[2/2] continued...

I feel regret of my decision and keep blaming myself for it. I should have look for a job while searching for an offer for the project that I wanted to do the most instead of making the decision in a rush. I realised that I am lacking of sufficient motivation to perform well on the project, hence hating myself even more as I know I can and I should do better. These few weeks I started to lose appetite and keep waking up in the middle of the night. I know I have to do something about it, and am thinking what I should do next.

I am considering quitting and do what I should do at the very beginning: get a job and start searching for what I really want. Another option is that I could suspend or take a leave of a week off from the university to get rid of my mind straight and continue the current project. The earlier option makes me feel very sorry for my supervisors as I am not sure if they will be allowed to take in another student for the project if I leave (funding issues). They have done nothing wrong and it is wholly my fault. I might also not able to get good references from my undergraduate lecturer for grad school application later on, as quitting would have bad influence on my image.

Any opinion and advice on my situation will be very much appreciated. Thanks a lot for spending your time reading this long post. :)

This post is long and please bear with me...

I started my PhD a few months ago and have been thinking if I have made a right decision of accepting this offer at the beginning.

I was very certain that I would want to be a researcher in the future during my undergraduate time. Thus, entering graduate school seems to be the logical next step for me to take upon graduation. I focused all my energy on getting stellar results and hopefully good recommendation from lecturers later on.
The problem was that I totally neglected the need to start planning on graduate studies and working on application earlier. I only realised that it was too late for me to apply for grad school and scholarship when I started surveying after my final examination. I started to panic, feel lost and worthless. My parents were pushing me to decide on my next step and suggesting me to get a job while searching. I have to admit that I was reluctant to get a real job because of the fear of entering real world and taking up commitment.

A PhD offer from my previous university came to me at that moment and required me to decide in a few days. It is not in the field which I desired the most, but I do not hate it either. I hesitated and struggled, but still accepted it in the end. Deep down in my heart I know that I might have made a wrong decision as it was partly to escape from the stress and uncertainties ahead. I told myself to do the best I can, and I will have the chance to do research in the field I love the most after PhD.

[1/2] to be continued...