hello everyone,

i've been away from the forum for a while. during this time i haven't done much work. i have had boyfriend troubles, on and off health issues which have meant that i can only work two weeks a month because the other two weeks am usually ill for some reason. i do not know if its the pressure.. when i should work i can hardly do a thing, when i don't i feel guilty. now my parents keep asking me when am submitting work to my supervisor and i keep saying two weeks from now and when i can't make that they just seem disappointed in me.

no one understands what am going through least of all my boyfriend who is sometimes supportive but most of the time i feel is more concerned about me being his girlfriend that about my welfare. i need to find a way to go on without expecting support from anyone - i need to shut myself away from people and their expectations to keep up with my writing up. my parents fund me to a great extent and it is understandable why they are disappointed in me. someone tell me what is should do.

jojo, i do sympathise with what you're going through right now though i may not be able to comprehend in full. I hope you are feeling better in health.
You will find out that not many people will understand what you're going through especially when you need them to.

As for your health hindering your submission, all i can say to all of your troubles is keep hoping and carry on no matter what. Talk to your boyfriend and share your feelings with him. If he still doesn't understand then, i think you should forget him and stop relying on him for support.

Hi Jojo
Please don't be so hard on yourself. It’s not all the time when things go as planned. I had surgery three weeks ago and I thought after two weeks I should be back on the roll, but it’s now three weeks that I have just started to feel my normal self again. I haven’t done much as you can imagine. Just when I thought I can now get back to my books, landlord announces sale of the house. The house is already sold (we knew it was coming though not as quick) so now instead of reading am now looking for a place to stay cause I have to be out in 5 weeks! And I can imagine it will take some weeks to find a place I like and settle. All am saying to you is that we are not always in control as much as we would like to be. I think you have to reflect on things .i.e. what made you unwell- was it something you could have avoided, if yes then take effective measures for the better.

As for your boyfriend I think you need to tell him how you feel and why, you need to be understood and being concerned about you is part of that. If he doesn’t get it you may need to reconsider the relationship. Talk to your parents and explain your set backs in the language they can understand. Am sure they understand. Once you have reflected and communicated I think you will feel better to return to your thesis once more. It’s important that you deal with these things which seem peripheral because they are actually not.
In hope.

jojo, so sorry to hear you're facing so many hurdles. I can relate to everything you said in your message. As far as partners is concerned, my boyfriend and I split up a few weeks ago because he refused to see just how much work is required for a PhD. He would moan if I was working in the evenings, and just didn't understand the pressure involved at all--same with my family. I'm starting to be more self-centred now in order to combat feelings of worthlessness where others in my life are concerned. I know it sounds harsh, but it's a requirement to get through the PhD I think. To get focused, we have to say to others: This is how it is. If you don't like it, stuff it

The reason I think it's actually a good thing to be selfish when you're working on the PhD, is that often the blocks we face during the PhD are to do with other people: their perception of what we do, guilt for working so intently on the PhD and neglecting relationships, feeling we have to impress our supervisors, feeling that we always have to justify ourselves. So this is why being selfish pays off, because you can tune all of that out, and focus.

hey jojo and others.. sorry to hear abt boyfriend helth stuff etc. relationships are vey hard to sustain while doing phd..i just recently split up wit mine cos of pressure of my work,no time for anyone else, i culdnt sustain any more expectations from other people on top of phd..ive just had to get selfish, don't have mental energy for anything else!

I have to agree with you bellaz. I'm starting to realise this now. When you're worried about other people, it completely drains your energy and leaves you feeling discouraged. Partners can either be one of two things: extremely supportive and therefore beneficial when it comes to dealing with the stresses of the PhD, or completely unsupportive and actually accentuate the stress!

I'm in my third year and only now am I realising that to survive doing a PhD you have to be selfish. You need to speak to your boyfriend and let him know that at this moment in time you have to think about yourself.

Sorry to hear you are going through all that. That is hard.

Can you have a heart to heart with your boyfriend ( they soooooo love those! ) about your relationship, the stresses and strains of the PhD, and what he can do to be there more for you! ( or at least not contribute to the stress?) Can he take you away for a weekend break some place? Is there someone you can talk to besides parent/boyfriend/supervisor about how you are feeling? What are the sorts of things that normally motivate you--how can you psych your self up for getting back on track? Sometimes I think its like starting a diet or a work out regime--you are NOT going to lose 10 pounds by eating a salad at lunch the first day, nor run a marathon the first time you set out to exercise. Same with a PhD and the work you are doing...it has to come in smaller bites.

I think that sometimes signficant other types become jealous of something that takes your time and attention up in the way a PhD does. Your boyfriend may be jealous of your PhD, but not even realize it, or think he is daft for feeling like that.

Can you try working half days or every other day on the PhD to coax yourself back into a productive routine?

With regard to having to be selfish, I agree with all previous statements. I found it out the hard way. But at the same time it makes me guilty and I feel I might have taken the wrong decision - if we end a relationsship because of the PhD pressures we actually value some stupid university course higher than the potential life together with one person. Which I found sad and not the right thing. Because, without the PHD pressure, perhaps we would have lived together forever and now I'll never find out. On the other hand, the PhD leaves no choice because it is like a marriage: it's just not possible to be married with two women at the same time and to give them both the same amount of time. So one of the two will have to go, which is a dilemma. And because that's happened to me, just one more reason to hate the PhD.

It is sad to hear of relationships ending over a PhD. But perhaps the relationship would not have withstood the stress and strain of life over the long term...if you look at it another way, life is full of ups and downs, and a relationship has to be able to take those ( a partner's illness or illness in the family, the list of what events might come up are endless...). If someone cares about you they have to stand by you in the bad times as well as the good. If they care about you, they will value what is important to you and not force you to choose! Relationships should be an area of growth, not shrinkage, for who you are as a person. Someone who is jealous and makes you pick them or a PhD does not have the important qualities of compromise and patience that a relationship needs over the long haul. Another way to look at it--better to find out now, than in five or ten years...