Hey all,

Please bare with my english as it is not my native language.

Long backstory short: we used to study together for our masters degree, both in interaction design. We had several projects together and we really enjoyed each others company. We lost contact but since a year ago, we reconnected and started hanging out, even though it has not been much (Six times during almost a year). We seemed to always enjoy each others company, often resulting in lots of laughs and feeling relaxed and being ourselves. We exchanged christmas gifts, had dinner at each others houses (I did all the cooking), and I bought her a birthday gift that she quoted saying "I don't like it, I _love_ it". Every time we manage to see each other, she is ventilating about her work, her colleagues, her boss and she enjoys hearing about everything of my work as an industry professional. Sadly, there have been certain moments where we had to postpone or cancel our plans since her PhD is consuming a lot of her free time.

However she seems to put friends in a certain "order". Sometimes she puts all attention on me but suddenly she enters a long period of "inactivity" even though I see that she is online on social medias. We used to talk a lot with each other, often long conversations into the night but that has suddenly stopped. Is it normal for me, as a "regular" guy to wonder if she is doing this to ignore me or is she just too focused on her work? For example: a "normal" person would just invite someone to hang out with their colleagues since they were going to the same event but she seemed always reluctant to do that. Is it that she prefers to prioritise colleagues ahead of me?

I understand and respect her choice and that her line of work requires much from her but I cannot help to feel constantly neglected by her.

Maybe I am just reading too much into this but I would love hear all your opinions!

I'm not sure that a PhD is the reason for this sort of behaviour. I have had friends who have treated me as if I am an inferior class of friend and it has had nothing to do with their type of work; it has just been either rudeness or that they genuinely didn't value me as much as some of their other friends. It's true that a PhD can get crazily busy and can mean that someone doesn't have as much time to socialise, but if you feel she prioritises other people above you then I think that is a separate issue. Do you feel able to talk to her about it?

I would love to bring it up but it is still an issue of actually getting in touch with her or see her...

We used to be able to talk and chat for a really long periods of time. We did meet each other last Wednesday and she was all smiles and laughs. This was after not seeing each other after...3-4 months? However, we have not spoken since then, even if we managed to start a conversation between us that...suddenly just died out. I do not know, she used to be able to, at least, communicate with me when her days were over but now it is hardly...anything anymore.

She seems to always prioritise her colleagues before me. I can understand that one prefer to hang out with your fellow PhD candidates and researcher friends since you are spending time and working with them 8 hours a day, seven days a week. But it just makes me pretty upset that it feels like I am being "a last resort" on her list, despite her saying that she wants to hang out with me more.

I don't know, I am confused and I don't know if this is a common behaviour among doctoral students or if I am just being needy. (I apologise if I am painting everyone under the same brush!)

Everyone is different, and I guess some people find that their lives become busier with new people when they start a PhD, but I still don't think that would be a reason to drop someone who was important to you. Unless she tells you herself, it is impossible to know exactly what the reason is for her change towards you. I don't think it is something that can be explained by being a PhD student. It sounds like you have a fairly good idea that you have drifted apart for some reason, and I think the only options in that case are to accept the situation and see what happens, or talk to her and find out if there is a problem that can be fixed. Relationships can be difficult, confusing and upsetting, and PhD students are no better or worse at them than anyone else :-)

Sounds like it's a case of 'she's just not that into you'...

Maybe you should consider doing a PhD on the phsychology of women and their mindset in relationships. But I doubt anyone could come up with a rational or consclusive explanation after 4 years.

Seriously though, it's most likely non-PhD related, as a few others on here have suggested.

I guess you guys are right and I am sorry if I offended anyone. I will try and talk to her and see what it really is.

Thanks anyway!

I can see both sides of this to be honest. On balance, this may well be issues separate from the PhD and perhaps you both need to look at where your relationship is going.

However, I admit I myself compartmentalised my friendships during PhD, keeping work/PhD-based friendships separate from home-based ones. I found the conversations I was having with colleagues even during socialising were very different to those with my home-based friends and it was clear from almost the beginning the two would not mix. Put simply, I believed my home-based friends would find my work-obsessed PhD friends probably a bit boring or too focussed on work. Indeed, the few times I talked about it, I very quickly lost them off or was told not to be such a bore.

There is the chance your girlfriend is doing this for similar reasons and you may be being spared some very heavy duty conversations. The PhD process does take a lot of your time and energy, and the stresses that PhD candidates face are probably best understood by colleagues doing or having just been through similar. If you like, it becomes a separate community in it's own right. It's not an elitist thing, just people who because of their experiences have this high stress element of their lives in common.

Now back in the real world, I had a colleague with a PhD girlfriend. He said she rarely discussed her PhD work outside her Uni. circle of friends and strictly kept work and home life separate. This was even to the point that the main theme of her graduation photo discussions were on how well her new shoes matched her graduation gown, with no comment on the PhD itself.:-)

It may be relationship issues are arising, but it may equally be this separation of work and home life that I know some PhD people (and many people in general) practice. Either way, you should talk to each other to clarify where the two of you are going.

Ian