Hi All,

Sorry to start off on a negative note - I realise this has been mentioned before I'm hoping just venting in this way will help! To cut a long story short, since moving away to start my PhD a year and a half ago, I've made little progress in making friends, despite trying all the usual things (classes, socialising with department colleagues, gym, etc.) and despite being a sociable person before the PhD. My coping mechanism was to work most weekends (when my partner works so I wouldn't be too lonely) as well all during the week. I guess a over a year of this has now meant that I feel pretty burnt out and have now decided to start giving myself more time off at the weekends. The problem is that I can't seem to shake this lonely feeling and at times I feel quite down about it. I just wondered if anyone has been through anything like this and has gotten through it.

I have no plans to quit my PhD but feeling like this affects my motivation in general and I don't want my work to suffer, as I'm really hoping to get this out of the way and move on with my life as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it! x

Hello I dont want to sound like JP Sartre but if there is something that you can not change then you can try to accept it as a kind of FACT and try to change your attitude to that fact.

That sounds so abstract. I 'd better give an example. When I did my first PhD back in 2003 or thereabouts I used to find myself awake at 0330 hrs working on something no-one else in Europe gave a damn about. It started to get me down. The isolation. The over=specialism. The feeling of being lost in the desert of your own neurological perversities. Then I turned a corner by thinking of all the same things in terms of UNIQUENESS rather than privation and lack. I don't know what you are studying, but it might help to say a kind of secular academic prayer when you get lonesome about it:

'I alone among the living can do this. If I do not do it, it will remain undone forever.'

I dont know if it will help you , but it worked for me as a mantra.

It doesn't stop the lonliness, but it transforms it into a more positive fact. You are a unique lever in the machinery of human knowledge. If everyone were doing what you were doing, it wouldn't be a PhD.

I wish I could help more, but that's about it. Creativity is a lonesome path, but I still wish you happy trails.

Mark.

What helps me a lot is to volunteer, for example in one of those University societies. The "work" I am doing is fun and I am around people after a long PhD day.

I hope things are getting better for you :)

It *is* hard work making new friends. I moved to a city where I knew no-one for my PhD. Two things helped - one was that I ended up with a nice flatmate, and the other was that I started at the same time as another PhD student who was also new to the city, so we kind of clung on to each other. But it was a good 18 months before I felt I had a cohesive social circle. Another friend who uprooted herself to the other end of the country for a relationship said it took a similar amount of time.

All I would say is keep trying with the activities. I tried a few before I found ones that became sources of friends rather than simply ways to pass time. Not all activities are conducive to fostering friendships e.g. a dance class or a walking club is more likely to yield friendships than going to the gym. Also, be brave and do the inviting rather than waiting to be invited (if indeed you're not doing it already). If someone says no to coffee, then don't take it personally - they might genuinely be busy. Just keep plugging away with a variety of activities and people. Things can change quite quickly when you click with the right friend(s).

Also, try to find healthy ways of enjoying alone time. Even with good friends, there will be times when you have to be by yourself, and the PhD process is kind of isolating, so you have to be at peace with your own company. Try to actively use and enjoy the times when you are by yourself, rather than hiding in a pile of work. Personally I actually prefer going to the cinema and galleries etc by myself, and saving other activities for social interaction!

You could also see loneliness as a positive. Yes I kno, clutching at straws eh! but since I had my two children I have been very 'alone' as socialising and friends are long distant memories. However, it means I have few distractions from writing and can get huge ammounts done. It doesn't mean I don't have down days, I have some very down days when I think, how did I get to this age and end up friendless and how stupid it would sound if I said to others, oh I have no friends? Uni usually has all sorts of groups and your student union should be able to put you in touch with like minded people and also like volunteers or, like pp said, can you invite people to join you in things like creating your own study group or book club or similar? The dreaded facebook can actually help. I am now in contact with a lot of mummies online and we've created a ' private group' and are now starting to arrange days out and other types of support and buy and sell pages etc etc. It's a bit like this forum only you really get to know the other members and meet up. I've not seen any Phd support facebook pages as yet but I'm sure they must be out there. :-)

Hi,

Thank you so much for the very kind replies - it's a real comfort to know that other people understand and have had these kinds of feelings before (although I wouldn't wish them on anyone!). Things got a little worse since I posted this thread and I have been genuinely considering leaving my PhD, although this feeling seems to change by the hour! A big part of me feels like I could get a job and make friends at work in a (hopefully) nicer environment than the one I'm working in at the moment, and just feel happier that way in general.

I do really appreciate the advice given here though, and I will definitely follow your advice Hazyjane regarding classes and activities. I've found a few I haven't tried yet so will give those a shot over the next couple of weeks. I also agree that maybe changing my mindset would help although it can be hard. I've always enjoyed my own company and never felt I need to rely on other people to be happy, but this whole process seems to have knocked my confidence a little and I find that being alone seems to upset me whereas before the PhD I would have enjoyed the time to myself. I think I need to remember that this isn't forever, and if I grit my teeth and stick at the PhD it will only be a means to an end. I just can't help but feel like I'm wasting my twenties when I should be enjoying life and instead I'm struggling through a project in a city where I have hardly anyone. Anyway, apologies for sounding sorry for myself! I just needed to get this written down somewhere.

Thanks again for reading and posting, it's much appreciated! x

Hi anxious. Maybe now is the time to go see your Dr incase your feelings are more related to mild depression? The saying 'a change is as good as a rest' isn't always true and everyone knows the grass isn't always greener. There is no saying you won't also feel like this in a job and people lead such busy lives there is no saying you would make better/more friends as work than you could at uni, sometimes it's more difficult as who you work with is usually more diverse than uni, in that you might find yourself working with people who aren't in your age braket and want different things from life. I can honestly say work has erroded my social life further lol. I've worked for the same employer for 10 years and no one socialises with each other outside the workplace. Whilst PhD is also very demanding work can be equally and even more so. Changing your situation doesn't always lead to self change and you might take these issues with you. I'm not saying it's all doom an gloom if you leave, leaving might be your best option but just don't expect that change in your circumstances will necessarily change you. Can you not go on an extended holiday or suspension of study for a short while to see if you do actually feel better without the PhD? xxx

Hi wowzers, thanks for your post. I think I'll take your advice and go see my GP or a counsellor at uni, I'm starting to think maybe I have some symptoms of anxiety rather than depression (I now feel silly about my username! I didn't feel this bad when I signed up to the forum lol). However, I worry about the stigma attached to this. I don't mean that to sound like I think there is shame in having a problem with depression/anxiety because I really don't. There's a lot of depression in my family and I think if anything I was hoping I would never have a problem like this because up until now I'd never struggled with anything like that.

Regarding an entended holiday or suspension of study, I don't think this is really an option at the moment because I'm trying to get data for a paper with a looming deadline. As it is I feel like my supervisor and department think I'm rubbish because all of my data has been negative so far and I've had problems with my assays. I'd give anything for a break though, so once this deadline is over with I'll definitely take a week or so off to rest. I think you're right about a change not necessarily being a good idea, I think wherever I go now I'll feel like this until it gets sorted (I was probably kidding myself a bit before now).

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to post. This is a really great forum for advice, and I really appreciate it because there's very few people I could actually speak to in person about all of this! Xx

It'll be good for you to talk to someone and to have that break after your data. You know what you are feeling is totally normal for the situation and you're young, there's still loads of time to be off out enjoying yourself ;-p says an old bird whose way past her 20's and hopes there's lots more enjoyment time to come :-)

Hi, first of all I want to say that you sound lovely! :) the Phd is a strange beast and i think everyone on here could probably relate to how you're feeling. It is by nature quite an isolating experience but it is finite. It will end! A guy I knew who moved away used meetup.com to meet new friends during his Phd and this established a solid social group for him with regular cinema outings ect. Might be worth a try! Good luck!

Thanks zipidee :) I've never heard of meetup.com but I'll definitely give it a try - it would be nice to meet people outside of a uni/PhD environment for a bit of perspective! And I will keep remembering what you said about this being finite. My boyfriend keeps telling me the same thing and I think remembering this will be a massive help! I'm feeling better already just from having so many nice comments on here and from taking the weekend off to relax. Hopefully things will now continue to look up...

Thanks again for all the advice, it's really boosted my spirits! :) xx

It is so lonely you try to assault any one you can find with a conversation, worst part you don't have much to say or you cant completely relate to that person. Its a hectic transitional period. I guess this a universal phenomenon because I'm in South Africa and experiencing the same thing.