So, 15 years ago my husband came to me under the changing fall leaves to share the deepest desire of his heart. First and foremost that he loved me and the choices we made were together. Next, that he couldn't stand his job in educational administration and that his creativity would only be heard if he got a PhD.
The thought of Dr. And Mrs. Was exciting, after all...and I know now it was the right thing to do
BUT....
Four years into the program it seemed we were stuck in the dark woods of some B-rated horror flick. I was a stay at home mom with three kids and we lived off of $30,000 a year (only because of the blessing of a grant and fellowship).
During this time we witnessed three divorces (in his program) and a suicide (also in his department).
We lived in a part of the country where PhDs were scarce and our friends and family would look at us cross-eyed. Weren''t we done yet? Wasn't this like law school where you just pass a test at the end?

We were also very naive and at a loss for our predicament. What we thought would take 3 years took 7. It was very lonely. And as a spouse I honestly can't believe our marriage made it. It would have been nice to know there is an 80% divorce rate for marrieds getting their PhD. Now, hopefully your situation is better, but along the way I picked up tips to help spouses or significant others to make it through. There is hope! We made it and now my husband has a good laying job with a secure future.

MY TIPS FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ON THIS QUEST FOR THE PHANTOM PHD:
1. Do not see this adventure as a lull in your life. This IS your life. Right now! Find a way to enjoy it. Take advantage of any university services. Low cost yoga classes on campus. Campus facilities. Special parties.

2. Find cheap ways to spend this time. Join a runni g group. A writing group. A book club. There are many free things to do when your life seems stuck. J.k. Rowling wrote her novels when she was poor and down on her luck.

3. If you qualify for Medicaid (Especially if you are a stay at home mom- do it!). Universities are notorious for not understanding the needs of families. DO NOT expect their helth care plan to be good for people who want of have children.

4. Find a mentor who is older than you and been around the block in life. Preferably someone who has faced hardship and found a way to still have hope. Your same age friends will probably not understand.

5. Seek spiritual/psychological help if you need it. When the PhD is over you might have developed negative patterns (for the sake of the PhD ) that will not be resolved even if you make six digits. Don't wait until you are hiding in a closet crying for mercy. Do it now! Get counseling for a year!

6. Accept that hardly anyone understands. So many people are hurting. Cancer. Divorce. This too is hard and has its own reasons for being difficult. Most people won't understand why. It's okay. As long as you have your mom or a good mentor you will make it!

7. Get a job on the ea

So, 15 years ago my husband came to me under the changing fall leaves to share the deepest desire of his heart. First and foremost that he loved me and the choices we made were together. Next, that he couldn't stand his job in educational administration and that his creativity would only be heard if he got a PhD.
The thought of Dr. And Mrs. Was exciting, after all...and I know now it was the right thing to do
BUT....
Four years into the program it seemed we were stuck in the dark woods of some B-rated horror flick. I was a stay at home mom with three kids and we lived off of $30,000 a year (only because of the blessing of a grant and fellowship).
During this time we witnessed three divorces (in his program) and a suicide (also in his department).
We lived in a part of the country where PhDs were scarce and our friends and family would look at us cross-eyed. Weren''t we done yet? Wasn't this like law school where you just pass a test at the end?

We were also very naive and at a loss for our predicament. What we thought would take 3 years took 7. It was very lonely. And as a spouse I honestly can't believe our marriage made it. It would have been nice to know there is an 80% divorce rate for marrieds getting their PhD. Now, hopefully your situation is better, but along the way I picked up tips to help spouses or significant others to make it through. There is hope! We made it and now my husband has a good laying job with a secure future.

MY TIPS FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ON THIS QUEST FOR THE PHANTOM PHD:
1. Do not see this adventure as a lull in your life. This IS your life. Right now! Find a way to enjoy it. Take advantage of any university services. Low cost yoga classes on campus. Campus facilities. Special parties.

2. Find cheap ways to spend this time. Join a runni g group. A writing group. A book club. There are many free things to do when your life seems stuck. J.k. Rowling wrote her novels when she was poor and down on her luck.

3. If you qualify for Medicaid (Especially if you are a stay at home mom- do it!). Universities are notorious for not understanding the needs of families. DO NOT expect their helth care plan to be good for people who want of have children.

4. Find a mentor who is older than you and been around the block in life. Preferably someone who has faced hardship and found a way to still have hope. Your same age friends will probably not understand.

5. Seek spiritual/psychological help if you need it. When the PhD is over you might have developed negative patterns (for the sake of the PhD ) that will not be resolved even if you make six digits. Don't wait until you are hiding in a closet crying for mercy. Do it now! Get counseling for a year!

6. Accept that hardly anyone understands. So many people are hurting. Cancer. Divorce. This too is hard and has its own reasons for being difficult. Most people won't understand why. It's okay. As long as you have your mom or a good mentor you will make it!

7. Get a job on the ea

======= Date Modified 26 Oct 2012 01:09:16 =======
Wow! I wish I had found this several years ago. My husband took seven years as a full time doctorate student. ( I was a stay at home mom with three kids). It took a long time because, well, getting a PhD just takes THAT long and he had to get a grant and fellowship for us to make it financially. We got the PhD (notice I said WE because I take credit ) in Boulder. Let me tell you, WE were very naive and had NO IDEA what we were getting into! Also, unlike the east coast (where he now has a job) no one understands the PhD experience. We had our friends and family looking at us cross eyed. I can't believe our marriage made it ( all credit to God and our church - not us) as there is an 80% divorce rate for marriages that go through the PhD. Crazy!
That all said my husband now has a good, secure job. He now makes triple what we were "making" for the PhD. during the doctorate we lived off of $30,000 a year! What! Crazy! As a family of five.
So, hang in there. Find support. If its not from your family-we went to our pastor. He always believed in My husband.
But it was very lonely. Faith building, but lonely.
Now that I am on the east coast so many more people get it!