Why oh why do I do it to myself?! I have a friend who is very nice, a little full on and irritating at times but generally nice. I usually don't pass any remarks on the negative sides, as I know people are people and everyone's different and you accept your friends for who they are. However, this friend is also doing a PhD, in final year with 4.5 months left to submission like me. She has only ever worked during basic office hours, ie 8-4 monday to friday. She doesn't work weekends or holidays or anything. Which would all be fine except when I meet her she tries to make out like she's so busy with her phd and she does so much work, and it's all so difficult. This never used to bother me before but it's really starting to wind me up lately, so much so that I have been avoiding meeting up with her as it usually leaves me in bad form. Then I feel bad, and arrange to meet, which I did today.

It's a bank holiday, I'm working and I've worked all through Easter and most weekends since January, including 7.30-7/8pm most evenings during the week. Today was her 2nd day working when it wasn't a normal 'work day' and she did 4 hours and was saying how that's plenty and she's off the rest of the day. She works in a different place than me and has many advantages including getting her stats done for her and experiments run on her behalf, but still complains about how much work she has to do, when I and most other students I know don't get any of these benefits.

I don't actually feel really jealous about it, as I do enjoy my work and I do take time off, including the odd weekend when I'm with my boyfriend, but it just really annoys me that she won't appreciate what she's got and it's starting to make me feel resentful towards her.

Does anyone else ever get like this or am I just evil at heart?!

Your not in the slightest bit evil algae! You're working your arse off and then listening to someone droning on while doing half the hours you are, who wouldn't be annoyed? She probably goes on about it all the more because she's aware of how much more you do (methinks the lady... and all that).

You'll be far better prepped to succeed in the big wide world than her and you enjoy what you do, so don't worry. If it's really irritating then why not tell her you're establishing a total ban on shop talk during social hours, that way you don't have to endure her faux fatigue ;-)

Hey there! No you are not evil, I completely get this! It does seem that some people manage to get by putting in fewer hours than others- like you I am here on bank holidays, weekends, and have had no Easter holiday, work my evenings etc, whilst others get by doing 9-5 weekdays and that's it. And also like you, I don't actually mind because work isn't a chore to me. But it is frustrating when people complain about being so busy and you know that you're working a lot harder. I posted a while ago about my flatmate, who sounds very similar to your friend, and who I generally get on with well, but who annoys me sometimes by going on about how hard she's working and insinuating that I don't work as hard as her. I guess some projects are genuinely less time-consuming than others (there is a very definite pattern in our department whereby the clinical psych students seem to have to put in a lot more hours in than in other types of psych- in general, obviously there are exceptions) and there is also the fact that there is a lot of variation in what you can achieve during your PhD. Another girl on the same team as me works probably one third to a half of the hours that do, and that used to annoy me, but now I realise that she is not planning to write and publish papers, get teaching experience, go to conferences etc, and that is where a lot of the difference comes in. So it could well be that you are getting a lot more out of your PhD than your friend. And then of course there are always those lucky few who just work very quickly...and there's not much you can do about those! Just try not to get wound up about it- it's hard, and I often have to bite my tongue when my flatmate makes her comments, but quite frankly it's not worth having an argument about! Best, KB

Although I absolutely sympathise with your long working hours I think you also need to be fair to you friend. Her Mon-Fri 8-4 hours are still relatively long, and nor can you really know whether she thinks about and does PhD work outside of these hours. I think it is important to not fall into the trap of the "I do more hours than you" mentality. To other PhD's such an attitude can appear as needlessly competitive and to those that work outside academia, they only think PhD students sit around all day anyway.

So it might be better to not try and judge her so readily, since you aren't doing her PhD and so can't know at what points she works and does not work - or what there is left to be done. I certainly don't know the inner workings of my friends doctorates or what my paid working friends do in their office days between 8 and 18:30...

I know it can be annoying when others appear to be slacking - or actually do slack - but I think it is important to not compare too critically working hours of our peers. Unless of course she is catching zzzz's at her desk and reading heat magazine all day! ;)

Hi AQ

There's always people like this around - ones who work harder, are more stressed, are more important etc etc. I agree with the others - try not to talk shop talk. It can be really annoying having to put up with people like this, and I normally try and talk about other subjects. I have a friend who tries to compete with me all the time, to the point of considering herself an expert in my research area (mind you, she hasn't studied in this area at all), and I just don't engage in it.

If it's really getting to you, have a word with her to clear the air, otherwise your friendship could suffer. Maybe politely let her know that you also work hard, you both work hard, and it's not a competition...and then know that you have stamina, will be better equipped for when you get a professional position, and that deep down, are not so insecure that you need to brag about your work to make you feel worthwhile....

Hi AQ - no you are not a bad person at all, you are at an especially stressful time in your PhD and so things are bound to be getting to you more, besides she sounds nice but irritating! Like others have said, I would try to talk about other things when you are with her - sometimes people talk about work all of the time because they can't think of anything else to say, or they just like whingeing because they are boring; a social conversation shouldn't revolve around comparing working styles and progress in my opinion.

I am only at MSc level so not under the same stress as you, but I also have to work 20 hours a week to pay for my horse and living expenses. So I have quite a busy life, and have to work weekends/evenings to get everything done - I really don't mind doing that as I love my subject but I do get a bit irritated with a girl on my course, which is difficult because we are good friends as well. Her parents are quite well-off so they are funding her MSc and giving her an allowance so she doesn't have to work. She does work hard in the week, but she always seems to have wild partying weekends and goes out a few evenings in the week as well, then claims to be struggling with the workload. She often tells me that she feels bad for me and some of the other girls who have to work as well, but I just say that I wouldn't work if I didn't have to and that I am jealous, but in a nice way. I'd love to not have to work and to be able to devote all my work time to my studies, especially as my p/t job can be quite stressful, but I can't afford to; I don't think she has much reason to say that she is struggling to be honest, but then I would never say that to her face! Nxx

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it!
That's a good idea to avoid the shop talk, I think I'll definitely do that one! I totally get what you're saying too Chrisrolinski, but I know for a fact that when she's in work it's not all busy busy busy. She works in a civil service place, and take the half hour tea break at 10 and 3, and the half hour/1 hour break for lunch. I did a bit of work there myself and she's well into the civil service way of doing things.
I think part of why she's being like this is due to a mutual friend of ours. He had said to me he was concerned that she wasn't doing enough work to submit on time, and worried that if she didn't submit on time she'd take it quite badly. And it is very difficult to talk about these things with her, she's extremely defensive and can get quite nasty when she wants to. Anywhoo, he tried to have a word with her about it and tried explaining how much work him and myself and other students were doing but it just seems to have made her more defensive and more of a martyr about her work. But avoiding the shop talk will hopefully help, she's alright other than that!

Sounds a bit more like she's trying to convince herself that she is "busy busy busy" when she knows deep down she's not doing enough, and she's hoping you sympathise with her and agree. There's no point in you or your other friend pushing her about whether she's doing enough to submit - her response screams that she's not. I think she's pretty insecure and feeling over her head and perhaps sticking to office hours is an avoidance technique.

Her project isn't your responsibility though, it's hers, and if she doesn't complete then she needs to deal with whatever the consequences are. All you can do is be there for her at that point when it all comes crashing down, and in the meantime hope that I'm wrong and she does ok!

thanks Love Hz, I haven't mentioned anything about it to her as I have a feeling this is partly what is going on. Plus I don't want to get on the aforementioned nasty side of her, I can take her surely I just don't need the added hassle! She does make a show of things that people should be doing for her, I think because she's used to getting the help she wanted but now that she's still not bucking up and putting in the hours the people she works with are getting a bit fed up and not going out of their way to help her as much so she feels really hard done by!
But you're right, it's not my project, I can just try my best to be there for her if things go wrong although I'll have do a good job of biting my tongue!