Hi everyone, hopefully this will be the last time I post asking for relationship advice, as I know that isn't really what PGF is for, but you're all so helpful and it's really useful to have some advice from people from a similar background in terms of aspirations etc...not a lot of people understand academic pressures sometimes. I would really appreciate any advice as this is a tough situation that I have never been in before, although I have asked my friends I don't want them to just be saying what they think I want to hear.

I started seeing this guy about 4 weeks ago, I knew he always fancied me and in the end I made the first move, gave him my number and things progressed from there. He always said that he was so pleased I had done that as he would have never had the courage to ask me out himself. Despite coming from different backgrounds, we get on very well and have a lot in common, ie shared values etc, basically we are quite similar people. I really liked him, I still do, and can see this going somewhere beyond the 'seeing' stage, I think I'm falling for him, or maybe I have already.

Things were going well, he always wanted to see me, we spoke or texted every day, and when we saw each other we had a good time. He became really interested in what I was doing in a totally honest way, was really pleased when I got accepted for my PhD - basically after a really difficult few months I thought my life was finally going the way I wanted it to go. I wished my granddad was there to see it, but I knew he would be happy for me. The only real barrier in our relationship was time, I am really busy with my MSc, horse and job, he understood that and told me that he would be there when I wanted to see him, and that he didn't want to take me away from my studies. He works 6 days a week, but his job is 9-5 so he tends to have evenings free, so he can see quite a lot of his friends.

Last weekend though, we were supposed to see each other on the Friday evening, but then something serious came up with a friend of his. I didn't want to put pressure on him so I said we could meet another day and that he should spend the evening sorting things out, he did and was really apologetic that he couldn't see me. We didn't speak all weekend, then I text him yesterday just to see if he was ok. We met last night and he just said that I was the last person that he wanted to hurt, that he thought that I was a genuinely lovely person who he still wanted in his life, but that he was caught up in a lot of trouble with his friends that he didn't want to drag me into when I was so busy with my studies etc.

I'd be inclined to think that's a bit lame of him. I mean if you don't want to get involved, then you can make that decision yourself and leave, you don't need him to preempt it. I'd want to know EXACTLY what is going on whith his friends, I mean how much trouble can this be? Unless he's talking girl trouble e.g an ex or something? All sounds a bit suspect to me.

Sorry for having to add more....

I could tell that he was upset, he looked exhausted and he told me he was a total mess and that he needed space to be away from everyone. He isn't getting on with his family and his friends have taken advantage of him to the extent that he is trying to please everyone, and not being able to think of himself. I feel so bad for him, but I cannot really do anything to help as he will not tell me what the actual problems are. He said that he still wanted me as a friend and that we could start afresh when these issues were resolved, but he doesn't know how long that will take.

I knew something was up and this sounds ridiculous now, but I was convinced that he was seeing someone else, probably a projection from previous relationships where I have been cheated on and lied to. He isn't though, and he told me that I deserved to meet someone else, and that he wouldn't blame me if I did. I really don't want to though, and from a totally selfish perspective, I just want things to be how they were.

I'm going on now so will stop writing, but this is really upsetting me, and I feel totally powerless. We were together for about 2 hours last night, he said that he would call me but to be honest I'm not expecting anything, if I don't hear from him by the end of the week I'll text him to see how he is.

Thanks for any advice, Natassia xx

yep I still stand by my previous post - you need to know the details. Why is he trying to decide your actions for you? Maybe he just wants attention - bit of a drama queen perhaps. If he really liked you he'd want you there alongside him to help him through it. Maybe he has a habit of pushing people away.

I know what you mean Sneaks - I did manage to get something out of him and basically he's staying with a friend whose wife has been taken seriously ill and is in hospital, there are clearly other issues involved as he's worried that this friend is going to harm himself. His mum has thrown him out of the house, god knows why as she got really upset when he told her he was going to move out again with friends. And then there are some more problems that I have an idea about from previous conversations, but they are basically people taking advantage of his good nature. He said that he wished he could tell me but that I wouldn't like it and that it would upset me and make me worry about him when I had other things to worry about.

It isn't an ex though, which is slightly comforting for me, I have to think about my own feelings as well.

I think it's definitely pushing people away that is the problem for him - he is convinced that he can sort everything out himself, which is normal I think, but he did tell me about a good friend of his, who he is moving in with soon, who helped him before when he became depressed (this isn't the first time so he knows what is going on). I just told him to let his friend help him as he couldn't do it all for himself. I still feel so bad though.

If it were me I'd be annoyed at him, You are an adult and therefore can cope with the info he has. He's being a martyr. Tell him to stop the 'poor me, you have to leave so you aren't dragged down to my level' rubbish - sharing your problems is part of a relationship, you can't just shut the other person out and tell them to leave.

I am 5 years younger than him but can definitely cope with whatever he has to say to me. We have shared problems before and he's listened and agreed with what I've had to say so he knows I'm not a stupid little girl. I don't know if our 'relationship' is at the stage where he would like to share everything with me though, in some ways we are still getting to know each other.

I didn't just sit back and take it all from him though, I did tell him that I was upset and he told me he felt guilty. When he said that he could soon realise that he had made a huge mistake and that he had probably ruined potential happiness with me, I said that maybe he would and had, as he had the chance to say his piece I wanted to say mine as well. He knows I'm not a total pushover, but he also knows that I like him a lot and want to start again in the future. I don't want a 'friends with benefits' type situation that doesn't go anywhere, I want a relationship and he said that is what he wanted, until all of this happened. He said that his life had been turned totally upside-down, after thinking that things were sorting themselves out after meeting me. He also said that he could have blocked things out and had a good night with me yesterday, but that he wanted to be honest with me out of respect.

I don't know what to think though, I wish I could be angry with him but I can't, in some ways it would have been easier for me to deal with the upset of him seeing someone else, it would be far easier to despise him.

Thanks Sneaks, I really appreciate you taking the time to give your honest opinion, having a different perspective is really useful, Nx

well good luck with it, sounds like you've got good communication there. Maybe just let him know you can handle the knowledge of what's going on - even if you don't get involved, if that makes sense.

Hmm, it's tempting to say that he should just be honest with you and let you take a decision (it's certainly what I'd want) but I can understand him being wary of loading too much onto a new relationship. While it sounds a very convoluted situation - why would his friend's ill wife make you worry about him? I know it's tempting to read a lot in and be suspicious, but I have to be honest, I did that once with a guy who didn't call when he said he would, got odd texts explaining that "something" had happened and he'd had to go away. I thought "aye right mate" and told him, no hard feelings, let's just forget it. At which point he expressed panic and explained that his friend had been killed and he'd been back home with the family - I was mortified. I think what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, despite all our worldly suspicions, there can be a genuine reason behind odd happenings. If the guy is special and no one else comes along in the meantime, then there's no harm in re-visiting things a few months later (with a full explanation, of course). Just make sure it's not stringing you along and stressing you out though.

Hey Natassia, I would probably want to hang in there and just try to be there for him, even if he doesn't want to involve you in it. You've not been together for very long and I think it's natural for him to try to protect you from something that he thinks may upset you. Hopefully if you make it clear that you are there for him he will feel able to tell you what is going on- I think that is important because it's going to be difficult to be together if he's keeping some sort of secret from you. But I would be patient for a while at least. I know it's a bit different, but the first time I was admitted to hospital with bipolar I finished with my boyfriend. We hadn't been together for long and I just didn't want him to be stuck with me or feel like he had to stay with me because I was ill, and I suppose I was worried that he would be embarrassed that his girlfriend was on a psych ward. I just didn't want him to have to deal with it. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision, or the right one, but I honestly did it to make things easier for him, however crappy that sounds now. So I do think it's natural for him to want to protect you or keep from you something that he thinks will upset you, he is probably doing it with the best of intentions. But I think you do need to know the truth, so reassure him that you can handle it whenever he is ready to tell you. Hope it gets sorted out, he sounds like a good guy. Best, KB

ah yes, maybe he has a bromance!

Time heals all...

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Slizor (up)