Hey Ev,
I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better :-) and that you found a nice colleague to chat to. Hope you're able to keep that perspective and not stress yourself out too much. Did you get anywhere with the draft?

Today has not been a waste because....

I did at least open the thesis and write some words.
I set up a useful collaboration for my supervisor.
I identified final presents for dad's birthday (now just have to get 'em).

Erm, drat that's it so far, back to work!

Hi Jojo

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, I lost a good one in my first year and it really is devastating. Hope you're ok.

My thesis is already overdue so I'm generally ona tight (if poorly planned) schedule, here's to us cracking on and slaying the beast!

You're sending yourself on a downward spiral here Ev (speaking as one who is finally coming out of her own), you need to break through all this guilt and anxiety before it drags you further. My suggestions - feel free to ignore them - are as follows:

I agree with the others, speak to your GP/a counsellor, get some support from them. Also, email your supervisor. I know this sounds scary, but the only way to get a break from your fear is to pre-empt it. Send a brief email and just say something like "I've not been that well so am behind schedule, am seeing the Doc and hope to be back on track soon. I just wanted to keep you informed and will let you know if I need assistance on anything." I did this after months of severe procrastination/failure/terror, and it was immediately a big weight off my mind as I was no longer trying to hide or run from anything. Plus, my supervisors were actually very supportive.

Next, take a few days off. I know this is the last thing you think you need after being unproductive, but you haven't been having a break, you've been more stressed than someone working a 90-hour week. So give yourself at least few "official" days to feel better, don't think about work, don't check email, don't criticise or worry, be nice to yourself. Then, when you come back, have a think about what's standing in your way, what you might be able to get help with, what you might need to drop. If possible do this with a supportive friend/colleague who can give you a reality check on your fears and keep you focused on the task rather than the panic it provokes.

If you can look into calming practices such as yoga or meditation, I would. I've found them a great help. Most of all, please please try to stop blaming and berating yourself Ev, this is such a huge part of what's causing your problem! I know it's scary and that you'll instinctively give yourself a hard time, trying to harass yourself into work. But you're not working because you're overwhelmed and scared, piling more stress on top of that is never going to help you. Ironically, at times like this the sooner we cut ourselves some slack, the sooner we can recover and move forward.

Oh Jepson, I'm so sorry :( that really does suck!

I know it's of little comfort but there'll be some kind of banal reason (half the world applying in desperation due to the job market, internal candidate, etc etc) and it really doesn't dimish you in any way. It feels crap though I know and especially annoying if you feel you've been led a merry dance by those in charge.

Hug your lovely kids and just be good to yourself as stuff like this really does knock you. Then we'll all hope the candidate they did pick turns out to be a screwball and make their lives hell :p - they shall rue they day they passed over PGF's legendary Jepsonclough!

Good going everyone! And Emmaki - 2000 words is awesome (I dream of such daily word counts!).

To follow my own advice.... today I have:

* Ordered presents for two family birthdays
* Finished and analysed the additional work my supervisor sprang on me
* Erm.... ok that's about it but hey, short and sweet ;)

Hi KB

I'm sorry you're having to fight through this again, if anyone deserves a break from it, you do. It will pass (as hard as that is to believe when your in the midst of it) and it will pass quickest if you step back and don't try to force things. You've clearly learned to spot these patches early and are able to be honest in dealing with them, and I think that's what keeps you well in the long run.

Take good care of yourself, ignore the pc/email/etc, you've taken the week off so make it an effective break, otherwise it won't be worth taking. Be gentle with yourself, and if in a week you still feel fragile - take another off. You've worked so hard that you really don't need to worry about taking time off just now, and you're right - the more you do the more people will expect, so set your own standards and make them reasonable. All the corrections, articles, and so on will still be there when you get back, but you can't do any of them if you don't have your health.

You've been such a support to me and to many on this forum, please use this time to really care for yourself. *hugs*

No no Slizor, I'm aiming even lower than that :p And I think a 3 mile walk to uni should be celebrated! Sadly I live considerably further from my uni, and while it is cycleable (on 13 miles of slightly hairy roads) the weather in this part of the country usually causes me to wimp out.

Sneaks - it took me a good while to "get" the meditation thing, and having just got back from a weeks buddhist retreat has no doubt helped a little! The most helpful thing I learned was that experiencing resistance (the fidgeting and distraction) was actually a part of the process, and the most effective meditation can be just to sit with that for a few minutes. *steps off soapbox and puts away robes*

Sim - that sounds like a masterful day, what a balance of phd and life :-) but you now have to spill about the girl.....

DoWhatNow, I think that's a comendable achievement for anyone. Workers of the world might raise an eyebrow, but only we know the steel it takes to show up when you're an unmonitored phd!

I often feel that I have so many goals, tasks and expectations for myself, that no matter what has occurred in the day, I feel a failure (inevitably, not everything goes to plan). I'm also still struggling to make progress on the dreaded thesis, so goals based on that, while extremely worthy, are not always confidence-inspiring. So I'm starting my own little success thread to boost my morale. If anyone wants to join, you can celebrate lifestyle, work, or just utterly random achievements from your day.

Ahem.

So far today I have *shoves out immediate negative thoughts of all the things she has NOT done*.....

*Got up at a reasonable time (you would not believe how much Ive slept recently)
*Meditated
*Eaten a healthy breakfast without guilt
*Researched something my hubbie asked me to
*Sorted and emailed my cv for next years placements

Hmm, it's not a thesis chapter, but put like that I don't feel quite so guilty.

Why don't you want to ask him Fiona? At best he'll be glad to see you showing intitiative, at worst he'll explain a better approach he has in mind for publication strategy! It's your data, show some enthusiasm :-)

Agreed :-)

Quite frankly, what a b***h! I know that doesn't help much but I think we need to remember that this sort of behavious is actually out of order, and that you in no way deserve it. Poor KB :-(

Would you consider sending her back an email, perhaps expressing your great (ham it up if you feel naughty) regret at having disturbed her time off, and agreeing how important such breaks are. As such you can tell her that you would be delighted to be kept informed of her movements so you don't make this terrible mistake again. Perhaps that will drw her attention to her own role in this and make her think twice in future. Alternatively, she could always set and out-of-office response (like normal people) and then you'd know not to expect a response til her return date.

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, the guy sounds a complete sociopath! Do you have any good friends or allies amongst the other students, or are they all sufficiently scared of him to want to keep on his side? He's a classic bully and deserves to lose his job promptly. Was he ever disciplined over his original outburst at you? In any other work setting that kind of behaviour would warrant an official warning which went on his file. Your supervisor has a clear responsiblity to deal with this and so protect you.

As for proving, it might sound extreme, but you could put a dictaphone in you pocket and tape his next "performance" then get a friendly french student to translate. I'm not sure that covert recording could be used in any official way (depends where you live), but it would certainly make his innapropriate beahviour very clear and allow senior staff to take action. Has your sister lodged any formal complaints regarding his behaviour with her own students? Even if he gets away with it with you, I'd have thought she'd be better supported.

If you've got emails between you and this other student (ideally one in which you've attached or at least made clear reference to sharing, your work) then you should be fine. We all want to think the best of one another, and my fellow phds and I have often shared chapters to get ideas for structure and so on, but we all work on different things so it's never been a risk to do so. I think Jepson is right that sometimes we need to be more cautious, but don't beat yourself up over this, it sounds like it will be fine :-)

Dear me it's been a while. I returned to the land of my laptop yesterday and did try setting a load of goals - God it's hard getting your head back into the thesis though! But today is a new day (albeit starting shockingly late) so here's thesis-related goal numero uno...

1) Write outline of ch4 and identify gaps that need filling.

c'est tout