Hi guys
Sorry to bring this up on PGF but I'm really turning myself round in circles trying to figure this one out and I figured saying as there have been 'boy' topics covered before this might be ok.... As some of you know I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He is great in many ways, while we are two very different people and have very different views on lots of things. I generally like that he's different, I tend to get bored if I'm not challenged by something (possibly hence doing the PhD and trying to make up my own job...) but there are some things that I don't like. They are usually relatively small things that when I think about it, I can see where he's coming from, but I still don't agree. These usually tend to be things about how he treats me and what he values as important in a relationship.
Several of my friends have mentioned that he's not treating me right and don't be with me when he's there as they don't get on. It's not a situation where I have to choose between them thankfully, but it can be difficult. The thing is, we argue when these things happen and every time we do I'm left wondering if I'm doing the right thing by staying with him. I usually end up trying to ignore how I'm feeling about stuff and trying to accept his point of view, but I think the problem is that I really don't believe it or agree with him. I really don't want to break up with him, but all these arguments are really getting me down, I'm losing time working and generally feeling like crap every time it happens. Which can be quite often.
So I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think, is it something I should just try to get used to or should I listen to my friends? Sorry again for sticking it on the forum, just massively confused this week!

Hey AQ,

I wasn't sure what advice to give you so was waiting to see what others said first but realised that was quite cowardly :-) Firstly, don't feel bad about posting on here, that's why it's called 'off-topics'! We've all got to *know* eachother a little bit on here so I think it's good that we can chat about non-PhD things aswell. How long have you been with your boyfriend? I find it really difficult to offer advice without knowing some specifics but I don't want to pry! Do you think he treats you badly? Or is it just that you have differences of opinion?

nice hats people!

some specifics would be good - in what way do you disagree with him? and give us an incident where he 'mistreated' you.

Its difficult for me to say. My hubby used to get in fowl moods and huge tempers, until I put my foot down, said 'you're behaving like a spoilt brat and I won't have it' and he's stopped doing it since! I think (sits on her pop psychology armchair) there is that forming, storming and norming element of relationships, its just whether you want to get over the storming bit or not.

thanks guys, I don't feel so bad about posting now after that Keep_Calm :-)
We have been together nearly 4 years, and its always been a bit long distance due to him living in a different city, but mostly so for about 2 years now, maybe a bit more. I don't really want to go into specifics, it's all little things, which really might not be important, but I've always got hung up on the little things anyway, think that's just who I am, as annoying as it is. One example, we don't always like to do the same things, such as going out. I love dancing, since I was about 5 years old and making up my own little dance routines, and I love going out to clubs. Not raving now, just normal dancing, especially with my boyfriend, it's nice dancing with a boy! He on the other hand, doesn't like it, and when he has to go along to something he doesn't like, he behaves like a spoiled child and sits sulking and letting everyone know he's having a miserable time. So I said ok, he doesn't have to come with me, except on my birthday cos it's important to me that he comes then. Then last year coming up to my birthday he made such a fuss about going, and about me having a party that I gave in and told him to just come the next day. So he wasn't even out for my birthday last year cos of it. My mates were raging but I just let it pass. Then recently I suggested to him that perhaps if we both make an effort to do things that the other likes, it might not be so bad. Like I'll so something he likes that I'm not really fussed on, and he can come out with me occasionally. I though if we both did something, then it might not seem like he's selling his soul if he comes out dancing with me sometimes! Then said it was as if I would only do something nice for him if i get something in return....which is not what I meant at all and he knows me so he should know that. It's mostly just things like that really...I changed my hair colour and he told me he didn't like it and that I wasn't pretty and he told me not to do it again.
We went through a really rough patch early last year and broke up briefly but ended up getting back together, over the same kinds of things, only worse. I'm really quite independent so when he tries to tell me what to do I get really annoyed and we argue but then he makes it like that's not what he meant and I get confused! It's just that everything is great otherwise, and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if it's all little subtle things that are actually bad. I just don't think I'm brave enough to break up with him again in case it's the wrong decision.

well in terms of the acting like a spoilt child - that's just men. The birthday thing is a harsh, but maybe he thought that all your friends would be there for you. - I would suggest buying 'just dance' for wii though! You could definitely do that together without anyone watching!

men are also funny about hair. My hubs will not, under any circumstances, let me cut my hair shorter than my shoulders - that's just him. I've noticed that men usually go for the same colour hair ladies as their mothers (I know - so freudian!) so he probably has a 'type' and therefore doesn't want you to change.

Its difficult to work out whether he's worth it. My hubby did things like this, and all my friends went mental - but partly it was them being annoyed I was spending my time with him rather than them.

Overall I think communication is the key. if you feel you can talk to him in the most honest way ever and he will listen, then its worth it. If he doesn't open up, doesn't want to talk, then there may be problems.

I think you need to be honest with yourself, deep down do you want to continue the relationship or not? you could make a list of good and bad points which is a bit clinical, but may help a bit. it depends upon how these little tantrums pan out - is it always you who gives in, if so, you could be storing up trouble for the future - and that means the first one to say  'I was wrong', not the ' I was wrong too' which isn't the same. This doesn't mean you should never disagree of course, but there is a difference between disagreement between equals, and those where someone always wants their own way. Four years is a long time, longer than some marriages even, but whilst there are no permanent ties, such as living together or more, you can get out without too much trauma if you need to, once you cross that line into permanency- semi or otherwise - it is a different ball game.
Do you see a different side of him, that you don't like when you disagree? Do you feel threatened - even a little bit? As for the hair etc. i would only have accepted anyone telling me what to do if I was able to dictate what they did too, equality is good dictatorship is not. Don't try to get used to something you are not comfortable with, it won't work in the long run.

======= Date Modified 09 May 2010 18:59:56 =======

lol sneaks, I think I'm rather more stubborn than you, as soon as he 'told' me not to dye it again I decided I wanted to go another different colour! Not because I wanted to, just because I don't want him to think he can tell me what to do! Haven't done it yet though, still not sure if it's worth the bother! I think some of my friends have issues because they don't really get on with him anyway, he's not their kind of person, I have a very varied group of friends who don't all see eye to eye! I think I have several different personalities that all like to come out from time to time! :-) I have friends for each type!
I have tried to talk to him about it before, and it usually goes ok, but then another little thing will happen and he doesn't see the connection between them all and thinks I'm just arguing for the sake of it sometimes! Although to be honest, I think sometimes I do, when I'm feeling very stressed. Which I kind of am at the moment, so it's hard to see if it's that, the distance, or us! Guess I'll just wait it out until life is 'normal' again and see what happens!

I think men just don't see the importance of their little comments sometimes. I'm afraid he might just need some training i.e. just because he doesn't see what he's done wrong, does not mean he gets out of buying you chocolates to say sorry!

I also think maybe this is because you live apart and you (presumably are over 25) have got used to living independently. My friends who live by themsleves really struggle to compromise on things - they are stuck in their ways to a certain extent and find my compromising with hubs, really wierd! So maybe its a little stubbornness on your part and a little idiocy on his part. But 'at the end of the day' a relationship should be fun and if its not maybe its time to have a talk/end it.

in terms of my hair - I think if i really wanted to cut it i would, but it a) serves as my security blanket to hide my face in stressful situations b) I feel too fat to go short! and c) I like my hubs to find me as attractive as possible and therefore would keep my hair long, so I felt good if that makes sense. And yes i do request things of him e.g. not shaving his head, basic hygeine and he has to play just dance with me 4 times a week ;-)

======= Date Modified 09 May 2010 20:52:53 =======
lol sneaks I think I'll get that just dance cd and see how I get on! :) I think he'd be up for that actually, no crowds of drunk people bashing into him, just me! Should be fine! Thanks for the advice, I had a chat and it's sorted, he was really very nice about it. I see him this weekend and apparently there's a special treat in store so it's not all bad :-) I think I've just listened to my Dad go on so much about how easy it is for relationships to devolve into a fight for control and manipulation that I get paranoid sometimes, silly I know but I'm working on it!
and yes, we are both over 25, and he is even more stubborn than me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7zoqluKRuc

LOVE it!!! I'd love to see you pulling some moves at a party now sneaks!! :D

Oh Gosh Joyce I just saw your reply there now, I'm so sorry I don't know how I missed that :$
I think you are right 100% though which is why when we have those kinds of arguments I end up getting really frustrated if I don't know what to do. It's not always me backing down, we have had several talks about 'big' things where we have had different opinions on things and have been able to compromise or come to an agreement on them quite well, and he's backed down a fair few times himself. I think sometimes he just doesn't get how these little things get to me. He is so matter-of-fact, he'll say something and perhaps not think how it sounds. He's getting much better at it though, that was one of the things that we had argued about when we broke up last year (but he was writing up then and extremely stressed, which I'm starting to properly understand) and I can see he's really making a conscious effort to think how I'll react to things. I think I baffle him a little bit to be honest! I couldn't imagine not being with him in the future, he is the kindest most loyal person I know, even with his flaws, but then we all have some!

I think you and him should read the book men are from mars and women from venus, they key is to understand that men and women are different, and different things annoy us.. i read it i thought it was really good. I ignore my boyfriend when he is being stupid, then later on i let him know that the way he reacted or what he done or said was wrong and why. He does the same. But all in all, no realationship can be complete, and differences will always exist, its all about the effective communication. That last sentence made me feel like i am writing in the style of a thesis :S

Hi AQ - as I am responsible for one of the recent 'boy threads' (and received great advice!) - I think it's only fair that I should comment on this one!

I don't think I can give much more advice than what others have given already, and I am pleased that you seem to be working things out with him. I do think that it is probably a communication problem that has only really emerged since you have been in a long-distance relationship, I think that your relationship with him is worth working at as you have managed to stay together so long, in difficult circumstances. However, I think you also need to listen to yourself and your friends, if the relationship has run it's course (and that can be shown in these minor annoyances) then there is no point in holding onto it. I really hope that isn't the case though, and that you and him can sort things out. Nxx

Thanks Natassia and Amanda. I know he's different from me, but sometimes I get fed up of ignoring him when he's being stupid and annoying and I think it's about time he started thinking before he speaks! Then I remember that he can't know how I'm going to react to every single thing he says, so it's back to square one! It's all sorted though, it doesn't feel like the end of the relationship, we still have plenty to talk about and still have great fun together, the distance is just getting hearder to deal with though. I don't feel threatened at all with him, and it's not all my friends who think like that of him, just the ones who never really got on with him anyway, so I do listen to them. I'm just going to make my own decision about things though, I'm not too fussed on their choice of partners either really! The people who know (and like) us both think we have a strong relationship so I suppose it's all relative.
Thanks for all the advice though, you have all really helped! (mince)