You're so right Andreea. I do overthink things - all the time. I know I end up working myself up to the point where everything becomes too overwhelming to deal with. And there is life after the thesis whether we fail or not. I think it's been pretty hard for me to discover that undergraduate success does not always translate into postgraduate success. The formulas I was using to do well as an undergrad - work hard, read a lot, attend lectures - just don't cut it for thesis writing. At the same time, I have to remember not to make my ideas and arguments too complicated because I get confused and so does the reader. My mantra is: whether I pass or fail this thesis, if I try my best, I won't regret the past wonderful years I spent teaching, going to conferences, travelling, and making new friends. And you're right about having a high powered career. It's not for everyone. I think I would be a terrible researcher and writer in the humanities. But, I would be a good museum worker and report writer. Even if I don't end up working in a museum, I still think that I have learnt things through this process about my strengths and weaknesses. My writing has also definitely improved, which is a really good skill to have.

Thanks for your support Andreea. I'm glad you're on a roll Pineapple!!!

I'm due to submit end of December this year. This is my 5th full draft that I've been working on. I get depressed thinking about it and thinking about how much work I've done and yet, each time I look at it I feel like I haven't achieved anything. I had an appointment with my counsellor today and he suggested that I write down my anxieties on paper and put a mark next to each of them every time that I get anxious. Then, I should read them and have a time everyday to have an anxiety attack. I'm going to give this a go, because I'm desperate at the moment.

Each time I get stuck with a paragraph or chapter, I've decided to move on. This is not the time to have regrets, but I do regret starting the PhD and not quitting when I could have. If I lost 1 year or 2 years, I wouldn't have a problem. But losing 5.5 years, makes me incredibly depressed. I mean, I could have robbed a bank and went to jail and I would have had a better time than struggling with this thesis. I would probably be out of jail by now as well. Anyway, there's no point holding onto these regrets. I just have to forget about them and do what I can.

It is exhausting to get up and go to bed everyday feeling sad. I just want this nightmare to be over. Sorry about the negativity, but on days like today, I just feel so helpless and trapped.

A.

Thanks Pineapple and Andreea. It's comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing. I also worry about not passing this thesis. Over the past few days I've done some thinking about my anxiety attacks and my future career plans. I've decided that even if I do get an MPhil and not a PhD, it won't be the end of the world. Although my goal has always been a PhD because I wanted to become an academic, is following one career path worth my sanity? In fact, in some ways, getting a MPhil is still good because it allows me to start at the bottom of the career ladder and gain experience. I'm in museum studies, and from what I've heard, getting an MPhil and then working in a museum is pretty normal. I've come to accept that so long as I come out with a higher degree, then I'll be happy. And if I don't come out with anything, then I'll survive. It may take me awhile, but I'll pick myself up eventually and sign the last 6 years off as life experience.

I'm an ugly crier and I'm sick of feeling like crap about myself. Sometimes, we have to give ourselves a break. We give ourselves a hard time for not finishing soon enough, for not being smart enough, for not writing well enough, and for not being strong enough. ENOUGH. My plan is to just stick with it - one step at a time. I'm going to give it my best and not feel guilty or depressed if I get stuck or if I re-read my work and think that it's crap. There is an 'I' that the PhD process seems to squeeze out of students. Under the barrage of criticism and deadlines that we get, can we blame ourselves for our anxiety or depression? I will probably continue crying, but I know, deep down, that I will survive and that I will come out of this process stronger.

Here's a poem by Derek Walcott that helps to remind me to not lose sight of myself and who I am, and to know that I will always be here and that I can pull through this, one step at a time.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

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Hi Cath. I completely understand what you are going through. My advice is just stick with it. Easy to say, I know. I'm already in my fifth year and struggling to finish the thesis, which I have to submit by the end of this year. I keep working on my chapters, but they never seem to be good enough. Yesterday I went back to work on a chapter that I've been working on for weeks. It was a horrible experience. As soon as I thought I knew how to fix it up, I got stuck. Really stuck. So, I thought: well, there's no point sitting in my office being stressed, I should go for a walk. Get out of here. Clear my mind. I sat under a tree at the university lakes, and I couldn't believe it, but I just started crying! I couldn't stop. At that point I said to myself - QUIT! But then, I realised, this has happened before. I've cried many times over my thesis. I can pull through this. I decided not to work on the thesis yesterday and went to watch a movie instead. Alas, I couldn't help it, but I sat in the cinema - crying, again.

So, with puffy eyes, I write this message now. I guess we need faith in our own abilities to push us through the thesis. There is a reason why I wrote this chapter and the thesis in the first place. I just need to work out and explain what that reason is.

A.

Thanks Dr Corrinne. Yesterday I just started crying my eyes out. And now my eyes are puffy and I look like I've been punched. Sometimes it can get very overwhelming and I start thinking horrible thoughts about failing, wasting years of my life on the thesis etc etc. But you're right. We just have to stick with it and trust everyone else who has gone through. So, thanks for your advice.

A.

======= Date Modified 20 Oct 2011 22:04:53 =======
Dear Florence,

You're not a loser. I am in the same boat. I'm still seeing counselling. My looming deadline in December is the absolute latest extension the university will give me. I'm also in my 5th year and I had to quit work about 4 months ago, which is when I hit rock bottom. Yesterday, I read through my whole thesis from cover to cover and I'm totally shattered because I realise how bad it is, even though I've been working on it every day for 4 months. It feels like I've taken 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It's hard and everyday I struggle with wanting to quit. But then I think, if I do quit what will happen? Well, I'd still have my friends and they wouldn't think any different of me. Neither will my family or my cat. And I don't have a job. So, I might as well just keep going. I read these forums whenever I'm feeling down. And the general gist of them is to keep at it.

A.