I have written 45000 of my thesis, of which my supervisor says is acceptable for my final draft albeit it will need tidied up. I have completed 60 percent of my fieldwork, just one final stage to go and I feel that I could finish, I'm enjoying the teaching duties BUT i'm in a department that I hate, a certain person has not made things easy for me from the word go and I have tried to move departments as i am cross disciplinary to no avail. Things have been better but I'm going to be expected to present this year at the department conference and in this area I have no confidence. I didn't have much to begin with and this persons actions have not helped - although I'm not passing blame, its my own responsibility to overcome this I know. I have managed a poster presentation and spoke at a PhD conference but feel that I can't do this at all to the extent that I really want to just throw it all in.

I think i'm trying to rationalize the strengths of what I have achieved so far against a major weakness. I thought I may feel better about this after teaching but I don't. Every time I think about it I feel like i'm suffocating. I supposed i'm just venting in the hope that I gain gain some clarity or someone can offer some insight.

Thanks.

it would be an incredible shame after coming so far to have this stop you now. While I know your feelings must be pretty difficult, is there any way you can just acknowledge them (internally) then set them to one side and go ahead.

Presumably you have to write or have written your presentation and then you need to practice it (read it out several times-either in front of a friend or family member or the mirror). Just do these things anyway-go through all the steps you need to take to achieve success. Prepare your mind and body to go through with this anyway, even if you feel like you are suffocating, but even while you are doing this be gentle on yourself and don't blame yourself. If this person is bullying you (even if it is subtle), then it is not surprising you are finding this difficult to deal with. Many, if not most people find bullying really hard to deal with-you are not alone in your reactions and responses.

However, you do not have to let this prevent you from completing your departmental conference and your PhD or anything else. I would ask if it is possible to do something about the bullying through the department. However, in saying this, I also know (professionally) that sometimes this is much easier said than done and many people try to ignore or avoid bullying and dealing with complaints from their employees as they really don't know how to deal with it and hope that avoidance will cause it to cease or the problem to 'go away'.

If you can do something, then by all means do it, but if you find this is hard, then perhaps finding and discussing the person's behaviour and your responses with a sympathetic postgrad student, post doc or other colleague might assist you gain some perspective and feel better able to deal with this. Counselling might also assist or talking to the HR or support people-even if it is a 'hypothetical' conversation or similar.

Important things from my perspective here would be:
stop blaming yourself for your understandable reactions to another's difficult behaviour.
Find support from friends, family or colleagues.
Tell yourself you can do this (the presentation that is) and do all you can physically and mentally to prepare yourself for a great presentation.
Acknowledge that probably this person's behaviour impacts badly on others as well-they just might not say anything out of embarrassment or similar feelings.
Possibly seek out further help from the department or some counselling if this problem seems beyond this form of management.

Good luck and know we are all behind you 100 percent. Well done on your fantastic achievements and work thus far. Keep going as you have already. :). Hoping also that many of the other wise people on this forum provide further support and ideas that will assist.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think i'll print this and put it in my home office.

I did report it to my supervisor who was not very supportive at all, yet others I have confided in can clearly see the behaviour. I also went to counselling for awhile, I found the best course of action has been to work off campus, its just not been that much fun at all - not that I expect the PhD to be fun! I will soldier on and try to positive, I keep telling myself the proof is in the thesis - which get me through writing but the presentation just always knocks me for six. I am going to try really hard to take your advice, its frustrating trying to overcome a barrier like this.

Thank you again:)

It sounds like you have reached about the same stage with your work as I had 9 months ago. I submitted shortly before Christmas so don't quit over a presentation. I think Pjlu's advice is good but also consider seeing if your University offers presentation skills training and then take other, safe opportunities to practice presenting.

Being bullied is incredibly difficult and damaging but try and remember that most of the rest of the audience will be supportive of you as the speaker (partly it's fellow feeling - lots of people find presenting tough). If it feels like someone is trying to publicly undermine you then others will notice and it won't reflect badly on you. If you are asked difficult questions that you really can't answer then just say so. There are some really good phrases for this: "That's a very interesting question, I'm afraid I don't have the answer right now" , "That is an important point and you are right, I haven't properly addressed it and will now give it some thought" , "That's something I haven't had time to look at in detail but these are some of my thoughts...." That kind of thing. You don't have to have answers for everything and presentations can be helpful to clarify your thinking / see where there are gaps in your work. Also as there are others who can see the behaviour, ask them in advance to notice if you are struggling and to be prepared to help if a line of questioning becomes aggressive / undermining.

it may be helpful to book a single councilling session before the presentation to discuss what is the worse thing that can happen with a safe person. I am assuming you can't fail your PhD if your presentation is not very good (or even if you do what someone I know did which was to completely freeze, be unable to speak and then just left - this person now has a very successful career that involves presenting) but you will certainly fail if you quit over it!

Hello,

I thought I would feedback on this post to share my experience with others who may be feeling similar pressures. It's now four months on, and I'm still here. Very close to finalising my data collection and half way through my data analysis. I have since experienced more issues with the bully in question.I had been coping until this point but really let it get to me this time. However, my responses were always with courtesy to said person so I did not stoop a lower level. I also spoke to my supervisory team again about the situation. One advised me that if it continues I have grounds to make a complaint against the member of staff and the other was of the attitude of just stay out their way and focus on thesis.

As I am so close to finishing I decided to take the latter approach and focus on my thesis and I am practising mindfulness techniques to stop my emotions from taking over, I can't change this person's attitude so I am focusing solely on achieving my goals! so far so good (albeit a long way off!).

Additionally, I have managed to present my research a couple of times. I won't lie, I did use beta blockers to control my physical symptoms but as a result I was able to get through it and focus on what I was doing. The rewards of this are more confidence to do it again. So if anyone is feeling the way I did a few months ago stick in there, speak out if you need any form of support and jump each hurdle as it comes.

Also thanks to everyone on this forum for their support. (no doubt i'll be back looking for more!)