be smart again...........

Thankyou so much, its really reassuring and thanks bug for your lovely words xx

Hi everyone

I'm just here for a bit of support really and reassurance that I'm not going mad! I'm into the second term of the Phd and have a board soon and a paper to submit and I'm feeling totally out of my depth and that I just can't do this! Its stupid really, I can, I have the first class BA, the distinction at MA I should have confidence in myself but I'm feeling thick, I feel like I'm not doing enough, that I'm going to flunk this big time and that I'll let down my dept, my family and myself. Everyone else sounds so much more 'academic' and knowledgeable.

Is it normal to feel like this at this stage? The thought of the board and writing a lit review is terrifying me - that I'll miss out some key texts and they'll think I'm an idiot and they're wasting their funding. I just don't know how to approach it really and its so so hard to keep going - this phd business is so lonely. I miss the camaraderie (?sp) of the BA and the MA - there isn't anyone else in the dept at my level or doing anything like me to sound off of, its just all a bit much right now.

Sorry to moan, I just genuinely don't seem to have anywhere else to turn where people might understand

Thanks x

Lol bug, don't delete ;-) Seriously though, that is some going - mine was out of necessity - my supervisor announced the beginning of Aug that he was going on holiday mid aug and so wouldn't be back til 2 weeks before submission - hence frantic writing! I've never been so exhausted lol and it makes me worry for the write-up of the Phd at the end - not sure I could repeat that feat!

Pamplemousse - (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) that's awful you poor thing, nothing worse than being really ill at Christmas especially with a sick hubby too - nightmare! Hope you're all better now xx

Hi, relax!!!! They seriously suggest you should be starting to write your diss this week? I didn't start mine until after the final essay submission (around Easter) I submitted on time and got a distinction, so please don't try to worry too much, it sounds as though you're doing just fine. The argument is a good thing to do just to think things through, but remember that your diss can change direction radically once you get going with it - mine went in completely the opposite direction to that expected once I did the first analysis of my data and my oh so carefully thought out proposal had to change to be an argument against, rather than an argument for the thesis with all of the explanations and reasons needing sorting out - dissertations take on a life of their own!
At your stage I was focussing on the essays because they needed to be good, giving a bit of thought, but not much to the dissertation with the plan to go for it through the summer and i did - I had the complete 20K word first draft through by mid August and had a month then to revise it all and do all the extra stuff for submission
Also, don't compare yourself or your working speed to others, some write fast, some work fast, some don't - so long as at the end of the day you come out of this with an MA and get to wear the gown and mortar and do the walk that is ALL that matters. It won't matter whether you went like a train and got done fast or whether you took your time - its the destination as much as the journey and enjoy the journey - its intense, very intense, made the Phd look like a walk in the park in comparison (in some ways lol) but its enjoyable and you'll get to spend the summer researching and giving your full attention to something that fascinates you - we are actually very lucky - enjoy it, chill out, work hard and get submitted on time, but don't stress or your productivity will drop and your quality deteriorate too :-)
Here endeth the lesson lol

I don't think that I read particularly fast, although I do somehow manage to read my novels and pleasure (bath and bed) books far faster than the oh so enjoyable stuff I sometimes 'have' to read lol. I too have never read a whole book for academic purposes. We were taught first year U/G to do as Pam suggests and read about what's in the book and then see where you would HAVE to read - I think my sup would batter me with a blunt object if he found I was reading whole books if I didn't have to. I have big piles of them here with various sections marked out with post-its to look at and I tend to go through the index and just pull the pages that are directly related to my topic. Obviously then I'll end up getting caught up and reading more than strictly necessary if a subject interests me which is good i think and broadens your reading, but you just don't really have time to read whole books considering our bibliographies may we run to hundreds of them. If you look at the bibliography for an academic tome there will be hundreds and I'm pretty certain the writer hasn't read cover to cover of all of them!
I do the same with articles although not so much as they are, by definition, not indexed and you have to search harder, but if a section is obviously on a different tangent and I'm in a hurry I'll just search for the bit I want.
I'd guess an article of maybe 30 pages takes me around an hour or so to read, it does depend though how thoroughly I check the references out and read footnotes and what notes I make on it.

Bug, I feel exhausted and like poop just reading your post!!!!!!!!!!!! You wrote 8000 words, read 125 articles (wtf????) and wrote another 4000 words for publication and you feel its wasted time? (let alone the applications) flipping heck - I dread to think what you'd reckon to my productivity - errr zero! Welll, that's not exactly true, I did do a bit of work but nothing to mention and I've got to submit a paper for my board in 2 weeks - how in the name of all things holy did you write all that AND have Christmas and New Year and not be suffering from repetitive strain injury? Ok, lol, I did 20K for my MA diss in about 2 weeks, but there were no other distractions and they were just drafts that needed reworking, but honestly, you've raised my stress levels and made me extremely impressed!
Sigh, I must get on, I'm procrastinating, partly because I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be doing - may well make a post on that - what the heck is in a lit review - and also because I can't stand the lit review/methodology/sources section of an essay and this is one big one with no exciting bit to look forward to writing lol lol lol - sigh.

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That's good to hear :-) Yes you are lucky getting funding, and yes, it is far better than being unemployed!

Wow, you're brave! I'm not sure I could commit to 3+ years of stress and crushingly hard work researching something that I wasn't passionate about. I guess so much of it does depend on your area and what type of research you are involved in as to how easy it will be to diversify.

I'm with WJGibson on that P'bughead :p As I said, I've no issue at all with non-national lecturers/researchers anyway, but what I hate is when people who can't do the job, or aren't as well qualified for it are given the positions over someone who is a national, or like yourself has trained here and put a lot of work into the system. We have a lot of foreign students, its something that the uni prides itself on, and they also end up with nowhere to go and no jobs when someone comes in. I do think some areas are more problematic than others - politics obviously, I'm actually quite interested to see what my own field is like in this.

This all makes very interesting (and quite frankly worrying) reading. At my university, certainly in my dept the majority of the staff are British with a few lecturers who are not nationals, but they tend to lecture in the fields relating to their own country and there are at least 2 members of staff who have done their BA, MA and Phd at the university which gives me some hope. Having said that, in other depts if you see two Brits you shout snap! Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING against foreign lecturers, some are amazing and bring a lot to the education offered, but some are frankly ridiculous. I had a lecturer in my first year who quite simply could not speak English. He had a basic grasp but his accent made it impossible to understand him, but as soon as you went into technical language (social science) he would ask us for translations and for an explanation of what terms meant - and no, it wasn't a clever means of getting us to dig deep, he had a notebook which he wrote the answers in asking us to repeat it in basic english so he could understand. If we asked questions in class he would often have to 'get back to us' as he didn't know the answer - and I'm talking first year core course. There were several like that, and whilst there is no suggestion that as an academic they weren't brilliant and leaders in their field, as lecturers they were, quite frankly, rubbish.
Within my main field the foreign lecturers bring something that cannot be gained within the English system, namely an indepth and detailed knowledge of their field and a 'feel' for it - for example there is a Russian who teaches Russian history - she has something about her and about her knowledge and her means of teaching it as more than set of facts that makes her courses amazing and I'd happily argue that it would be difficult to find someone better suited to that position. I do feel quite strongly though that something has to be done for homegrown students or an entire generation of people who would make amazing teachers and researchers will be lost. I do wonder, having read the comments here, whether it is not simply a case of the best person for the job and that is awful.

It does sound rather a tricky situation, I have to agree though that bringing it up might make a situation even more awkward and you have to work with this woman for the next few years. I don't really understand why people respond this way to those who are gay, almost as if the fact that they are gay means that they will fancy you by default, its all really daft isn't it - if we responded in that manner to other heterosexuals we'd spend our whole lives in a state of constant paranoia! I have a few friends who are gay, both male and female, and they have expressed these problems before. Maybe there is a way that you can slip in mention of a girlfriend, or just be the bigger person and totally ignore it. She can't think you fancy her forever! I really don't see that you can bring the subject up though without really making things tricky - it would be like me approaching my supervisor and explaining that I don't fancy him lol.
I do think that this is her problem and she needs, if this is the problem and not just that she is trying to be 'professional' in an odd manner, to get a grip and work out that she's not all that and really not your type at all ;-)

Oh ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huge hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to Olivia and P'Bug - how awful for you both - I think unless you have family members of the 4 legged variety its difficult to understand how devastating it is when they leave us :-( P'Bug, I really hope that they find out what is wrong with your dogs xxxxxxxxx (oh, and its fine to use my real name - there are thousands I'm sure who have the same name so no probs with anonimity ;-) We have lots of animals too - so far this year we've done ok with them - the year before last my favourite parrot who was like a baby to me and spent his whole life sat on my shoulder while I was working dropped dead on Christmas Eve - I found him dead in his cage and had a really hard job with whether to tell the children or not, then last year my ex's mum died on Christmas morning - that was awful! We were waiting for her to go and praying she wouldn't go on that day - telling the kids that their grandma had died was so hard. So I was really pleased to at least make it through Christmas day without any bereavements. I'm much the same in that its always a relief to get to New Year - but I hate that too! Bah Humbug lol.

Wow, I am seriously impressed!!!! I have done sweet FA and am unlikely to do anything astounding until after the weekend, although now I feel guilty and that I should be reading. My problem is that my motivation has just gone completely for some reason and I must try and psyche myself up to work again!