Hi all, hope everyone had a lovely festive break....

My question is basically about a sensitive issue which im not really sure how to explain without sounding as if I am in secondary school, but here goes:

I (female in early 20s) started my PhD back in late Sept, and I had instant intellectual connection with my supervisor (also female, senior lecturer early 40s i.e old enough to be my mum). Now I want to stress the "intellectual" part of that, as I DO NOT fancy her. However, since we have such a good chemistry for conversation, we have ended up talking for hours etc, and she has said that she has never done that with a student of hers before. I also know from others that she is very curt with them.

All of this is great, except for one thing - there seems to an underlying awkwardness/tension ever since she found out I was gay. This happened about a month ago, and since then, she seems to feel the need to mention her boyfriend and stress that its a guy, and in group meetings (research group) she has slipped in things like "oh my boyfriend doesn't have that computer programme so couldn't open the file" or "I dont drive but my boyfriend does" at times when it hadn't been relevant to the discussion, whilst looking directly at me when saying the word "boyfriend'. She has also started i feel, distancing herself, as we don't really have the long conversations we did before, and when we actually did talk for an extended period (in the evening, till about 9pm) her boyfriend called a couple of times towards the end and she made sure to say "its important its my boyfriend".

This all may sound innocuous to others, but yes, there is an akwardness that i feel is kind of becoming detrimental to our ability to communicate well like before.

I was thinking of just bringing it up and saying something like i respect you as an academic and enjoy our conversations, but that I don't feel anything romantic for her. Would this be a terrible idea? Or would it be best to just ignore it and continue with the awkwardness?

I think you should just leave it. I just don't see a way to raise the issue without it becoming even more awkward - basically you'd be saying to her, I think you're acting weird because you think I might be attracted to you, but I'm not. It's more her problem than yours anyway, and I think if you continue to be professional towards her then she'll realise you're not interested and will become more comfortable around you. You're still getting to know each other anyway and often this can be awkward enough without an underlying sexual tension.

I think you should ignore it, you could make things even more awkward if you say something. For all you know, she may have other reasons for behaving as she has - maybe realised she should keep a professional distance between her and all her students and treat them all the same, so no-one perceives any sense of favouritism, intellectual or otherwise, ie no night-time phone calls. There is always the possibility that you've misinterpreted the situation too. It's early days if you started in September and you've got a long way till the end of your PhD, so it would be a shame to make things more awkward, as you obviously both got on well until recently and she sounds very good for your actual research. Can you just treat the whole thing like a 9-5 job, save your conversations for tutorials at college or email and see if the whole thing gradually blows over?

She seems to be very nervous about that. I know this from other people who are nervous dealing with homosexual people from the same sex. Give her some time to find out that you are not interested in her in that way.
In your place I would wait for a while and then talk to her.

Could you not do the same ie start mentioning 'your girlfriend' (whether you have one or not) during the conversation at irrelevant moments so she can take the hint that a) you dont fancy her and b) its a pretty insane way to start behaving and that she needs to get a grip?

It does sound rather a tricky situation, I have to agree though that bringing it up might make a situation even more awkward and you have to work with this woman for the next few years. I don't really understand why people respond this way to those who are gay, almost as if the fact that they are gay means that they will fancy you by default, its all really daft isn't it - if we responded in that manner to other heterosexuals we'd spend our whole lives in a state of constant paranoia! I have a few friends who are gay, both male and female, and they have expressed these problems before. Maybe there is a way that you can slip in mention of a girlfriend, or just be the bigger person and totally ignore it. She can't think you fancy her forever! I really don't see that you can bring the subject up though without really making things tricky - it would be like me approaching my supervisor and explaining that I don't fancy him lol.
I do think that this is her problem and she needs, if this is the problem and not just that she is trying to be 'professional' in an odd manner, to get a grip and work out that she's not all that and really not your type at all ;-)

I was about to suggest the same thing. Let the supervisor know you have a 'long term partner' (even if you don't). Don't say 'girlfriend', this will only add to the awkwardness, but say partner. This will hopefully eliminate any unfounded fears that you were hitting on her etc. And then otherwise, ignore the issue and focus on your PhD. Frankly, becoming friends with your supervisor is generally a bad idea because you will inevitably have conflicts at some point.

Your supervisor does sound a little immature in the way she is dealing with the issue of sexuality. However, in these types of situations, there is always more at stake for the supervisor than the student i.e., the academic rumour mill, their job, their livelihood etc.

I agree, you need to just hint at a long term relationship of your own, and when you go back/see her again after the Christmas break it will be an ideal time to do this. not only that but you could casually ask about her boyfriend. that would show that you acknowledge she has one and should establish that you are perfectly happy with your own relationship (doesn't matter if it is true or not, she will never know one way or the other) and get you both back to the issue in hand, which is getting through your PhD.

For what it's worth, I don't agree at all. Why on earth should your sexuality or relationship status matter to your PhD and supervision? I think giving info about your relationships for this reason could be compromising to you - also what if you weren't in a relationship, does that mean she would then have something to worry about? Because, to me, that's what this tactic implies. Whatever the reason for her nerves and change of behaviour, it's her problem, not yours. As long as her behaviour doesn't get in the way of your supervision or PhD I'd just let her get over this mini crisis in her own time snd keep being professional.

thanks for all the replies, much appreciated.

I will (continue) to act professional and keep all conversations work-related, my behaviour so far I really don't think could be interpreted as flirting by even the most paranoid/hopeful of people- but yes, she probably does need time to work all this out for herself. If not i'll put plan B into action and conjur up the phantom gf:D

The weird thing is, she seems pretty liberal and has more gay friends/colleagues than me! and after reading a report by her (can't say for whom for fear of being recognised ) -seems rather pro-gay rights!:p:p

Hmmm, maybe she is secretly attracted to you? :p

...................

Please tell me you are joking
:-(

Although....she does stare at me a lot when im interacting with others......:p

hi Newbie, That thought did also cross my mind!! although that's something she has to deal with, not you. Good luck.

hm...it crossed my mind fleetingly too actually...but am trying to ignore it as it could make things rather :$

...it crossed my mind too!