======= Date Modified 19 Jun 2011 22:16:31 =======
Sorry I've posted this in the wrong place!!


I'm a New Zealander who currently lives and studies in France. I've been living here for almost 4 years and my time in France has been a giant struggle! I'm doing a PhD and it has not been wonderful. I've spent many months in tears and many more months wondering what the hell I'm doing here. I've seen people for my mental health and spent 3 months during the summer of 2009 on medical leave.

I've been harassed at the university by my supervisor, so much so, that I've questioned my intelligence and been made to feel so small, stupid and that I don't count. I've had things said about me to colleagues working in the same field and I've almost given up on my field of study because of this PhD. I'm filled with anxiety, dread, and I hide in the hallways trying to avoid my supervisor. I've been made to feel so stupid, incompetent, inferior, worthless... And I know its not all his fault. Once the problems arose I probably reacted badly to him. But I'd never been called stupid before, never had I had someone correct my work and write "this is terrible! are you stupid? this is work a child could do?!" "Why don't you work harder? Why do you cry a lot? You can't visit your family in NZ! You must work all summer. I haven't seen you in the lab today, are you here? are you working?" I guess I was always encouraged and when something was wrong they usually said "well, this isn't correct, but have you tried this? or looked at this paper?" Not "NO?!!" The negative comments, attitude etc. just made me feel worse and less interested in doing my work.

I feel like I don't have anyone I can trust in a position of power at uni. Everyone knows what the supervisor is like, yet I've been in this situation for 4 years. I have a terrible PhD because I've had to work out everything myself. I've spent too much time trying to figure out how to do stuff because my supervisor doesn't know how to do anything himself... yet I'm made to look like the useless student who is late and doesn't do any work.

I'm supposed to finish within the next month but I don't feel that I have it in me. I'm just lost and don't know what to do any more.

======= Date Modified 21 Jun 2011 11:24:56 =======
======= Date Modified 21 Jun 2011 11:22:14 =======
Neozelandaise-you need to talk to someone. Really talk physically to someone you know on the phone or through skype, if you can't do it in person and discuss all of this. Do your family know what you are going through-is there someone in your family, like a sibling, parent or aunt, etc who you can just discuss all of this with.

Or perhaps one of your friends (either from NZ or friends you currently have in your university).

Don't think to yourself right at this minute 'I have no friends here'- your current state of mind suggests that this bullying that you have been experiencing has undermined your confidence completely and perhaps has left you feeling really isolated and alone. So your thoughts on whether you have friends in France or not, might be distorted by how you are feeling and not an accurate representation of how things really are at present.

I am hoping that you receive much advice and support from people on this forum who have been through similar situations (perhaps not in France though) but I can't stress enough that while this support can be fantastic and can start you off on the upward climb again- I really think that you need to talk about this to someone who cares about you and who can listen and help you work out what your next steps are-or just help you frame up where you are at present.

Thank you so much for your reply. My family does know whats going on, along with my boyfriend. But I don't think anyone realises the long-term psychological effects this PhD has had on me. My parents have been kind enough to say they'll support me financially for the next month so I can finish the PhD without getting work. I've not received any money since September and spent all my savings, and also reached the maximum emergency financial help from the university.

I think my friends here in France are sick of hearing me whining and just say "get on with it, you can do it etc." There have been so many students who started after me finish and people in the department are constantly asking me when I'll finish. You are right, my confidence has been undermined completely. I have absolutely no confidence in myself and in my work. I just received a revised chapter from my supervisor that is COVERED in writing and saying things like "I would've expected you to do this better", "you should have done this" - it doesn't help to have these comments in the 13th hour. He should have said what was expected 3 years ago.

The thing is that I made an excellent digital model which showed so much detail in one area, he said I would have expected a better detailed model of the whole region (I spent 2 years making it). The reason there is so much detail in the one area is because I spent 4 months GPSing it! The rest of the region I had to use whatever publically available data which is of lower resolution. He did buy some data but I told him he wouldn't work before he got it because it wasn't a good pair (you need two satellite images). He then said in the corrections, why didn't you use the data I bought.

After reading the corrections I burst into tears, went home and watched a movie and drank wine. It just seems that every time I give him something that it comes back covered in pen with a HUGE number of corrections... yet he keeps asking me where all my chapters are. I spent ages working on chapters because I have no confidence in what I am doing! And then when I think it is good enough it comes back with "this is wrong" "why did you do this" "you should have done this". I also have to write a report for the people who gave me money and he constantly reminds me of this, threatening legal action on their part against me because I've broken the contract... but how am I supposed to do this too? I can't do ten million things at once. And then he sent me an email on Thursday asking for a copy of report that has nothing to do with my PhD, I didn't send it, he then emailed again on Friday. I replied to search on google because I didn't have it.

What really gets to me is that he constantly puts down my work, and is giving away my subject to other students to do! He has also taken my draft article, added to it and put me as the 3rd author! He gave away my digital model to another student for him to do some modelling on, the exact same modelling I've done in my PhD!! And when I tell the head of the PhD students, my supervisor just weasels his way out and I get told just to get on with my work. GRRRR!!

Anyway, I'm leaving France on Thursday and I hope a change in environment will help me out.

Hi Neo,
sorry about delay in reply. I have fulltime job as well and sometimes it takes a while to get the time to go on the forum. Your supervisor sounds like a right p*&8k! It sounds good though that you are getting out of France for a while so maybe you can write up in peace without the supervisor from hell breathing down your neck. Hope things get better once you are out of range and can get a sense of perspective. Take care and hang in there(up)(gift)