I was dismissed from my program because I didn't pass my comps. I didn't pass my comps however because rather than addressing factor analysis in one subquestion on my research interest exam I thought the exam was graded as a whole and referred readers to another subquestion where I addressed it (they took off more than half points for that subquestion which dropped my total score to just below 85) and because my conceptual model on my theory exam was too atheoretical (although the directions explicitly told us to use atheoretical constructs into our conceptual model). After my exam I told my adviser that I had severe treatment resistant depression and she dropped me as an advisee plus refused to meet with me.

I do not think my treatment or grading was fair and neither does a faculty member in another department that I have worked with. They want me to work with them and say that my exam is publishable. They just got tenure and at their celebration they spent a few minutes in their lecture talking about me by name and how my story isn't over yet and how they will support me wherever I land. It's incredibly honoring and I also am not that amazing a student that I deserve such strong support from them. I feel like a big failure and worry that if I apply to other programs I'll fuck up and ruin their good name.

Not having my former adviser's support is a big blow and I don't know if I can get a good reference letter from anyone in my former department. I'm still moving forward with contacting grad programs and studying for the graduate record exam (GRE) but I'm also questioning whether I should continue and it's hard for me to feel motivated at times. I'm near 40 and age is a factor for me. Also I had near perfect GRE scores before but am doing horribly on the practice tests.

What would you do in my situation to feel motivated?