Pamw, that sounds really cool. I'm studying the growth patterns of churches in the last 200 years.

Agreed. But loneliness is a state of mind and a state of being that is imposed by the day-to-day research tasks. However, as researchers, shouldn't we be out there seeing the world and coming up with new ideas? Creativity = putting A and B together, where A and B are unrelated. Lol. :)

Hey sorry to send a personal message through this thread, but Pamw, what research are you doing that takes you down small lanes to visit churches? I am doing a bit of church research as well, and would like to compare notes. :)

Oh yeah, I do feel the same way. The only difference is that besides the work that I have to do in school, I have to help my parents and my grandmother with errands. Somehow, they think that a PhD student's life means that I have plenty of time to run errands for them. This is what researchers label as Family Overload in the Work-Family Balance literature. :)

Hi, I just read your posts, and I am in the same predicament, except that I am not in a US university. The difference is that I am in a country that imports a lot of researchers from the US or have been US-trained and because the school wants to improve its standing as a research institution, it has been attempting to educate us in an American way. I do have problems just chit-chatting with people simply because when I attend conferences, many people tend to think that I cannot speak English by virtue of my skin color. Haha. Even after telling them that English is the first language in my country, they repeat their question, slowly and emphatically "What language do you speak in your country?" The people whom I connect with though are those from Europe or from Asia. Is there a way that I can connect with the Americans? Somehow that connection is not coming through...

Hmm...I agree with Kerosen, but only partly. I think that you should definitely take time off to consider what it is you want to do - that's not quitting but finding yourself. That's important because if you have no direction, you cannot progress, and you will end up feeling more miserable. I am in a similar situation as you right now although I am now in my fourth year. I enjoyed my first two years, but in the last two years, I saw things happen that make me wonder whether I want to be in this line. Think carefully, and check out other options before you decide.

Sorry guys! Been so busy with my teaching, grading and research that I am taking some time to reply. Yes. I've spoken to my bf, and he still feels the same way. Guess I'll just have to try managing my time a little better. I guess doing a PhD and its commitments and requirements is not something that most people can understand. Most think that we are just students and since they've been students before, they think it's probably just attending lessons and doing homework each sem. If you want the best of both worlds, it's just up to you and no one else I guess. Thanks everyone for sharing! It's really good to see how everyone is managing both work and family.

Anyway, I'm glad to say that my bf has stopped waging cold war, and thanks everyone for helping me get through this.

Since most of us here are facing such an issue, isn't there a strategy that we can come up with so that we can have the best of both worlds? It's pretty hard to choose between either one... Should a PhD really take up so much time? Or are we just simply inefficient? Why are those eminent profs so able to cope? I mean, I read about them and they do have hobbies like mountain climbing, etc. So it can't be that they work 24/7.

I think what everyone is saying makes a lot of sense. Relationships and PhDs just don't cut it that well together because as Badhaircut says, the partner probably just wants to have as much time to himself/herself as before the PhD, the partner has an insecurity (esp if the partner is a male, and the PhD student is a female), and there is also the element of self - you either think that you are too busy and too poor to have relationships as Yeismeload puts it or you probably try to have the best of both worlds and everything just comes crumbling down.

Sorry if this sounds stupid... but I've been reading and following this thread, but I still don't know what "viva" is. Can someone enlighten me?

Thanks Pea. Yeah, I tried smsing him to talk to him about it but he just isn't responding at all. He'll definitely freak and get all upset if I show up at his office or house as he probably won't want anyone knowing that he is having problems with me. I find it so hard to leave him, that's why we keep hanging around each other even when we broke previously. I seriously don't know how or what I can do now since I seem to be talking to the wall. Silence is the worst killer...

I'm already in my 4th year of PhD and just left with my dissertation, so UFO, I'm not too keen to drop the PhD.

Seems like I'm not the only one facing a conflict between PhD and relationships. Spoke to a guy friend today, and he told me that if he's my bf, he'd be pissed too coz guys want attention and they expect the girl to give them all the attention they want. He said if he had a choice, he'd have a wife who stays at home instead of working. Is he too MCP or am I too modern for a girl? My gosh.

That's surprising to hear! Over at my university, the average is 4.5-5 years with 10 modules of coursework. Maybe it's the discipline I'm in - organizational behavior...