Hello

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice? I have recently moved to a new university and started a research project. I absolutely love my project, and so far the university seems really nice, but I am currently struggling with a complete lack of confidence.

I have always been shy until I get to know people (once I am comfortable with people I become a lot more outgoing), but at the moment I am really struggling to get to know people and am feeling a little bit isolated. I am finding it really difficult to make conversation with people when I do meet them and am worried I am going to come across as unfriendly or unapproachable.

I know it will take a bit of time to settle into a new place, but I am also completely doubting my abilities at the moment. I have a very approachable supervisor, however during meetings, whenever I am asked a question, even if I know the answer, my mind just freezes and goes blank and I can't answer. My face then goes really red, and I am very aware this happens which just makes the whole situation worse. I just feel really stupid.

I am going to join a couple of clubs and societies to meet people, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with finding it difficult to talk to people?

Thanks!

Hi traveller,

Sorry your having this problem and although I can't relate personally, I can maybe offer some advice?

I think they key to talking to people, is first and foremost - just LISTEN!

Most people do want to be heard and if you can be a reactive listener, then they and you will relax in each others company. Companionship, friendship and relationships all develop when you can read between the lines and just pick up on the signals that people give off. If you sense someone's unease, or you blush like mad, just try and laugh about it "I'm sorry for blushing! I'm just a fired up person... Haha..." Or " thanks for not mentioning my blushing... I wish I could ignore it too!,, lol".

I know this may seem a little silly, and I don't mean to belittle, but from experience, dealing with company execs, police, solicitors, academics and the likes (professional, I mean) I have found humility, a jovial manner and a relaxed approach to be most beneficial....

I hope this helps u somewhat, just remember that confidence can be worn like a jacket! (Mental or otherwise!)

Just you should move on your way and don't think what others may think.

Hi traveller,

Sorry to hear you're struggling with confidence issues at the moment. I too have found that since starting my PhD about a year and a half ago I've found it increasingly difficult to meet people and socialise, and when I am in social situations (or even just having chit chat in the office at work) I find it hard to get involved and be chatty with other people, and yet my close friends and boyfriend all say that I never shut up around them. I also blush a lot around new people, so I understand how embarrassing it can be.

I don't have a lot of advice unfortunately, apart from that it does get better with time. For me, my lack of confidence in my work and my project had a big impact on my confidence around other people, and I have found that as time went on and I became more confident in my abilities in the PhD, that I've managed to worry or care less about what other people think of me. I still struggle and have low periods where I feel isolated (for example I don't really 'click' with people in my department) but I have found a few friends outside of my department to meet with for coffee, drinks, etc from time to time.

You're doing the right thing in joining clubs/societies to meet people, and the only thing I would suggest for the blushing is to try to remember that most people there will be nervous about meeting new people as well. And if you meet people that you don't click with straight away, don't worry too much because you will eventually find like-minded people that you like spending time with. Things will settle down with time. If you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Best of luck!

Hello

Thank you for your replies. Anxious_PhDgirl, I also get told by my close friends that I never shut up, so it is good to hear that other people are also like this. I think I do just need to give it a bit more time and learn to not care what others think.

Buckley, I normally end up stood listening and saying very little, while just trying to smile, so I guess at least hopefully I will be coming across as a good listener.

Thanks for the advice, I will just keep trying for now and hopefully things will get a little easier.