hi everyone, sorry for the rather dismal post, but after spending yetanother night not able to get to sleep I thought I'd see if I couldjust do something about he problem. The thing is, ever since Ifinished my undergrad and started my PhD, particularly since mr.algaequeen moved away to finish his phd, I dont think Ive ever felt aslonely in my life and I just don,t know what to do about it any more. My friends are mostly all moved away and it's been hard making newfriends since, I've tried all the usual stuff, attending (andorganising) social events with people from the office, trying new danceclasses, gym classes etc but it's hard finding someone you really clickwith. Also doing the long distance relationship for the past year anda half has been awful and that situation wont be changing for the nextyear at least. It's come to the point where I'm on the verge ofchucking in the phd and just going to live with the mr but I know I'dregret it if I did. So just wondering if anyone else is in the sameposition or finding it as tough to get the hang of? thanks :)

Hi Algaequeen, so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not in quite the same boat as I live with my fiancé and near-ish my family, but I have found the transition to the solitary life of the PhD quite tough. I really miss everyone where I used to live (although I know that it's all changed there too) and the feeling of having friends around, especially since I live quite a way from my university and seldom see people there. Before this however I was doing the long-distance relationship thing and that was getting pretty bad so I'm glad I chose the PhD with him rather than staying at my previous university or going to the other possible institution for my subject which would have meant hardly ever seeing him. The nicest people I've met here have been friends of friends so might be worth finding out if you have any links through existing friends to new people in the area. I'm sorry I don't have any magic answers. I assume yours isn't something you can do from a distance so you're stuck with the tough decision between your relationship and your work and that's horrible. I hope you manage to resolve things.

Hi algaequeen,
Sorry too to hear you're feeling down. I live apart from my husband too, because of work, and it sucks big time. I moved universities between my bachelors and masters and really struggled to meet new friends as a postgrad just because there's none of the living in halls/subject parties etc like there was as an undergrad. I know how rubbish it can be to drag yourself along to a load of classes/socials etc just to have a 5 minute conversation about the weather. All I can suggest is:
- make the most of the friends you've got. Rely on phone calls if you can't see them face to face. I have a couple of friends who I speak to on a set day each week - gives me something to look forward to.
- tell people how lonely you are (i.e. friends, not random strangers :-) ) - I think as a phd student sometimes one can project an image of confidence and capability and people don't realise how difficult it can be. A friend of mine texted me recently asking if i felt like a chat and, in a trough of self-pity I texted back "yes please, I'm feeling really lonely and bored!" - he actually had no idea, and has made an effort to keep in touch since then which means a lot to me.
- stick at the socialising with people in the department. Maybe you could organise something like meeting for lunch one day a week? Even just sandwiches in the canteen. I've found that I've got used to being less sociable than I used to be, so long as I know there will be at least *some* contact with humankind during the day!

Don't know if any of this helps but you really have my sympathy!

Is there any way you can have writing breaks, where you live with hime for 2 weeks or so, but still keep working?

I have turned into a crazy cat woman and have 2 cats and a dog to keep me company all day. Although my cat always sits on the document I am trying to read so slightly annoying.

my hubby seems content with talking to other people online while playing call of duty 4 every night - there must be a female equivalent!

aww thanks for the help guys! I had a quick read earlier and it really cheered me up :)
I've decided that as this situation is the only one I am faced with then I'd be best to just suck it up and accept whatever comes, it's all a lesson right?! I'm a lab based project so I can't really take writing breaks although it's a great idea! I'll maybe see if I can go to the boyf when I'm writing up and finished in the lab although that's a few months away yet. Also the possibility that he might be in USA for a postdoc might make that a no-go! There is no choice between the relationship and the PhD, i know I'd regret it if I left and the boyf knows that too so he'll not let me leave! And I'll only be a million times more lonely without him so phone calls and msn it is! Thinking clearly after last night I know I have met some great people since starting my project and I've had some fantastic experiences so it's not all bad. I'm quite proud in my own way and don't like to let on to people when times are hard so I suppose I can't blame anyone for not realising, maybe I should be an actor instead?! ;-) But you're right heifer, I should maybe let people in on it a bit more so I'll try that. I'm just nervous cos I'm moving into a flat on my own for the first time ever and I'm not sure how I'll cope, but a mate told me today he'll be round loads and they'll all keep me company, I think he could see I wasn't 100% :)

thanks for the help, I'm considering getting a cat too now sneaks! :)

I totally know what you're going through. It's so hard to meet people after college.

Things that have worked for me:

1) Embrace your independence. Just changing your view of the situation can make all the difference. Think of yourself as "free" as opposed to "lonely". For the time being you can do whatever you want without any concern for anyone else. Enjoy all the foods the mr doesn't like. Spend all day lounging in bed on a Saturday if you want - when you're back with friends and family you won't have the luxury of time. Relish in doing everything you want to do now.

2) Pick up a hobby. In the same vein as 1, when you're back with friends and family you will have so many obligations that it will be hard to have any time to enrich yourself. So pick up some hobbies now. Learn how to cook new dishes, read all those books you haven't had time to read before now, or take up a sport. The endorphins of the sport can be a cure for loneliness in themselves!

3) Get a massage, an animal or a plant. Sometimes the body just needs contact with a living thing. It's especially nice to take care of something. I personally can't even keep my plants alive, but it's nice to come home each day and see how they're doing.

4) Get skype or some other free video call service. It's so nice to see the faces of those you love when you're feeling down.

5) Find tv/radio shows, movies or podcasts that you love. When I've been alone and lonely, I've found that just having the sound of nice voices in the background can do a lot. I subscribe to free podcasts that I'll listen to as I'm getting ready in the morning and all evening after I get back. It has the double benefit of teaching me something too!

6) Finally, just keep doing what you're doing to make friends. Make sure you're open minded about the people you meet. Even if someone isn't destined to be your best friend, it's nice to just have people to grab a cup of coffee or go to a movie with.

By the way, last week I wrote on similar topic on my blog: http://www.phddepression.com/2009/08/tip-5-get-social.html

Good luck!