I know how you feel Ev, if you're struggling to get in then being there for 4 hours is actually good going. Just be gentle with yourself, that way it's not too hard an experience and it'll be easier to go back the next time.

Hi everyone

I saw the psych doctor today. On the plus side he was ridiculously nice and friendly and seems to have more resources at his disposal than I've seen elsewhere. We agreed a medication to try and weekly contact until they have space for formal therapy and can dig up my extensive notes for a firmer diagnosis. The service was much more friendly and humane than i'd experienced before, gives you a bit more faith in society's treatment on mental illness :-)
He didn't really tell me anything new, just debated the various labels I'd already been aware of and pretty much let me decide the medication based on past events. But I trust him that he wants to get more information and move forwards rather than just tick a box and get me off his books. It's been a rocky day and I'm exhausted, but I did feel better just for honestly telling someone what was going on in my head.
Did have a very cringe-worthy moment though. During our session his phone rang, and it was one of those mobiles that says aloud the name of the caller as it rings. It only kept repeating the name of the psychiatrist I work with (who turns out to be this guy's boss) :$ I know I shouldn't care but I really hope he never discusses my case with him, it's just too close for comfort.

That aside, thanks to all of you for your kindness and support, I hope that all those who were also struggling are finding a way through.

Sneaks, I'm now utterly intrigued as to who "they" are! I know you can't say but it does make me curious.

I'm afraid I rather vented on garryck, he did deserve it though and it felt wonderfully cathartic :-)

What an accusation sascha! Imagine, us wasting time.....

Well we had garryck and his driving school politics, but he kept to his own thread so wasn't really much of a troll. He did insult people though. No one else has really annoyed me recently (well, not on here anyway, real life is another matter :-s )

My research is in mental health, so it absolutely has signficance for me. It makes me more responsible in my attitude, I want to make sure my work is honest and constructive, not simply publication-friendly. I know I've gotten a bit impassioned (or just known a wee bit too much about drugs, etc) in some meetings as a result, but I find it so much easier to work on something I believe in. Although that said, it also makes me feel a bit hopeless at times, my attempts seeming so small in the face of the overall problem.

I know how you feel about the alzheimer's though. My great aunt died last month and she was suffering from dementia for the last few years, very hard to watch. I also get scared when I see my elderly father becoming more frail and forgetful.

I think you need to consider your motivations Sarah. Why do you really want to do a phd? Will it give you something concrete? And is that something enough to put up with several years of hard work, low pay and all the baggage it entails? If you like your job now what are your reasons for leaving, are the prospects for progression not good? Do you need a phd for where you want to be long term? Or do you just want to be doing more detailed research for it's own sake?

The other question is why you don't want them to get your application. Is it just fear of the unknown or wondering whether you're capable? Or is this a warning bell that you really don't want this?

For me, I had that panic when I applied for a clinical science post a while back. The interview went well and I'd worked hard at it, but on the ride home I wanted to turn off my phone so that they couldn't offer me a job. When I imagined being offered a job in an alternative field, I felt completely different. I realised that I really didn't want to be a clinical scientist, I just felt I ought to go for it because it was a "good opportunity".

Don't do a phd because it's expected of you, because other people will be impressed, or simply because you feel you ought to be pushing yourself in some way. There are plenty of other ways to challenge yourself and you'll get more out of something your truly passionate about. But equally, if you decide you want to give this a shot, remember that few decisions are irreversible, you can always leave and go back to working if you discover it's not for you. I think few people are 100% sure about anything, trust your gut instincts.

As Algaequeen says, in the word of that nattily hatted comedian...

I'm a lady!

I understand that the beard can be a little confusing though ;-)

Did things come to a head in some way before this period of silence Lostinoz? Maybe I've missed something but it seems strange that he responded well to your sniping then suddenly went awol. You don't suppose there's something going on with your sup aside from his interaction with you?

Either way, don't beat yourself up over it, what's done is done and if your supervisor is not without fault himself. While you may have behaved wrongly he facilitated that and didn't address it, as your superior it's his job to tackle things, not bury his head in the sand and avoid you.

I'm sure you won't get kicked off your phd for this. Even in the big bad world of academia there are protocols to follow and problems have to be addressed in the proper manner. Ignoring you for a few days would not constitute a reasonable attempt to deal with the situation, and it would reflect badly on your sup if this fell apart. If he's inexperienced as you say, rather than angry it could be that the man has simply lost confidence and doesn't know how to handle matters with you.

Maybe send another email requesting an informal meeting, and if you don't hear back after a couple of days track him down. You don't need to perform a dying swan routine, just briefly explain that stress got the better of you and you want to apologise for the way you behaved towards him. If you voluntarily state that you've behaved badly and would like a fresh start, I can't imagine he'd say no. Don't torture yourself over this and don't drag it out, I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

Ok, I deleted my last comment because I didn't want to be unkind. But now you've really riled me!

So Garryck, your definition of open-minded is what? That people agree with you and tell you how terribly right you are?! Why yes, what a sound definition.

"Your university" - we're not "a" university, we represent a range of institutions worldwide. Know thine audience.

"no interest in a better world", no Garryck, most people on here are incredibly dedicated to the pursuit of a better world, hence slaving away at research every damn day for less than a minimum wage. We're not supporting your policies for the simple reason that we do not view them as any kind of realistic route to a better world, it's not apathy, it's a whole-hearted disagreement.

Please tout your theories elsewhere, you're not getting anything from this (except perhaps troll-esque debate) and you have no relevance to this forum in the first place.

ps - text speak is barely respected in a light-hearted post, in political argument it's downright embarrassing.

Oh Maria, it's so hard I know *hugs*. Don't feel bad about being a little obsessive, after years of building your life around someone it's pretty mind-blowing to suddenly have them gone. It will take time for you to really accept that it's over, but try not to make yourself worse. In time you'll see all sorts of benefits to moving on, but at first it's just confusing and sad. He's may be right about the no contact thing, I tried to stay close friends with a guy I'd lived with and it just made it impossible for him to move on, space can be a good thing. Would you consider deleting him online so you can't check up?

Try to be with other people where possible, see friends, family, spend time with people who make you feel good and distract you. Bend their ear for a while, rant, cry, get it out of your system, it'll help you process things. Eventually though, you'll want to focus elsewhere, one option for this is for friends to allow you five minutes talking about him, then ban the topic the rest of the outing/trip/etc. When you're ready, put all the extra time you have to good use, take up a new hobby or join a group, it can help re-establish your identity as an individual (something we often lose a bit in relationships). I actually went on a short holiday on my own the last time I went through this, it was great. Overall pull in all those people who care about you, find distractions and just be kind to yourself.

Redridinghood, I think the "keeping on" is a big part of it, as lame as it sounds I often just feel tired. I really struggle to accept this as a permanent part of myself, I think not getting treatment is perhaps my way of denying it all, not wanting to be "that" person anymore. After the last hospitalisation (7/8 months inpatient about 5 years ago) I thought I'd beaten this stuff. It overwhelms me when I imagine fighting the battle forever. I guess I have to find a way to come to terms with it and just be grateful for when it goes well.

Eska you're right, it seems like an epidemic sometimes. There's actually a book called The Curse of Adam and Eve, it's basic principle is that the massive evolution of our brains created great intellectual potential, but as a side effect it also created the potential for all kinds of mental illness and problems. An interesting theory though obviously, not without flaws. The irony is that my work is in an area of mental health, so we're all very positive about it in theory, but at the same time no one talks about it impacting on their own lives.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling as well Natassia, very glad that you're getting help though. I agree with you about modern society, have you read Alain de Botton's Status Anxiety? I think our unstable, highly mobile lifestyles don't help either (see academia!), the fact that we're all desperately recreating a sense on community online says a lot in my humble opinion. I accepted a while ago that a jetset lifestyle wouldn't bring me happiness, yet I still feel that sense of pressure to sign up to those ideals.

Keenbean I think you're right, easy access to counselling is not to be sniffed at, and I can always leave if he/she hasn't sufficient experience, I'll give them a call :-)

I think the idea that getting to 30 meant you had house, car, savings and career...... well, it certainly doesn't apply in academia. If it makes you feel any better, phds can easily take twice as long in the USA, so we're really not late bloomers for the field.

If I pass my phd I'll be just off 28, but my intention is to then re-train via a two year masters anyway. At best I won't have a first job in my desired field before I'm 30. It's not where I thought I'd be, but I think as long as you're happy it doesn't matter. What is it about lecturing that you enjoy? Would you be happy teaching basic college courses, or do you really want to be at a university? It's true that most HE posts will require you to earn your keep by both lecturing and researching, so that could be an issue.

Have you spoken to you careers service? I wonder if they might have suggestions for jobs within HE/FE that would really suit your interests. Do you even need to be teaching your specific subject, or would some kind of wider, student support role interest you?