In my humble view it may not be so serious! Many of us have things that really upset us when actually they are trivial. And we just have to get over them and become more resilient. It doesn't mean we are going to have a breakdown or similar.

Some people are naturally more resilient and so don't necessary experience these issues anyway. It sounds like skyisnotthelimit is at the start of the process of hardening up a bit, which has got to be a good thing.

For those who are less resilient naturally, I think academia is not only a place where there are lots of rejections (e.g., papers, grants, conferences etc) can compound feelings of insecurity, but also there is this academic hierarchy students in which students can be treated as though they are worthless... (depending on who they work with). Both these things surely feed into the negative feelings / overthinking / depression that normal humans can be prone to.

All the best skyisnotthelimit!

Hi KerryLouise
From what you've said you HAVE TO DO IT! Otherwise you are going to be bored/miserable/regret it forever! You could write up what you seriously have to lose... no one can take away from you what you have already achieved... and teaching posts aren't going to disappear... I say follow your dreams... it will be challenging to secure funding etc, but you'll get it in the end if it is what you really want. And then who knows what lies ahead!
I left a comfortable career that I excelled in (although it wasn't one that required much in the way of qualifications). It was hard to secure funding - I had to face some rejections. And then when I did leave my job I gave up my flat and car and moved away from the most important people in my life. But I can honestly say that it was all worth it. And even if I ended up back in my old job or similar (which I don't think I will), this has been the best adventure ever... pursuing my passion... and being recognized and appreciated for doing what I absolutely love! :-)
All the best
Tudor

Ps. Make a point of listing your achievements - no matter how small they may be! And remember that what you currently count as failures are actually learning opportunities, if you'll treat them as such.

Re your supervisor's embarrassment - that's something he'll have to get over!

Keep on smiling : )

I know it's easier said than done but... try to stop caring so much! It is just life! : - )

Yes, you just have to balance it all up! Only you know because you know your circumstances and ambitions. Personally, I'd go for the Masters in Sweden - as it is fully funded and sounds quite prestigious - and what a great opportunity! But that's not taking into account other factors people have mentioned - e.g., other commitments you may have. In an ideal world, I'd defo do that, then come back and do my PhD (or else stay in Sweden* or go elsewhere and do my PhD!).

*If it works out well, you may end being offered PhD funding there!

Useful ZaoRazor!

I think a day will come when you get so fed up of your own thoughts that you'll just stop doing it. So much time can be wasted on it!

Hi skyisnotthelimit! I think it's great that you're aware of these negative spiraling thoughts - as some people may be having them but be unaware of it/not know why they feel so bad. So now you're aware of them, yes, it sounds like a good idea to maybe try a few strategies from CBT or similar as Pjlu has suggested. I think once you start simply ignoring them (because they're counterproductive anyway right - whether they have any basis or not - which they don't in your case by the sounds of it) it'll just become normal to ignore them and you'll be free from it.

I've experienced something similar from time to time. A gripe I have is that my supervisor will often email me without a greeting, even if it has been weeks since we've been in touch. I always make a point of replying "Hi x" (with her name of course - not x) - just to show that I think this is the proper way to communicate. I know this doesn't bother everyone - some of my friends do it too - I suppose it's just a communication style. But whoever does it I find it annoying/slightly rude! I mean, just say Hi for crying out loud! Ridiculous as it sounds, that can put me in a bad mood! A strategy I have found to cope is to just make a joke of it to myself - say "miserable old fart!" and then move on.

I know this is different from your issue - but just sharing to show that other people have these obsessions too!

Re writing. That is one of the things I really appreciate about my supervisor. She has never changed anything I've written (although she'll comment if something isn't clear or could be better phrased).

How long since you emailed him? Maybe he is away for Easter? If it is really serious then I would suggest talk to your advisor if you have one, or do you have another supervisor?

I see where you're coming from but also agree with TreeofLife here. I am only just realising that the PhD candidate is responsible for their own PhD. Supervisors are a necessary add on. Because you're forced to be dependent on them in a sense (you need a supervisor etc) it sometimes can make you start thinking that they share some of the responsibility. But they're basically only there to provide some oversight. So in that sense, it isn't actually necessary that they are really well versed in your specific topic (although it would be nice).

In addition to what TreeofLife has suggested, could you try starting a reading group and invite people who would potentially be interested/have similar areas? It could include postdocs as well and wouldn't need to be big.

Can you find cheaper accommodation? London is a nightmare, especially compared to rent in many German cities I know. But maybe you could downgrade in someway? Or maybe you could go part time slightly (not half time but 3 quarters?) to allow you to take an extra job if that would work out any better than your full time stipend allowance? Have you tried looking for basic German translation work (e.g., translating manuals or website material)? Some jobs like this are work from home and quite boring/tedious (which might be nice as a relief from the PhD work and help with the anxiety/stress).

Not sure of any of this helps. If you really see life as better if you quit your PhD, and you don't think that you would regret it in a month, a year, or 5 years time, then do that. You could always return to one later in life when you're more financially stable - there's no age limit.

I just wanted to add... if you know that supervisor personally in any way (e.g., from undergraduate studies or work) it would probably be more appropriate to meet with them and explain in person. Less likely to cause anger/offense. You probably know this anyway! It just came to me so I thought I'd add it.

Good luck with the start of your PhD and congratulations again!

Hey larennaise, congratulations! Just explain in an open and polite way. It happens quite often I think, and is just unavoidable given the circumstances. They'll understand that.

Good to hear from you Mattfab. Yes, it is weird. Thankfully, I am not feeling sick now. But I still don't feel entirely like I've hit the jackpot necessarily in terms of my project and its coherence and value. I know a PhD doesn't mean a Nobel peace prize. I'm not talking about that. Anyway, I've sort of resigned myself to just get on with it and go through the motions of doing it. Maybe I'll feel more passionate when I'm writing (that's what I've always enjoyed doing) instead of thinking, planning, and reading.

Also, a friend of mine told me that there is this time during the 2nd year of a PhD where people often feel like I feel - questioning everything and being a bit demotivated/worrying. That was reassuring.

So is that what happened then - did you find a more interesting gap?

Were there no recommendations from the panel who accepted the appeal?