I am very good friends with a couple - we hang out together, have dinner, do stuff etc. The girl is one of my best friends, but I am also very fond of her partner - the only reason I don't call him etc is because he is my friend's boyf and I want to keep that boundary.

My dilema is thus: My dear friend moved to another city six months ago and struck up a friendship with a guy at work - he was also in a relationship, recently, however, he has split with his lady and has declared his affections for my friend - saying that he can no longer be friends with her if there is no chance of a relationship. She is utterly confused and pre-occupied- she says she has feelings for this new bloke, that they nearly kissed befre the cool off and that she doesn't miss her boyf as much as she thinks she should (they are having a rotten sticky patch).

She's talking to me about it a lot, which is fine, I'd much rather that than she suffer alone - but I feel awful about her boyf - I really don't want my friend to be unfaithful to him so can't help doing the 'be sensible routine', and I also don't want to see her lose a relationship with someone who really loves her, especially when she s away from home in a new city etc, etc, (she is sensitive). But then, if this new one is right for her, then I don't want to be remembered as someone who tried to stand in the way. It's really hard to say the right thing.

Any thoughts all you PGF Claire Raynors?

Hey Eska, I'm probably gonna ask something that's going to make you mad at me but am hoping you dont get me wrong!! From your first para where you said you don't call him etc cos he;s her BF, do you (at any/some level) have any feelings/things for this guy? I mean, if yes or even at an unknown level, maybe thats why you're feeling bad that she is being potentially unfaithful?

If that's not the case, then I think the first task is to put your girl friend first - her needs, wants and emotions first, as long as she is not making a hasty mistake. No one can say if this is really IT, or if this new guy is 'the' man, but often we rush into things, as long as that's not it, be with her :-)

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Double post!

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Hi Bug thanks, yeah, I am absolutely with my friend - I'm just worried I'll say the wrong thing, that's why I'm posting. I really struggle to find the right words when I'm discussing it with her, which is quite a lot, she's rang me about 3 or 4 time this week over it - especially as I don't know the new one. I'm quite protective of her and he said this thing that raised alarm bells with me - that he didn't trust himself around her because she was being provocative - and this really upset her. HHHmmm just hard to know what to say.I'd hate to see her dump her current bloke for a rotter.

Her boyf is ace, yes, and we get on very well, but I don't think he would be right for me - there are also times when he fundamentally does my head, but it's ok because he ain't mine. I think I'd fancy most of my friend's blokes, at least a bit, if they weren't my friend's blokes if you now what I mean! We are all people with excellent taste.

When I mention calling him I meant as a friend generally tho, not in any romantc way and certainly not to discuss this.

How many other friends has she got in this new place? If not many then this may colour her judgement a bit, also, it is a bit of a leap from being friends at work to becoming bf and gf. I would have thought that a few meetings outside work would have been the norm before the splitting with a long term gf would be in order, after all, people are allowed to go out with whoever they like, or go out, like you did with a couple. Is she sure the split was his choice, how long had this previous relationship been in place??? This person could well be a serial flitter There is a big leap to be made between being friends and being anything else and I would advise caution with regards to anything that appears to be progressing rather fast towards couple status, especially when a big move has just taken place. If the feeling is that you may lose one of the few friends you have, there may be more reason for pursuing something that in other circumstances might not even be considered. The not missing might be due to having other things to do in a new place, or feeling that the relationship can survive without feelings of angst all the time even if there is a sticky patch in the mix. The only thing you can really advise is that it is something to think long and hard about its a personal decision, you can only offer the reverse side of any arguments she may make, six months means this is not a 'head over heels' thing, and I would suspect that if there was something more than friendship maybe six months is rather long for no progression at all, if both parties wanted it to do so. To suggest that its bf or no friendship sounds a bit manipulative to me.

======= Date Modified 25 Oct 2010 16:09:07 =======
Hi Joyce, yeah she doesn't really have any other friends where she is and is very lonely and in a competitive atmosphere at work, sometimes crying about that. She says she sees her future: marriage, babies etc with her bloke, but is obsessing about this new one; I think he is a 'head worker' as they say in my neck of the woods, and that she is vulnerable to creating her and her current partner a lot of pain. Also, she's not from the UK and doesn't see family from one year to the next and so already has that isolation to deal with. However, I am not Mystic Meg or God, so cannot be sure of any of this.

I'm going to see her in late November, so I hope I can be more helpful to her then. It's really hard over the phone because I think sometimes people just need a hug, not words.

if she is asking you, I suspect she knows that she doesn't really think it is a good idea, and probably just wants you to confirm that it is not a good way forward. That is what friends are for, that and telling you that the dress you are trying on and which you think is really quite nice is in fact really horrendous and you need to put it back on the rack immediately. The all or nothing is no way forward at all, you could well be the next thing that has to be removed or he will not continue with her, and who knows what could follow. I'm saying this as a colleague's daughter has recently started going out with someone who is doing even more extreme things - for example he has given the girl a large photo frame, with a photo of him already in it, so she can put it by her bed and see him at all times, and amongst other things for her birthday he gave her a key ring with HIS initial on it and all this after just one month, that is really scary. 

Hi Joyce, yeah, thank you for this. I guess the thing to do its play it by ear, and say wat I think is rght at the time - that's all I can do. Thank you for listening.