I hoped to be married by now, to finish my phd and start a family and an academic career.

But the two soulmate types I met in grad school met other guys first and got married to them instead. I want to make a difference in my field -- I'm good, well connected, I think i could get a great tenure track job. However, I just realized I don't want that on my own. I know it's hard work starting out and I don't think the dating scene would be good.

So I am thinking of finishing this Ph.D. and then going for an industry job where I'll have more free time, lots more money, and some hope for dating and meeting someone. I'm a romantic and love is so important to me, and I am sad imagining my life as a single professor. Am I crazy to put academia on hold like this? I would have finished already if I had met "her" but I hate the idea of giving up on my dream and leaving the student life without meeting someone.

I have books to write and really great research ideas, but it's not bringing me love -- well, not quite, because of the bad timing. Can anyone offer advice? I'm 33 and I want to solve the love problem so I can have the great career I want. But I don't want a career that will be detriment to getting married. I read that 86% of faculty are married. And I don't want to date students when I'm a prof. I want to date peers, intelligent mature women. I wish I could start grad school over and meet either of my two near-misses a month earlier, it just feels now failure, and great science won't make up for missing out on love.

hi Oulera
Your post is a bit difficult for me to understand. So you want to finish your phd and go for a industry job, right? What do you mean by putting academia on hold? Do you mean stop writing those great books and research ideas while you are searching for Miss Right? :-)

33 is a good age to be; and love will come to you wherever you are, if you invite it lovingly and openly. You don't have to do an industry job to have lots of free time (I'm not so sure about money), well what I mean is you dont have to go into a specific career line just to find your life partner.

It probably hasn't happened for you yet. Be patient. Concentrate on your phd now, always think positive; whenever you have spare minutes, sit and imagine yourself being successful with wife, family; as you keep yourself positive, your outlook will change and so will the environment around you.

Its great (and somewhat responsible, if that is the right word?) that you dont want to date students when you are a professor. Even soldiers who are sent away for lengthy periods of time get married!!! Think of all the oil rig engineers etc.etc.
THey have families too!

Don't dwell on what might have been (your two near-misses), let it go, let all of that go. Love will definitely come to you.

:-) satchi

Sorry, but I think your assumption that having a job in industry over a job in academia and being able to be happily married is highly flawed. It's a very simplistic view. Relationships, finding them and keeping them, is hard work whether you're in academia or public sector or private sector. It makes no difference.

I think you have put attachment on the fact you met these "soulmates" in an academic setting and maybe that's what is throwing things off. It won't magically chance going into industry. I thought I'd have met someone by now since going into private sector (over a year now) but have had ups and downs with dating, and still single.

Do what you want to in terms of career choice, but basing it on the flawed increased probability of finding love is a bit crazy to me.

Sorry if I am bit mislead "He is asking all the pretty and Intelligent ladies in this forum" if anyone is single and want to learn more about Oulera. I believe this is not a dating site. I beg your pardon again if I was wrong..

So to summarise, you are thinking of turning down the career you want (academia) because you believe you'll meet more women in another (industry)?

Love can be really quite random, so ditching a good career on the basis of female availability seems rather daft. How do you know that Mrs Oulera won't also be an academic, or work in administration? Academics often network more widely with like-minded peers than those in industry as well. To be honest, I suspect your career is really a red herring in all this. If you want to improve the odds, there are lots of things you can do, none of which require you to shelve your academic aspirations (or letch on students):

First, get over these so-called soulmates. That may sound harsh, but if you're stuck in the past you'll miss the present, and nothing puts a woman off quicker than someone moping over unrequited love, it insults us and makes you look wet. Besides, if they were really meant to be with you you wouldn't have missed them, in reality, they're happily married to other men who they consider their true soulmates.

Next, do something! We don't expect the perfect job to come and fall in our laps, why expect it of a relationship? Join a club, a dating website, a singles holiday..... if you truly want love, get out there and look for it. The idea that only student life can give offer a romantic future is nonsense, I deliberately looked outside it when I wanted a partner. Yes, it may be hard starting out on the dating scene, but it can also be fun, liberating and a whole lot else, besides, did "it's hard" stop you chasing academia all these years?

Lastly, choose the job you truly love. Letting go of your ambitions "for love" will see you resentful and depressed later on. Someone who loves what they do and is passionate about it will make a far more appealing partner. Good luck!

I tend to agree with Goodboy!

Hi all,
Thanks for the replies. I really am trying to be pragmatic here -- I've heard lots of people talking about how hard the tenure-track lifestyle is for the first several years, and I'm reacting against the idea that I'll be locked-up in my office trying to publish tons of papers and teaching (creating new courses, which always takes a ton of time), etc. This path sounds like tons of work (but rewarding stuff). I'm skeptical that it's the best idea for me now though, but also surprised at my own shift of attitude, hence me asking for advice. I'm just imagining the professor-world as a bit isolating. Also, if I ended up in a smallish university town I'm worried about the size of the dating pool, whereas an industry job would more likely be in a bigger city with more people to meet. I guess if I got a position at a school in a bigger city it might alleviate the problem; I prefer smaller college towns, but not if it's going to be too limiting in terms of dating/getting married!

I know I'm rambling a bit -- hope I made a little bit of sense in there. I do want to just be myself and stick with my own ambitions, etc., but so far, I feel like this has been preventing me from finding the right one, and romance is gradually becoming a higher and higher priority. Sure, I think the my ambitions/dreams/success so far, etc. have made me attractive to potential mates, but I'm also interested in awesome, above-average, intelligent women, and in the university towns I've lived in, these people seem to be married before I have the chance to meet them.

Well, I can't decide if this is a crazy factor to consider or not... I just want to up my chances -- and there are plenty of other positives about an industry job too. It's just not my original dream -- tenure, professor, family, etc -- so I have trouble deciding what's right!

And no, I'm not trolling through forums looking for dates :) I just had this honest career-question come up, because I hear so many warnings about the difficulty of the tenure-process! Is it really reasonable to jump into that alone when I want to make love a priority?