im a chemistry graduate...and right now i think i will fail my master degree...for introduction...i really love chemistry...esp physical chemistry...in terms of theories and so on...i really interested with computational chemistry but i dont have any basic...so i end up doing organic chem...it was short...and i got really sick when i did my organic chem...i cough blood for few times in the same month...and i decide to change the courses...first of all...i did use all the PPE...but im really sensitive person...im allergic to household dust/cosmetic product...and yet i still involve in organic chem...so i decide to change my courses...to do physical chemistry...im really good at calculating/modelling...but i become depress because i still need to do lab work...its not as bad as organic...but i still involve with acid/chemicals...i end up being depress for few years now...its hard...im really good at theories...but im suck at lab...i know how to do the experiment properly...im really good at it...but i had enough...i cant do it anymore...my body hates it...chemical makes me really sick...im a person who super duper sensitive...my skin can get rashes less than 1 minute if i use some random cosmetic...including high brand cosmetic..i usually get rashes all over my body even i dont have any contact at all with certain chemical...not just skin...i also have trouble to breath in not so clean room...and i did cough blood because i breath in the chemistry lab...i would said i had enough...to be continued...

other then skins problem...breath problem...i believe my health really deteriorate..but i just go on with the flow...because everyone expect huge thing from me...im a scholarship student...i publish papers even when i was doing my bachelor degree...so i tell myself...i can do this...just finish my master and my phd...and when i become a lecturer...i will hired research assistant to do all the lab work...until one day...when i lost one of my senses...and the specialist said i had a problem with my nervous system...something interrupt with my nervous system and my brain cant process correctly...and i lose my senses...yes...i almost lost my vision...due to the interruption in my brain and my nerve...and doctor prescribe me with medicine where the side effect will cause me to be depress...i just know about it years later...and i did depress really bad...i think about suicidal stuff...things like that...its not me at all...i used to be a really cheerful person...and i dont even know who i have become...the world seems crushes...and after so many years struggling...i would said that im way better now...im at my last semester...i cant extend anymore...i already extend my semester until maximum...and my thesis is something i havent look at all for so long...before i get sick...i already complete around 100 pages for my thesis...but i cant remember anything about it...since i had depression...i become forgetful...im different person and i dont recognize my self at all anymore...but im better now...no suicidal taught...and my world seems logical compare to before this...act i think i just recover...not completely...but better...when i was depress...everything seems so fast...i havent realize the time has past by...months...years...seems like really2 short...to be continued...

when i did my bachelor study...i would said...i hate lab and suck at it...but i love theories...chemistry is really fun...and satisfy me...because i love something challenging...esp physical chem...but i hate lab...i always try to avoid lab as much as i can...because i love to do reports...paperwork...i always make deal with others...they did the lab work...and i did the lab report...but everything change after i had my internship...then i realize...lab is not so bad and i become pretty good at it...my finale year project was success...we even had a real product for a trial market...it was huge...im really committed to it...i did organic chemistry and i really interested in research...it was fun...but that time i realize i start to get sick...but i cant connect the fact that i get sick because im working in the lab...i would said that chemistry is my passion...i really love it so much...but it just like a love hate relationship...i love it but it make me sick...so now...im sort of at dilemma...what should i do next...i probably will fail my masters...but i really love chemistry...i dont want to give up on it...as it is my passion...something i really love...i love how its satisfy me...esp in physical chemistry...to be continued...

so now i already think about few possibilities...one is to start all over again...study taught master in computational chemistry...before this i did my master in research...because in computational chemistry i can avoid lab 100%...everything in computer...but i dont have any basic in computational chem but my physical chem background is quit good ...secondly...work as a teacher...but im a person who easily get bored with something repetitive...i dont like to teach school...i havent teach any school at all...but i did freelance home tutoring before this...and i would said...it was boring to repeat the same thing all over again...its not really challenging...i did teach undergraduate during my master...and i really like it...but to teach an undergraduate i need to have phd...hence the first choice to start all over again...or 3rd choice...study completely different thing...i would said...im not really good with language...writing etc...but im really good with communicating verbally with others...and other than chemistry and teaching...i really like science policy...hence maybe i would love to hear other ppl opinion regarding my problems...i feel so frustrated with myself...i gain weight more than 20kg...i feel im a total failure...i used to be some sort of bright student...and now im nowhere...i already 27 this year...im frustrated with myself...esp i really love chemistry...its really near but yet so far...i graduate when i was 21...and not feeling well for this past 7 years but getting really worst the last 4 years...by the way i got my eyesight back...good thing it was temporary...or maybe the forth choice...working somewhere else...and when im completely healthy...maybe i can continue my studies...but im scared if its too late...because i kinda old now...would love to hear other people taught about this matter...because somehow im completely lost...i dont do anything this past 2 years...i was really depress...the end...