So, 15 years ago my husband came to me under the changing fall leaves to share the deepest desire of his heart. First and foremost that he loved me and the choices we made were together. Next, that he couldn't stand his job in educational administration and that his creativity would only be heard if he got a PhD.
The thought of Dr. And Mrs. Was exciting, after all...and I know now it was the right thing to do
BUT....
Four years into the program it seemed we were stuck in the dark woods of some B-rated horror flick. I was a stay at home mom with three kids and we lived off of $30,000 a year (only because of the blessing of a grant and fellowship).
During this time we witnessed three divorces (in his program) and a suicide (also in his department).
We lived in a part of the country where PhDs were scarce and our friends and family would look at us cross-eyed. Weren''t we done yet? Wasn't this like law school where you just pass a test at the end?

We were also very naive and at a loss for our predicament. What we thought would take 3 years took 7. It was very lonely. And as a spouse I honestly can't believe our marriage made it. It would have been nice to know there is an 80% divorce rate for marrieds getting their PhD. Now, hopefully your situation is better, but along the way I picked up tips to help spouses or significant others to make it through. There is hope! We made it and now my husband has a good laying job with a secure future.

MY TIPS FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ON THIS QUEST FOR THE PHANTOM PHD:
1. Do not see this adventure as a lull in your life. This IS your life. Right now! Find a way to enjoy it. Take advantage of any university services. Low cost yoga classes on campus. Campus facilities. Special parties.

2. Find cheap ways to spend this time. Join a runni g group. A writing group. A book club. There are many free things to do when your life seems stuck. J.k. Rowling wrote her novels when she was poor and down on her luck.

3. If you qualify for Medicaid (Especially if you are a stay at home mom- do it!). Universities are notorious for not understanding the needs of families. DO NOT expect their helth care plan to be good for people who want of have children.

4. Find a mentor who is older than you and been around the block in life. Preferably someone who has faced hardship and found a way to still have hope. Your same age friends will probably not understand.

5. Seek spiritual/psychological help if you need it. When the PhD is over you might have developed negative patterns (for the sake of the PhD ) that will not be resolved even if you make six digits. Don't wait until you are hiding in a closet crying for mercy. Do it now! Get counseling for a year!

6. Accept that hardly anyone understands. So many people are hurting. Cancer. Divorce. This too is hard and has its own reasons for being difficult. Most people won't understand why. It's okay. As long as you have your mom or a good mentor you will make it!

7. Get a job on the ea