Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and I am very happy to know that you are not alone if this phd stuff and I have learned a lot of stuff here.
Let me tell you a little about my situation. About 1.5 half year ago I started my masters and my baby was born, since then my wife had to postpone her career to focus on the baby and I had to focus on the Masters, we live on a different city from our parents and it was a rough time, but I manage to finish the masters and spent some time with my daughter and wife. After that we talked about myself doing a phd (i was offered a very good opprtunity with funding etc at a good university), she was reluctant at the moment, but I manage to convince her, so here I am just started the phd (2 months). We are having some issues relating the following:

-she did feel a litlle lonely on the masters (beacuse i was always studying) and she feels is going to be the same on the phd
- she misses home and she wants to get back
- she says that i am always on the computer (i am not a genius, so I need a lot of time studying to understand a subject)
- she says that i never spent time with and the baby

I will say that I am very honest and all of this is truth, so my question to you is: have you been in a smiliar situation?, how can I keep her happy and share more time with her and at the same time be a good phd student?, how did you cope with family and phd?

thank you all

I have a two year old, and took the first six months off work to concentrate on the baby, so I completely understand how lonely it can be looking after a small child by yourself all day. The solution as I see it is pretty simple: treat your phd like a job, and work on it Monday to Friday, 9-5 only. That gives you evenings and weekends to spend with your family, like any other working parent. I think that its a bit of a myth that you need to be working all hours to succeed in academia (providing you are working efficiently, of course).

Also, what does your wife really want? Is she happy to be postponing her career to be with your child? Or would getting back into work / study make her happier and more fulfilled? It looks like you need to have another conversation about what she would really like.

Well, that solution didnt quite work during the masters, maybe I am not efficientt, but I had always to do stuff as home as welll related to thesis, etc. I would try my best definitely in the phd, although its seems difficult.
I think she is not entirely happy with postponing her career, we are in a plan to try to enrol her at university, although we are savings funds for that.
I am trying my best to make her feel conforted but ultimately in a day to day basis she is like boring and a little bitter....

One thing that might work, is your wife getting a part-time job, you staying two mornings a week at home (assuming you don't need to be in the lab everyday), and probably pay only one-day per week daycare and/or some domestic help to offload some weight off your wife's shoulders.

It really depends on the PhD. My PhD was very labor-intensive and time consuming. I don't have a family, but I did neglect my friends during the hardest periods, and I was often sleep deprived. However, other people treat their PhDs as a 9-5 job and they manage fine.

Hello Dr.Jeckyll your ideas are actually good, I am just started the phd so I dont know yet how intensive ig going to be, but I would try to implement your ideas, I hope everything workds, thanks everyone for their post.

I think the issue here isn't even about the PhD per say. Rather, it seems (from what I've read from your post) that your wife has constantly put her career on hold for the baby and for you, and perhaps the same hasn't been offered for her?

Will a part time job work for her? Depends on whether its in something she wants to do, or is just a way to make ends meet. If the latter, it's not going to help your situation, it'll make things worse. It sounds like she's feeling neglected, and that her aspirations are not being considered on an equal level as yours are. Maybe she's unable to articulate how she feels in a productive way, so feels that relating the MA experience to what might be the PhD is how she's trying to achieve this.

What compromises have you made for her own career? Why is it that her career has to be put on hold each time/why is she the one having to make these sacrifices? What support networks have the two of you set up for each other? You mention you are in a city away from family and friends. Not the best move if you are expecting her to continue to support your needs and aspirations while hers are neglected.

At the end of the day, a good marriage and partnership is about compromise and equality, and (from what I've read, I don't have any insight into the workings of your relationship) it sounds as though its very one-sided in your favour.

My best advice to you is to sit her down, and get her to feel safe in talking to you about what she needs, and be prepared for responses that you may not like. Then you can work together to find a compromise that addresses what she needs, and is not a quick fix.

Hi, I'm a second year PhD student, a mum to 2 girls and my husband completed his PhD when the children were babies so I can maybe understand how both of you feel. I understand your wife feeling bored being at home with a baby and I totally know where she is coming from saying that she never sees you! I also understand how hard it is to fit the PhD round family life. But your just starting out so you must get this sorted now - the pressures of the PhD will only get worse. I find that I have to work round school/nursery hours and after the children are in bed, its non-negotiable, just the way it has to be. Maybe you can be at home in the evenings to let your wife go out to do a class or go to the gym, can you take the baby for a day at the weekend to give your wife time to herself? I found that helpful when I was struggling with young children.

Hello everyone, sorry to answer late, so little time these days. What awsoci says is true, somehow my goals have been more of a priorioty for a lot of other reasons, and in the past I know this was a going to be a problem, so we made with my wife trade-offs if she was happy with those at the time, but now she is not.
At the time, I have also made some sacrificies with her relating other aspects of our life. At the moment I am trying her to take some classes at an institute and trying to save money for her career.
Regarding what livealittle said, its a great idea, I would try to do what you suggest, I know phd is hard (i am already struggling with classes and economy and a lot of other stuff) but I know I have to find the balance, the problem is: my idea of balance is different that hers.

I'm going to take a harder line with this one, because as the PhD progresses it's only going to get harder.

You've a wife and fairly new born child and you entered the Phd with her already in a reluctant state. Her doubts have resurfaced only a very short time after you've started and your decision has been very much about you wanted, even after her putting her life on hold after your Masters.

You say yourself she felt lonely during your Masters and all she sees is more of the same. A Masters is one thing as it's only a year. A PhD can be three, four, five years even with revise and resubmit. Can you see her tolerating that?

I think after your Masters and knowing how she felt that perhaps putting the PhD idea on ice until the children were a little more grown up or she had a chance to move forward with her own life.

Some people manage okay with 9 to 5. However, you seem like me in that you need to put extra work in to make sense of and make the most of your work. Master was a year of high intensity for me, work and sleep, and despite an informal offer I could not immediately start a PhD. I started PhD after a few years in the real world - it started 9-5 but workload increased as time went on, I accumulated data and I started to write up based on that data. By the end, it was 12 to 16 hours a day.

I agree with awsoci. Sit down and talk honestly, ask what she wants. If this includes putting the PhD idea on ice for a few years, be prepared to do that for the sake of your wife and kids, at least until they are a little older.

I personally would not like to balance doing a PhD with having a young family. Some manage, but I'm no genius either.

Ian

Mackem_beefy I think you have a point, I am really scared what will happen in the future of this Phd. (I havent reply on a long time) and I have talked to my wife since my last post.
She told me all that she was feeling and I understood everything that she expressed. We are trying to get to a middle ground here and we are still talking about it, but I feel that she is managing better......My family is the most importat thing to me but I have put so much effort in this phd now, that I will feel sad if I quit

Coping with a phd and your family can get difficult. I had a similar situation. I had to take care of my husband and kid at the same time was enrolled for a phd. The situation was depressing but luckily my mom moved to our temporary home. I resorted to late night studies. Other time I used to spend time with my family, except of course, the class hours. Now I have successfully completed my Phd and now I have cleared all the mess and moved my books and study materials to my self storage unit in Toronto. Thanks to Jiffy storage for taking care of my storage needs! Noe I have donated some of my books to a nearby library, kept some for future reference purposes.

Hi. I have two children and a husband in a manual job who works long hours, which is just as frustrating. It's exhausting and very lonley not seeing your partner. This situation can happen in any job. You probably don't need to be at the computer anywhere near as much as you think you do. Make targets for what needs to be done when. If year 1 goal is pass the upgrade just work on that. You need to situate your research in the wider context but don't read around too much, keep focussed on your topic. It gets very easy to read around too much and become less specific, hampering productivity. You'll only really know what your PhD is after upgrade anyway. Put thoughts of presenting at conferences and writing articles until you gave some data - end of 2nd and into 3rd year. Two reasons, don't tell others ahead of you your gap in knowledge, they might fill it before you! Also data helps a convincing and engaging presentation/paper. If I could change anything (and you can as PhD is pretty flexible) what I'd give for my husband to be able to take the children out once a week, even only for an hour or so. Other than that, limit screen time when you're at home-have set times where all screens are off. You can do a PhD without overworking yourself.

Ian, no need to apologise :) . Funnily enough I find being busy with a family grounds me. My family is priority then PhD. Helps me not get stuck in being a perfectionist and be more pragmatic to get the job of doing the PhD done. A busy family of 2 children only 17 months apart means I can multitask and assimilate data like you wouldn't believe and my time and project management is second to non ha ha. I credit these skills to parenting as I certainly didn't have them before!