hi everyone
I have been helping a friend, suddenly I am so tired of doing this. I don't want to mention what I have done for her all this while, but I did so willingly, now she wants me to babysit her son for her and I feel so fed up. I did promise to help but that was ages ago. Now it seems like I cannot back out of my promise (as I always keep my word).

I'm so tired, what should I do? Keep my promise and babysit for her (reluctantly) or tell her straight off I can't do it (when I did make this offer of help to her in the past!). Or babysit this time and then say no in future.

any advice welcome
love satchi

Hi Satchi, I say don't do it - for the sake of your friendship and wellbeing. You can go back on your word if you have to!

I used to be overly nice and helpful with people, so that it interferred with my life and wellbeing, but you have to draw a line for your own sake. Look after yourself as you have looked after them x

Hi Satchi, I'm a bit like this myself and have also got myself into trouble over it through people taking advantage of me. Its so difficult to say no sometimes though. I'd babysit once if she was desperate and didn't have anybody else, but then tell her you're really busy with work etc. and can't help so much any more. I'm sure you've been really good to her so she should respect this. Nxx

hi natassia and eska
thanks for your messages. I did offer to watch her son but this was months ago when I did not have so much to do; now I still feel not in the mood to do it. The last time I helped to put someone up at my place (when I really didn't want to) but this person did not have anywhere else to go. Its as if I have to help people but I don't want to and they keep coming my way.

another reason I am so reluctant is probably because I am tired of coming to her rescue so often. I think I am also annoyed with her (I just realised this!) because I had to spend time talking sense into her (when she was depressed etc.) and she can be very difficult sometimes. For example you say to her, "your family loves you", then she replies "yes but I don't deserve them". And whatever you say to her in the positive, she will respond in the opposite way. Suddenly this has come to irritate me and I wonder why I spent time with her in the first place.

I used to think I was a giving person; but suddenly I feel tired of giving. Can people really feel like this.

at this moment (back to my friend) she has nobody else; so I will help her but my heart is so reluctant; I've decided I will help her but only this time. After that I cannot keep my word anymore.

thanks for being with me
love satchi

Hi Satchi,

Is your friend finding it difficult to cope with life or is she suffering from depression do you know? I say this because some of the things mention resonate when I had depression and was struggling - everything is very negative, clinging to anyone who showed a bit of sympathy or care and also being very selfish about needs. It had exactly the same effect it seems to on you - people being driven away. But there were some pretty horrid underlying reasons in my case and I'm wondering if your friend is having a difficult time of things and doesn't know what options there are to deal with things?

hi Dan
you're absolutely right, she is depressed. And yes this is driving me away. To be very frank I would like to avoid her; and after this babysitting thing I intend to do just that. On the other hand I still feel for her and think that I should not "abandon" her at this time but its just getting too much.

I have given her phone numbers of counselors and also the resident psychologist; her family is too far away. I think that is really all I can do. I cannot rescue her all the time. At the same time I cannot speak to anyone else (apart from the forum) about her; it would look as if I were her good friend but I am speaking "ill" of her when I dont want it to be so.

love satchi

I know exactly how you feel. You want to be a good friend and help her but sometimes you can just get tired of everyone else's problems and would like some time to yourself or have them help you instead. I'm in that situation at the moment with my sister who is having problems with work, her husband and he has just been made redundant. I have another friend who started divorce proceedings recently. I have had them both on the phone to me, including 3am when I was away working, and both in tears. I have been there for them, supported them, tried to give advice, reassure them etc etc. Then a couple of weeks ago I had a crisis and needed help myself. But I felt they were too wrapped up in their own problems and now I'm just tired of hearing them moan all the time and even though my problems are to do with PhD pressure which on the face of it don't seem important to 'normal' people, it's important to me that I get the help I need because it is affecting me every day. So if someone else tries to burden me with their problems I just have to say I'm sorry but I can't deal with that at the moment as I have other priorities. So - back to you Satchi (I see the irony of my post!) - I would be proud that you are good friend and have helped your friend in the past and maybe babysit once but say you have a heavier workload now than you had when you originally offered so you are sorry but you won't be able to commit anymore time.

I think you need to do whatever it is that is going to make you feel okay. I think I understand what you are saying - I have a very similar situation with a close friend. If you are going to feel awful for not keeping your promise, then babysit this time, save yourself many hours/days of ruminating on it, and then say no in future. However, if you are going to feel angry and trapped into babysitting, then it is probably best to explain that you no longer can do it and apologise. In all fairness, you made the promise a long time ago, and in any case, everyone is entitled to change their minds and as long as you give some notice and say no in a polite but firm way, then I can't see that you'd be doing anything wrong. Good luck with it. x

thank you so much for your replies
I really appreciate it
love satchi