======= Date Modified 27 Sep 2012 15:30:24 =======
Hi everyone

I am currently doing a science PhD and have a year left in the lab and a year to write up after that. I am still living at home with with family as I have done through undergraduate, and at times it can be stressful with juggling family life whilst trying to study at home etc. Now I have a certain amount of responisiblites at home (e.g. looking after parents who are getting old and the pet) but this last year has been a bigger struggle which is mainly due to my sister and her essentially making me now contemplate whether I should stay at home with my parents (and her) to finish my PhD OR if I should just get married to my long term partner so I can move out of there and maybe complete my PhD better being away from her.

To try and sum up what she is like, the words spoilt, bad tempered, arguementative, selfish etc are a few that come to mind. The arguements with her are just to much and being under so much stress with the PhD, I am starting to wonder why I am putting myself through it? Me and my partner have spoken about marriage plenty of times but will I be stupid to think I can plan my wedding, enjoy it and not let it interfere with my PhD to much? I don't want to rush into getting married to get away from her and then still end up with something disrupting my PhD. Should I just stay at home, deal with her issues and wait to get married afterwards? None of my family understand what a PhD involves, why my experiments run on a weekend etc and I feel they will all make writting up very difficult because I am already struggling. I don't want to move out, I would rather get married and then move out - but I feel like this is almost casting a shadow over getting married as if it's a way to escape family when we have wanted to get married for the past few years but thought we should wait until we both finished studying first.

Haven't been able to focus on my work all day so thought if I get this out atleast, it might let my mind focus and hopefully get some advice from other students who know what it's like to be doing a PhD, none of my friends are and so their advice (which I appreciate) doesn't always seem possible or the right thing to do.

Thanks for reading

======= Date Modified 27 Sep 2012 16:27:12 =======
Organising a wedding at the moment given the pressure you're under it sounds might add more pressure. You'll want the day to feel special and going through the wedding under those circumstances, it won't feel so. It will probably be better to leave the wedding until the PhD is over with if possible.

If you really need to be out of there, would cohabiting with your partner be so bad? Is your partner understanding of the pressures of a PhD? That is an option.

If you really feel strongly you want to wait until you get married before you move in with your partner, are you able to afford a flat by yourself? At least that way, you'll have spcae to concentrate on your PhD work and you'll be able to put space between you, your partner, your family and your PhD.


Will your parents be okay if you move out?


Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

I got married during my PhD, and know several others who have done so successfully. When I started my PhD, I firmly promised myself that it would not take over my life, and anything I wanted to do in terms of my personal life would be done.

I'm actually further ahead than my friends who began their PhDs at the same time, as I found planning my wedding actually motivated me to get the work done. So I disagree with people who say to leave getting married, or other personal events such as babies etc, until after your PhD, as there is never a 'right time' to do those things. All jobs are stressful, and if you are wanting to go into the world of academia then that it more stressful that just doing a PhD!

However it shouldn't be about just getting married to get away from your sister, could you just co-habit with your boyfriend for the time being?

Hi, thank you for your advice

Unfortunately moving in with partner before getting married won't be something my parents will be happy with as they are fairly traditional minded. I was angry this situation with my sister cropped up now as we had been planning to get married in the near future before it all happened, we just didn't know when exactly. My partner is quite understanding about it now he understands more about what it involves, he's always helping me with my presentations and is very interested in my work generally which is nice. One of the main reasons we were thinking to get married during the PhD is because we both want to move abroad to work and I would love to post-doc abroad, so we figured by getting married during the PhD, we can make that move fairly quick after I submit and pass my viva.

"When I started my PhD, I firmly promised myself that it would not take over my life, and anything I wanted to do in terms of my personal life would be done."
It so nice to hear this from someone else, because I was intially scared when I begun my PhD as it didn't get off to a good start, that I would end up putting my life on hold and pushing the wedding right back til after it was done, but I guess I just need to make sure I go about it the right way and it should be fine. Luckily we both want a simple wedding so that should make it easier. And maybe by the time the big day comes around things are in a better place.

Thank you both again for your help
:-)

We got married last year whilst I was in the first year of my PhD.

As other posters have said, there is no reason whatsoever why you can't arrange a wedding whilst doing a PhD. I treat my PhD like a 9-5 job and have a normal (!) social life outside of those times. Whilst the PhD is very, very important to me, there's no way that I would allow it to significantly restrict other areas of my life (such as getting married).

If you wanted a massive wedding which would require lots of organising then yes, this might pose a problem. We had a fairly small wedding (50 to day, 80 to night) and in reality I didn't have to do a massive amount of organising. I also really enjoyed it and it provided a nice distraction from the PhD - not in a bad way, in a good way - not allowing the PhD to take over my life which I think many students in the same boat are susceptible to.

A PhD does not have to take over everything in life! As long as you put the hours in during normal working hours then there's absolutely no reason why you can't live the same life that any average working person has.

Please come back and let us know what you decide :-) (up)