I am going through a real strange patch--I think that dark night of the soul describes it best--where I am really really really questioning what on earth I am doing, whether I have the motivation and desire to carry on, and if so, WHOSE motivation and WHOSE desire--mine or someone else'? I have moments of feeling extremely emotionally fragile, moments of feeling engaged and inspired in the work...etc..I know those are all part of the whole PhD process, but for me, these are taking on a particular intensity.

The only way I seem to be carrying on at the moment is to have given myself complete permission to QUIT. I do not have to do this. I can leave it any time I want. I owe no one an explanation of why I do leave it if I do. I only owe myself. That, if I want, I can get on a plane today and just leave. ( well perhaps not in the same day, but within a few days). I am hideously and horrible homesick in a way I would never have imagined. That said, if I went home, would I want to be back here doing the PhD? What is hard is feeling torn between the two--I want to be home, and I want to do the PhD and I cannot have both at once.

While perhaps I can have "my brilliant career" is it really what I want? Being in a day to day atmosphere of a university has taken a lot of mystique off post PhD life--I am not disillusioned or dissapointed by anything, yes, I can see myself in that role, but...DO I WANT IT? do I want an endless round of teaching, marking papers, giving papers at conferences, trying to publish things....and I don't know! To some extent, its a sterile environment--the real world with all its ugliness and beauty does not come knocking that often.

It seems sort of artificial and in a way really meaningless. Like, taking in each other's washing.

In my existential crisis--I am not sure its what I want. I am trying to resolve this without any knee jerk decisions, one of which would be to say I have to carry on since I am on this point, and the other which would be to say I will leave since I have no clear sense I want to stay.

Homesickness doesn't vanish; especially when the prospect of not returning home soon is not available. Keep with it (not least of all because I have yet to actually try a trout recipe ). As to your "brilliant career"; is that REALLY why you did a PhD? Or was it you were curious and wanted to know more? The answer to that will justify why you are doing this.
How's your socialising? Do you meet people frequently? What are you doing extra-curricular and (most important) are you taking time for yourself? If all else fails, take a weekend break to Portsmouth and swim in the bracing Channel.

"do I want an endless round of teaching, marking papers, giving papers at conferences, trying to publish things...."

" It seems sort of artificial and in a way really meaningless. Like, taking in each other's washing."

These are EXACTLY my thoughts about the academic environment. It feels like these senior professors are trapped in this endless cricle and can't get out or they missed the right time to do so. I hope you make the right decision which is the best for you. My inner voice tells me these things you have described for years, so far I've chosen to ignore it. but who knows?

Thanks, Hypothesis for the reply. No, I am not doing enough meeting and mixing with other people, but its not for lack of trying!!!! I even now get to go along to some informal department meetings, which are good for chat and socialising, as well as doing business, a former flatmate from Bleak Towers and I keep up regular contact and get together every few weeks, I go along to anything I am invited on, I go to things such as local guided walks even if it means going along on my own, etc...but its not enough!

Being a mature mature student, I am neither fish nor foul...Going to nightclubs and partying the night away lost its allure a while ago, but I am neither a fully fledged member of staff--so where do I fit? ( alone in my office, listening to Youtube videos at the moment!)

I am listening to El Condor Pasa ( again) and just plugging into the lyrics mentally, why IS it I am listening to this song? Its the Paul Simon version--with the chorus, " Away, I would rather sail away, like a swan that's here and gone. A man gets tied up to the ground, he gives the world its saddest sound, its saddest sound."

Not sure what it means, exactly, but its how I think I feel!

Thanks as well Jouri for the reply, its nice to know I am not the only one with this chattering inner voice. In the end, I suspect I will carry this through, and then...I don't know. Working in a book store and having a small organic acreage with some organic sheep ( kept as pets and for their organic wool, not to eat) and a lot of dogs is what appeals to me! And writing novel.

there just seem to be so many layers of things to have to deal with in academia, and I know that is true of life, but it has sort of an empty feel to it. It ( at this moment looking ahead) does not seem very soul satisfying. Money is not a huge motivator for me, I need enough to live, and have the basics, but other than that, I am not that bothered.

Thanks as well Jouri for the reply, its nice to know I am not the only one with this chattering inner voice. In the end, I suspect I will carry this through, and then...I don't know. Working in a book store and having a small organic acreage with some organic sheep ( kept as pets and for their organic wool, not to eat) and a lot of dogs is what appeals to me! And writing novel.

there just seem to be so many layers of things to have to deal with in academia, and I know that is true of life, but it has sort of an empty feel to it. It ( at this moment looking ahead) does not seem very soul satisfying. Money is not a huge motivator for me, I need enough to live, and have the basics, but other than that, I am not that bothered.

Oh...should not be listening to this one--Simon and Garfunkel, Homeward Bound

OUCH!

"Tonight I'll sing the songs again, I'll play the game and pretend, but all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity, like emptiness in harmony, I need someone to comfort me, Homeward Bound, I wish I was, homeward bound, home, where my thoughts' escaping, home, where my music's playing..."

yes, that would about sum it up.

At the risk of sounding callous: going on a guided walk is not socialising. Sounds like you need a group of friends who can give you a good old fashioned, belly aching, laugh till you cry! That invariably cheers people up. I know you're in London, so if you want someone to meet up with let me know and we can sort something out. Only not too late, cos I have to be home in bed with my Horlicks before 10pm!

Oh Olivia I am feeling so much the same. My problem isn't homesickness but child-sickness. And I know what you mean about the academic work - it's such a treadmill and people go at it as if it really means something but actually it doesn't - it's just stuff that people do. Which is fine, if you like doing it - but I wonder if I can possibly compete and put enough into it. I just don't know if I want it badly enough - not when I have a young child at home.

I haven't given myself permission to quite - afterall - this is my second go! But being so unsure about what I will do afterwards is making it hard to feel really motivated to finish.

Got to agree with Hyp - that's not enough to socialise. I think you are in a tough place (London) at a tough age (our age!).

Thanks for the words of empathy, Smilodon! Oh, I agree, its not enough socialising--not nearly--and agreed too, Hypothesis, that a guided walk is not really socialising as such--but its just one of my attempts to do SOMETHING even when what I would prefer is not on. I try to find something to do besides sit and look at footnotes and articles! If you each want to check the PMs on the "other forum"--