Hi all,

This is my first post here (I only joined a couple of days ago), though I have been nosing through others posts for quite some time now. I don't want to give too much detail about my current situation in case any PhD student who actually knows me visits this site and realises who I am (I'm a private person). For that reason, I may well end up having this post deleted in a few weeks time, once I have hopefully had a few replies to it.

I am currently five months into my PhD (I started at an unusual time, in January). I started the programme as a full time self funded student, which I found difficult for various reasons. There were the obvious worries about money and I have had to work part time. Although I actually really like my part time job it can be hard to juggle work and study. I also found that people can be very snobbish about self funding and never really felt like I quite 'fitted in' as most other students had funding. It also made me worried about my actual ability to complete the PhD, as, unlike most other students who have had their funding body tell them they 'believed in them' I'd never had this. Anyway, in April, I managed to secure funding for the rest of my PhD (tuition fees paid and annual stipend). It felt amazing and like maybe I could 'do it' after all and all I needed was a bit more confidence in my ability.

However... there have been various issues with my research progress. Admittedly, not all of these have been my fault. However, I have a hidden disability and also have some anxiety issues (e.g. agoraphobia a little bit) and worries that I've had pretty much my whole life but I don't like to speak about them. I really struggled at school and now I am at Uni I am just in awe of everyone and everything here. I had a supervisor meeting a few months ago where I got the impression she was concerned with my overall progress. This scared me because at the beginning when I was worried I wasn't doing enough she'd always say I was doing fine so I thought maybe I was okay. And then, just two months ago, when I managed to get funding she seemed thrilled. I just couldn't face telling her about my 'issues' in person so sent her a really long email about them and even said that I had been considering quitting my PhD. She sent me back a really nice email, including that she'd thought at times I hadn't understood some of the methodological or theoretical issues of the research, which are fundamental in formulating a successful PhD program. We are now meeting weekly and I've told her I want to continue with my PhD. She's really lovely and I know she likes me as a person (and I like her as a person) but I feel like she's giving up on my now she knows the truth about my difficulties and she doesn't think I'm capable of doing this and secretly wants me to leave before my funding starts. At our last meeting, I asked her if she thought I'd be be able to get through to the second year of my PhD or if they might have

sorry, see my previous message, I'd reached the limit on the word count!

Continuing my previous post ...

to track my progress or something and she just said 'to be honest, I don't know in your case'. I asked if she'd comment on my progress that I'd been behind and she said she'd say she's been concerned this term but that I've had some issues I've disclosed to her. That's only fair, I suppose, she'd be lying if she didn't say that.

I'm really glad she was truthful about that and if the PhD 'isn't for me' then I'd rather they said now than three/four years down the line when it comes to my viva! But I'm torn as to whether I am capable of this and just need to get a move on with this or if, because of my hidden disabilities I'm just not going to be able to do it. In fact, it could even be the case that the hidden disabilities are irrelevant and, like most people, I'm just not capable of doing a PhD. How can you be fully sure that you're capable??? So now, part of me feels happy to be doing something I am overall enjoying within an environment I like but part of me feels worried. I have a big feeling that I've let not only myself and my family down but also my supervisor as well by getting behind with things... I don't want to put strain on her or be a burden and none of her other PhD students seem to need this support. I reckon I work 60+ hours a week on my PhD, sometimes spending 12 hours a day in the office but I'm still slower than other people.

Does anyone have any advice/suggestions/comments. Thanks in advance.

Hi Anon, I really want to say very strongly that if you have been accepted and have now been awarded the stipend, funding, etc-then you are most certainly capable of achieving a PhD. We would all know of truly brilliant people who have completed PhD's but many of us are what you would call just ordinarily intelligent, certainly not genius's or even brilliant-we are just bright, committed and (if we are not already) we learn on route to be organised and disciplined and persistent. And basically that is how people get PhD's. And by learning to follow all of the processes that make them disciplined and methodical researchers and writers.

I'm sorry that disclosing to your superviser has left you a little more anxious rather than less so but there would be many people here who have a variety of difficulties and barriers and this does not stop them from completing and passing unless they have decided (usually for really good reasons) that the PhD is not for them-either not for them at this point in time, or not for them because they have found that really they value and wish to do other things and not the PhD.

Things like methodologies and theory can be really hard. And slippery to grasp initially but that doesn't stop people from ploughing on and getting to understand them. It is a bit like exercise-it can be really hard when you first start something like running or some other sport but with lots of practice and learning you get much better over time. The same with the PhD-you do get better at understanding these things. But none of us want to look as if we don't belong, so we put on a mask of confidence to get us through.

I sat through one of my early supervisor/student meetings and just blanked at points-I thought I knew what was going on with my topic but it was really general and when she started honing in on specific things and wanting them unpacked to a lot of detail, I just wasn't there yet. But a couple of months later, I am more there than I was. And she isn't there either Ive realised, but she knew what questions and information needed to be there and was checking that I was looking at this. Then I don't always take the best notes at meetings so I have to go away and immediately write up a summary in the cafeteria so I remember all of the important stuff before it goes into a vague fog! We probably all have stories and anxieties but that is part of the test of the PhD as well. Please don't think that you can't cut it! Of course you can but it is hard work and does take persistence and lots of effort.

I know that I have read many posts by students on this forum who have learning barriers such as dyslexia, or other health issues that really can make things difficult at times for them, and many of them have completed their PhD with flying colours. You can too!(robin)

Hi Anon,

I don't think you should delete the post as old posts are sometimes useful for new people. it is a bit like a "library" of experiences. Students without funding are not worse, sometimes it is pure luck whether you will get it.

Moreover, everyone has difficulties. I have dyslexia, and I don't think of it as a "disability". Sure, some things are harder for me than others, and I may take longer to perform certain tasks, however, it is just a matter of different way to process information. In certain areas I have advantage compared to non-dyslexic individuals.

So far, my PhD has been a matter of being willing to work hard on certain tasks rather than being a genius.

Good luck. PhD is not a Nobel Prize, it is some research in a specific area done over a period of 3 years.

Thank you both so much for your replies, they are much appreciated :-) I've definitely decided to stay on and do the PhD as this is what I want. I am fully prepared to put the effort in, it's just I feel like I hardly have any time for anything else - I frequently work seven days a week and sometimes work eleven hour days. Is this normal for a first year student? Even though they don't seem to work as hard as I do, I still don't feel like I've made as much progress as the other first years (and obviously I'm right because my supervisor is concerned too). Part of me is happy because I love this Uni, I've made some good friends, I'm interested in my research. But part of me feels worried that I don't know enough about my subject area and, despite working so hard, I'm not 'getting anywhere'. I know they gave me the funding, thus obviously think I'm capable but people have made mistakes about my capabilities before. I would feel so guilty if I drop out after my funding kicks in (or cannot submit a thesis that is good enough) and some other potential candidate loses that money. Plus I'd feel like I'd let people down. That being said, having made the decision to stay I need to stick to that now, rather than spending the next 3/4 years worrying about whether I should stay or go because that won't do me any good... Thanks again for your replies.

Hi Anon,

If there's anything I can impart after successfully completing my PhD, then it's not being too hard on yourself throughout the process... It sounds like if you're working 11 hours days, that you're really putting the effort in. I was in a similar position, where I was working hard, but just didn't feel like I believed in myself at all. I had a stipend, but I always felt that they would somehow "find me out" and then would know I wasn't any good! But now, I've had my viva, passed with minor corrections and all is fine! So, trust your instincts, try not to worry too much and work hard, and if it's all getting too annoying/stressful/etc. then I have always found coming on here a great place to discuss and explore your feelings.

Good luck and keep us posted :-)

Annie x

Thanks so much for all your helpful comments, it means so much and is really appreciated. I actually had a really good meeting with my supervisor a few days ago, who said she's really happy with the progress that I have made so far. I just think I should really stick at this, like you've said, they've given me funding thus they find me capable. Yes, it may be difficult at times but PhD's aren't designed to be easy! It can also be intellectually stimulating, rewarding when things go 'right' and a good challenge!