OK I am now at the end of my tether and I need to vent before I go mad-der! I do not expect any replies to this post I just need to get things off my chest.
I am now coming to the end of my 5th year of my PhD. Throughout the 5 years I have been teaching part-time (8 hours a week which is hardly part-time) lecturing. At one stage I was teaching at 2 universities (3 hours apart) which was enjoyable but a drain on my time.
During my 3rd year my Dad passed away which really affected me and I ended up in counselling which didn't really help.
As far as the PhD is concerned I started it with such enthusiasm but due to the constant bickering and lack of constructive help of my 2 Supervisors I have felt so frustrated and alone. My main supervisor has not supervised before and her lack of experience has showed.
I have always been able to write quite easily but I am not sure what has happened to me I constantly feel like a failure and that I write like a year 1 undergraduate (no offense to year 1 undergraduates!).
Two years ago I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. The medication has helped a bit. I have also been to see a hypnotherapist which did achieve a temporary 'fix'.
I managed to move back to my home-town 4 months ago as I managed to get a part-time RA post. Even though I have lots of free time which I know would be a luxury for some of the people on this site, I just cannot seem to get into writing mode.
I have now been told I need to submit in December as they need my thesis for next year's RAE. This decision has come from the Head of School who is also my personal tutor. I have started to panic again, my anxiety is back and it just doesn't matter how many times my friends say 'you can do it' I feel that my confidence has been completely zapped.
I really don't want to fail as I don't want to let my family or friends down but I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I don't even have a completed chapter yet ....just bits and pieces that I have thrown together.
I am now being chased by my supervisor to write a chapter a month ......I can't even muster a sentence a day!

Deep down I want to just run away and give up as I need to put my health first .....I am VERY confused, upset and alone. My family don't understand as I am the only one to have achieved a degree ...so they don't get what pressure I am under. They just roll their eyes and say 'just write it'. Unfortunately I now hate my thesis and can't wait to see the back of it.

Apologies for the rant. Just needed to share.

======= Date Modified 09 Jul 2012 19:10:50 =======
Hello Kaci69,

I am sure that many other PhD students can recognize themselves in your post.

I understand your feelings about not wanting to let your family and friends down, and I also know that some comments might hurt. However, the PhD is not about them, but about you and what you really want.

Depression makes you feel like you have climbed the Kilimanjaro even if you have just made a little step, so you must learn to care about yourself and re-build your confidence in the first place. You have achieved so much already in spite of the odds! Take pride in what you have done!

It's easy to be successful when you have a lot of support. If you feel that you need more time/ help, could you consider taking a suspension of studies? Could you change supervisors? Is there anyone else in your field you could talk to? I also think that at this stage you need to assess what you have done and what you need to do, and have an open discussion with your supervisors if you want to go forward. If their demand for a chapter every month is unrealistic you need to let them know. Hiding from them won't change the situation.

I found the writing up process the most difficult - and I wrote all along. However, you need to start with a good plan: that is a table of contents. Literally write down the headings for your chapters, and go on with subheadings etc. Then write a short summary for each section, then you go on...

I have been back in my home country for a few months, and I have become awful at handling both languages. However, I hope that what I have written makes sense...

Good luck whatever you choose to do!

Thank you so much for your reply and for your suggestions. You are right I need to get myself into a better place rather than just
bury my head in the sand and hope this will all go away.
I have decided to write to my supervisors and explain to them that I am not able to meet my monthly deadlines and request a possible suspension.
I hope that this will ease my anxiety a bit and allow me to write at my own pace.

You have given me a lot to think about ....and it is very much appreciated!

Dear Kaci69,

I am glad if my words could be of some support, and your plan of action sounds very good to me.

Take care of yourself and do come back to visit the forum every time you feel like it. Even just reading other people's stories/ suggestions has been invaluable for me.

I am sure that you will find your way through this difficult time and achieve all your goals.

Best of Luck for everything,

C.

Hi Kaci69,

Some great advice from DrCorinne, and I agree that you should try and break your writing down into small, manageable chunks - that way the thesis doesn't seem so overwhelming. A well thought out plan is a really good start, which can be gradually expanded on and fleshed out bit by bit. Set yourself a little, achievable goal each day, such as 'draw figure 1' or 'write a plan for the structure of chapter 2' and things should start to get easier. Don't expect to be able to write massive amounts in one day - anything you manage to get down on paper is a step in the right direction so don't beat yourself up if you haven't written thousands of words every time you sit at your desk.
Just for balance, it is possible to write a thesis in 6 months so you could in theory meet your December deadline, but if you feel it isn't possible for you, then ask for that suspension. Your mental health is far more important, so if you need to take a bit longer then so be it. You won't be letting anyone down or 'failing' - doing a PhD is much harder than a lot of non-academic people realise, so be kind to yourself, take lots of breaks, and try not to feel too pressured as this can only be counter-productive.
Best of luck!!

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me and for your words of encouragement and support.
I think the common thread here is to try and write a bit per day. I seem to just think in Chapters and this has what's brought me to a halt.
It's all got a bit too overwhelming but being on this site has definitely helped. It has made me realise that I am not on my own! I wish I have discovered it 2 years ago!

Thanks.

======= Date Modified 10 Jul 2012 17:45:33 =======
Wow, I could have written the above thread as I can really relate to your thread!

I'm also approaching the end of my fifth year of my PhD, but I have weeks left before I resubmit my thesis following my viva last year.

I'm getting by setting myself little goals, taking little breaks (usually several power naps during the extensively long days of thesis writing!), playing motivational tunes during my breaks to ignite some motivation and concentrating on the benefits of my thesis and remembering the positive encouragement and support I received from my examiners last year. I have to keep people who make me feel bad about myself at arms length at the moment as I can't afford to let negativity affect my write up. I'm also mixing my write up stages, so some days I'm working on editing literature review chapters, whereas other days I'm editing my discussion chapters.

I think I'm over the worst of these thesis corrections, but I just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone.  My family similarly say things like 'just get on with it' and 'have you been working on your thesis today' (in my head- 'OF COURSE I HAVE'!!) and remember you need to reduce your thesis (in my head- what on earth do you think I've been doing all day!) or 'remember your deadline is approaching (in my head- 'you don't say. Really? thanks for pointing that out to me'). I know family and friends are just being supportive but I do want to scream sometimes!

All we can do is our best I guess and I think being realistic and recognising that we've come a long way (even though we might not realize it) may help with this process.

Time will tell if my examiners will accept my thesis corrections. All I can do is just ensure that I've covered each of their points and hope for the best.

Hang in there. You're not alone. Sending big hugs xx

Hi - Thanks for the reply and yes it is good to know that I am not alone in my frustration! It is just a case of sitting down and cracking on with it ...but I can relate to your 'I am doing my PhD in my head' ....I have written it all and it all makes sense in my head...but when I get to my keyboard I just go blank! :(
I had an email off my supervisor 2 days ago asking me to send her my latest chapter even if it was not finished. As I work on a Tuesday and Wednesday I planned on doing as much as I can today and then sending it off tonight. However, today I get another e-mail saying - I want the completed chapter by Monday! I don't know whether I am coming or going!
So I am going to stick to my main plan and send her what I can today then keep going over the weekend to finish it.

As far as you are concerned you appear to be nearly there - well done! Doing post viva corrections must be so boring and frustrating though! I wish you lots of luck in getting them done and finally putting the PhD to rest ...what a relief that will be!
Best wishes xx

======= Date Modified 03 Sep 2012 15:14:40 =======
============= Edited by a Moderator =============
Hi! Kaci, I can understand your problem very well PhD is most prestigious degree in any field and so the pressure is automatically concerned with this. This pressure can be understood by the only people who have already done PhD, so leave expectation from your parent to understand your pressure. Only thing that you can do is keep your moral high as much as possible. You have already given your 5 precious years to this degree now if you leave this it will be total waste nothing will worth of it.

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