======= Date Modified 25 22 2010 06:22:44 =======
I'm just approaching 3 years on my PhD (in New Zealand, where we are expected to finish in 3 - 4 years total). I'm going to be running overtime on my 3 years, but expect to be able to finish in the next 6 - 8 months.

About 4 months ago I met a fellow PhD student in another department. We hit it off straight away and started dating - we'd known each other a week when my father suddenly passed away. This new boyfriend stood by me and supported me through an incredibly hard time, over the next couple of months we fell in love. Everything is right with him - we get along so well I consider him a best friend as well as a boyfriend, we have tonnes in common (so lots of excuses to spend time together), lots of chemistry, physical attraction, mutual respect and admiration. Basically it's been a great relationship so far.

He's also finishing his PhD in about the same time frame. Prior to meeting him I was incredibly stressed about finishing. Then after my dad died I chose to mellow about it - I'll finish the PhD but it's more important to me right now to find balance in my life, with friendships, family, interests etc. Life's short - as I learnt this year - and I think it's important to find time for those things.
He, on the other hand, is feeling pressured for time. He's got a lot of work to do, and he's in the middle of a really exciting time in his research (the last two years of work is about to come together for him). He's decided he can't be in a relationship while he finishes his thesis, so we have broken up.

I do understand where he's coming from, and I'm also at a stage where I'm looking forward to putting in some longer hours of research and get some big results I've been waiting a long time for. We want to stay friends, and keep sharing all of the common interests we have. We can also support each other through the finishing process, since we'll be doing it at the same time.

I do believe he loves me, and that he wants to be with me, but I also see how stressed he is and the 12 + hour days he puts in when he doesn't feel obligated to spend time with me. So I am sympathetic to his feelings, I respect the effort he has put in to trying to be with me and the kind way he went about telling me he couldn't deal with both.

What I'm trying to work out is whether there can be such thing as bad timing. You'd have to admit between my father dying and us both finishing PhDs, the timing is bad! Has anyone had experience of putting something on hold in order to get through a stressful time? I can't see what we will stop spending time together, but I don't know if it's possible for us to try to be friends for the next 6 months then perhaps see if a relationship will work.

Sorry for the long post, I always ramble on... :)

Hi Pylo - welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time you have come through, well done for managing to carry on with your research so well.

From what you've said about your (ex?) boyfriend, he sounds like a lovely guy who really cares about the relationship he has with you, I think that if he wanted to break up properly rather than have a short break from the relationship (what it sounds like to me), then you wouldn't still be friends with him. I think it's really difficult to stay friends with an ex when there is no possibility of a reconciliation - genrally that doesn't happen unless you are going to get back together at some point.

I think that there is such thing as bad timing, however that is dependant on how it is dealt with. It sounds as if he has tried to overcome the issue but can't manage to finish his PhD as well as be in a relationship, I don't think it was an easy decision for him to make which shows how much he cares about you. I have been in a similar position with a guy I was seeing but then we didn't stay friends and I met someone else quite quickly, despite not really getting over him. As we live in the same area we see each other around occasionally but we aren't going to get back together as we are both in new relationships now. This was nearly four months ago. However I think that the relationship you have with your boyfriend is much stronger than the relationship that I was in, I think that if you can stay friends with him (and it sounds like you can/are), then there is real potential for a second relationship to happen and work. Hopefully this will make you stronger as a couple in the future.

I think the best thing for you to do now is to put the idea of getting back together out of your mind, don't force it, and just be there for him as a friend when he needs the support. And don't be afraid to ask him for support sometimes as well, he's clearly a supportive person. Just enjoy the friendship and see what happens.

Hope that makes sense and has helped, good luck, Nx

PyloPhD - I don't want to sound negative. I'd say stay single til you hand in.

the phd process is very stressful!!!!!!!!!! someone once advised me that if you start married stay married. it is not the time for a divorce! if you start single, stay single! it is not the time for major emotional changes in your life.

Despite being advised I have dated 3 (or 4 - don't know what to call one of them!) guys during my phd!!! the first ended because I couldn't cope with my work and a guy in my life. my thesis was going really badly at the time and i needed all the space i could in my life to sort it out. no. 2 was intimidated by the time i spent on my phd and demanded i spend a lot of time with him which i couldn't given i was at the peak of figuring out the argment of my thesis. eventually, he just faded away from my life. no.3 was also intimidated by my phd as was the case with no.4. however, no.4 turned out to be busier than myself - which i interpreted as being an excuse to break up - and wasn't giving me the support i needed during writing up ( i needed A LOT of support!). he said he couldn't meet my expectations! what i can say is... if you can, avoid relationships. i think a phd student who is writing up - which you both are - really needs a lot of support and understanding. in this case, you may both be drained and unable to support each other as bf/gf and therefore a friendship may work better.

one thing i have learnt is that a person is not really themselves whilst they are enrolled on a phd. they are under very high stress and unless the other person is willing to make a sacrifice and accept this person with their unusual levels of stress then the relationship won't work. needless to stay stress is not helpful in the early months of any relationship!

all the best and sorry to hear about your dad.

J.

I think that is very good advise - get the idea of getting back togther out of your mind - you'll be less stressed no matter what happens after.