======= Date Modified 18 Apr 2011 12:11:39 =======
Are there any current or ex-PhD students whose close family member fought cancer during your PhD studies? I am the primary caregiver to my mom with stage 4 breast cancer. She was diagnosed at the time when I started my PhD. It's been quite of a roller coaster, plus I'm pregnant, due in 5-6 months. Now the doctors are saying that a drug has possibly not been working for mom and will tell the final verdict tmrow.

It's been a lot to go through, in between managed to finish the first Chapter of my PhD. Have a good supervisor, won a scholarship for the next year to finish my project but I feel like giving up with my studies now.

I had a mad burnout a couple of years ago, now I feel "drained out" in the same way. Maybe it's better to concentrate on other things - mom and baby? Just don't have any resources left for PhD. Will talk to my supervisor about possibly quitting. TAking some time out and coming back - I don't know, untill that my topic might be already well researched and I will have to start over again with a new idea.

Dear Sheyna,

You have been going through a very hard time indeed. You have all my sympathy. Caring for a person with a serious illness is a very difficult job, especially at a time i which you probably need to be supported.
You have done incredibly well, and my concern is that if you quit now you will regret it. On the other hand you need a break. Have you considered taking a suspension of study for a year? That would give you time to focus on your mother and your baby (!), and go back to your studies (or reconsider the situation in a year time) according to what happens in the meantime. I would suggest to wait and see what the doctors say about your mother, and then speak to your supervisor.
I wish you, your baby, and your mum all the very best.

======= Date Modified 18 Apr 2011 12:38:44 =======
Sheyna

My sympathies to you on your situation. I do have direct experience of what you describe, although was not pregnant at the time of my sister's illness. I do however have four children. My mother and my other sister were her primary carers and it was very tough and there was three of us sharing the care, not one as is your situation. It was incredibly difficult and I can only imagine how drained you are. My supervisor was and is great and was very supportive through it all. I would prefer not to go into further details if you don't mind but you are welcome to pm me if you like.

Investigate the possibility of taking time off - going off the books as it is known - between your mother's illness and your pregnancy you have ample grounds. It would not, I imagine, affect the scholarship you have earned. However, you would need to check it out.

Deciding to quit is ultimately your decision. I can see pros and cons of quitting but it's difficult to advise somebody as every case is different.

My thoughts are with you

A

My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer just after I had started my PhD and we nursed her at home. I carried on with my studies but four years later with hindsight and having really struggled to keep on track and now wondering if I will ever finish, I wish I had taken time off. There were other events in my life in the same year including buying a house,marriage break-up and starting a new relationship. I'm having counselling now because I don't think I dealt with everything properly (if you can!) at the time. I thought I was the sort of person who could just get on with things but I think I should have taken a break.
If you are feeling drained now I wonder how that will improve with your mum and the baby on the way. I'd say don't quit, but take some time off and carry on with some reading and stuff when you feel like it but know that there is no pressure and deadlines for a while.
Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope that there is good news for your mum.

Hi Sheyna,

I don't often comment on this forum but thought that my experience may be useful to you. My mum was diagnosed with stage 3/4 bowel cancer in my first year of my PhD. Although I don't think I really 'cared' for her (she's a very independent lady!), I attended all of the hospital appointments, scans, radiotherapy and chemo sessions etc with her. I was at the time working part-time, doing the PhD and trying to plan a wedding so I know what you mean about the rollercoaster! My supervisor was really supportive but it was hard going at the time and the PhD did take a back seat to everything else. In the end I decided to quit my job which allowed me the extra mental space and time which I needed to deal with everything.

Fast forward to today - I'm currently in my fourth year of the PhD, intending to submit in September. I'm pleased to say that my mum is now clear of cancer after about a year of treatment and unfortunately a bowel removal operation (which took place the day after my wedding!). I won't assume to understand what you are going through but for me the process was made easier but my mum who is totally awesome and always positive despite some scary doctor predictions. I think we both just adopted a 'just get on with it' attitude which helped but I'm not sure what would have happened if the treatment hadn't been successful. My heart really is with you as you're waiting for news from the docs and I hope it's positive.

So I'm not sure whether it's appropriate to try and give advice but from my experience I'm glad that I continued with the PhD and I'm not sure whether I would ever have come back to it if I had taken an official break (as opposed to just not really getting anything done for about 9 months). I'm one of those students who has ummed and ahhhed about quitting throughout but I now have 6/7 chapters and starting to see the finish point. I found getting back into the PhD difficult but talking to other students and going to conferences helped me remember why I started it in the first place.

Reading this forum shows that people have had a break and come back to it and for some a time away from the PhD has been the best thing. I wouldn't worry about the topic if you do have a break, there's always something new and interesting to find.

Sorry for the long ramble, I hope that things work out for you and at least you have a new baby to look forward to in a few months. Good luck with everything.

Thank you all so much for the nice support and sharing your experience! I doubted before posting this thread thinking it might not be very appropriate in the middle of all the PhD concerns but it is nice to know that there are people who really understand what I'm talking about.

We've been to the doctor yesterday. Scan results are mixed - somewhere shrinkage, somewhere growth, but the growth is less than 25%, which is still considered stable. So they decided to continue the same treatment for the next 5 weeks and see once again. I tried to encourage mom with the hope for better results but there are some worrying symptoms that appeared recently. The only hope is that this drug works slowly and might eventually start its job...

I'm planning to meet my supervisor within the next 1-2 weeks and see what he has to suggest.

Ady, I'm sorry for your loss of your sister. I just hate and curse this disease.

PamW, I can relate to what you mean by "wish I had taken a break". Hope you are doing better now and it was a good decision to seek out a councelor. I don't think you can ever deal with this thing properly from the beginning. It's natural to deny its ugly pictures and to try to maintain a normal life. I also took huge amount of (perhaps unnecessary) load thinking I'm the tough one, untill my body literally refused some day and I had to take 2 weeks off doing nothing. After this break I was able to work again and presented my first Chapter in a seminar with encouraging feedback, this made me keep doing my PhD. But after this I decided not to stress out that much as before. I am too important for my mom to stop functioning, all else can burn.

Crim22, thank you for taking your time to share your experience, it gave me some perspective. It's great to hear that the treatment has worked for your mum and my sincere best wishes for her to stay healthy for the many many years to come and to become a very old lady! It's great that you are close to finishing your PhD. As long as mom stays well, like you, I might keep going and try to come to the finish line with PhD. The only thing is - I'm not able to go as fast and committed as before. Like you said, PhD has been coming with "a back seat to everything else". The scholarship I'm about to receive might be tough on meeting the deadlines with the reports, but will talk about it with my supervisor as well.

Thank you once again! Your replies meant a lot to me.

Wishing you all the best,
Sheyna