Now that am unable to be productive thesis-wise thought I'd share an exotic experience i had yesterday. So, like i've said on my writing-up diary, i've been rather unwell. Given am also writing-up and my PhD experience has been a rollercoster i never want to take again, one of the decisions i made along the way was to seclude myself from humanity to concentrate on rescuing my PhD, as well as avoid relationships. Most of my 'friends' have either moved on or learnt to live with this state of affairs. So, yesterday am sat in my house when a friend shows up with a bag of groceries. Relations with this friend have been rather odd as he's showed an interest in me before but I've brushed him off because i'm not remotely attracted to him, but somehow we find ourselves in the same circles during weekends.

This guy, lets call him er.. Mr. Bucks ( since am having a starbucks right now!) starts the visit off by display all the stuff he's bought. I'm stunned and in my mind I calculate that to be about 30 pounds worth of groceries and offer to pay him off which he says no to. Being the broke phd student I am, I don't mind at all. My mind then moves to working out why someone whose car broke down a while back would make such an effort to walk in the rain, shop and come to see me, when we hardly have a decent connection even on a friendship level. Conversation carries on and soon it comes to the crunch. He says, Jojo I've been wondering where we're at in our relationship.... (am totally thrown! wasn't aware I was in a relationship!). I ask, ' What do you mean?'

Mr. Bucks: Oh, I just need to be sure where we are. Are we even friends?
Me: Ofcourse, what would you be doing in my house if you weren't my friend?
Mr. Bucks: You've been giving me mixed signals.
Me: Like what.. and when?
Mr. Bucks: I can't explain, I just got the impression that YOU thought we were more. (am thinking - What?!)
Me: Mr. Bucks, I don't know what gave you that impression but it has never been my intention for us to be more than friends.
Mr. Bucks: Well, I just want you to be clear on that.
Me: Besides, am currently not on the dating page and if I was I'd look for someone (I described everything Mr. Bucks wasn't.)
Mr. Bucks: (looking pensive) Well... I just wanted us to be clear on this. ( I intentionally play down this conversation and the visit takes one more hour.)

How can you be totally unattracted and disinterested in someone and they work themselves into a state of thinking you are in a relationship with them just because you accommodate them on a friendship level? Or did I just meet a weirdo? I'm actually very concerned for myself. Mr Bucks is known to have a confidence crisis and anxiety issues which have resulted in him resigning from a well paying job to doing admin. He also admited having difficulties sustaining relations with people. I have met 2 people now in the last few months who struggle with being relational. is this is a common phenomenon?

Have you had sex with him?

======= Date Modified 08 Sep 2010 18:05:06 =======
cont... After yesterday's experience, I resolved to take Mr. Bucks off my contacts list because I do not want to be part of whatever his problem is. He has since sent 2 texts enquiring on my health which I have been ignored as I do not want to sustain any kind of friendship with a weirdo! has someone experienced this?

======= Date Modified 08 Sep 2010 18:10:01 =======
======= Date Modified 08 Sep 2010 18:06:52 =======
@DanB - NO and that would NEVER happen. am totally NOT attracted to him even on the most remote level. I even avoid hugs after finding out that he seems to derive some pleasure off them. I just say hi or wave!

He may be a weirdo... but then isn't everyone in at least some ways. It seems to me that the main reason you think he's a weirdo is because he's interested in you and you don't find him remotely attractive (you seem repulsed, in fact). I think it's all too easy to think of someone as weird if they've shown an interest in you romantically and the idea repulses you. I've been there and it's not flattering... it's simply uncomfortable and icky, and I tend to resent people who make me feel that way.

So don't think of him too harshly (well, I don't know him- perhaps he is a complete nutter -but there's nothing in what you said to cause alarm). Besides, relating to people in a 'normal' manner isn't that easy for everyone - especially when there's sexual attraction involved (on his part only, of course).

I think you're right not to pursue any kind of relationship with him though. You clearly aren't particularly attached to him on a friendship level, there's no point in spending time with someone who makes you uncomfortable, and he'll never get what he wants either. :-)

======= Date Modified 08 Sep 2010 20:52:46 =======
I dont know this person, but all I'll say is first, please try to not dislike him, if at all possible and second, he is not doing anything so profoundly weird IMO. there's one thing I can guarantee - individual rapports differ *so much* in these instances on non-reciprocation. To me it seems the two of you dont have a rapport/friendship that was strong enough to bear this weirdness. for in that case repulsion couldnt have happened I guess.

So, I guess the repulsion, stopping hugs etc is not ahppening because he is doing weird things, at least from what you say, or because it is a weird scenario - but because there needs to have been a stronger rapport that can exist/survive despite these romantic intricacies?

As for your last question - yup, many people fear commitment and relationships (me being one of them). For these people, if someone is so wonderful that even they feel ready for a relationship and are brave enough to accept that, then that someone is quite worth it IMO.

Just tossing some ideas out for you that I have noticed from social interactions. If he is a person that does not normally receive any sort of human physical interaction (I'm talking not even a pat on the back or things as simple as that), something as simple and routine as a hug for you could be completely out of the norm for him. So that would easily be construed as a sign of interest. (I was like that just after my separation and divorce several years ago with a totally shattered ego. It lasted for a little while, but eventually i got my head back round again.) I should think it comes down to what is considered normal for the person. I don't think he is acting as a weirdo just from that exchange, he is just not used to any sort of human physical interaction or emotional support (is my non-educated guess).
Ultimately, you have to go with what you are comfortable with though, or it will just add to stress and feeling uncomfortable.

======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 14:19:18 =======
======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 14:14:36 =======
Mr. Bucks has texted again and am not about to reply.

Bug - am trying but... i feel he insults my intellect by thinking i could remotely like him. true - am not his friend. i just pity him and because of that am friendly. i should stop!

======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 14:15:28 =======
@wanderingsage - thanks for sharing. sorry about what you went through. i think you just hit the nail in the head. he's one very unhappy person which is one of his most unattractive qualities.

======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 20:00:11 =======

I do not want to come across as anything negative, but I just had to come back and say two things.

How can you feel you are in any position to 'pity' any person? I tried asking myself but I just dont feel big enough somehow, to even feel 'pity'. Sympathy, yes, concern yes, worry, yes, anger, dislike, even loathing yes. Pity? No. Second - how is he insulting your intellect by thinking you could like him? Why couldnt you? Why would he think the reverse - i.e. omg, this girl is too good for me, she would never like me. Why would he think that? Then he would have to have ridiculously low self esteem.

I fail to grasp what is so 'wrong' with him that he deserves pity, and what is so wrong with him that it would be a stretch for him to even imagine going out with you.

======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 20:35:59 =======
======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 20:28:01 =======
@Bug - bearing in mind that English is not my first or only language, I do not have the range of vocabulary you have just listed to express what I call pity. to me all those words express the same thing. by pity i mean 'feel sorry for.'

re intellect - if someone has never shown interest or expressly said so, i think its dumb to assume that they would want anything on that level with you. that's why i feel insulted. if i was interested i would obviously know how to communicate that. which is why i feel accused almost by the statement that i was infact interested.

re what's wrong with him: you need to meet him to appreciate what's wrong with him. another question i find quite odd is ' why would you never like him?' there are choices in this matter you know. to me it hasn't come to the point where everyone makes it to my list. not yet and hopefully never. i have standards.

======= Date Modified 09 Sep 2010 20:44:55 =======
Ok, so, I'll try to explain this once more. By pity, even I understand 'feel sorry for'. And that's what I somehow cant manage to feel for people...maybe others can.

'Why couldn't you (like him)' - y question was rhetorical - I was asking, for the sake of argument, why would the guy not think a girl could like him, why would he think he was so lowly that Jojo would never like him? of course we all have lists and standards. But what I meant was, why would he automatically need to assume that X woman/Jojo/Bug/anyone would not like him. A guy with healthy self esteem should be thinking - why would she not like me, and not 'oh she would never like me'. So my question was not a question to you - i.e. Jojo why dont you like him (there could be N reasons, I dont even know him). My point was - why would it be so unimaginable for him to think you could like him. I'd like to think I am a person any guy might like - I wouldnt like to be a person who think OMG that guy is too good, he'd never like me.

So, in a nutshell, my comment was what he might/should be thinking and not asking you why you dont like him.

Jojo, it isn't rational or reasonable to feel insulted because a guy who likes you expresses some hope that you might like him too. You obviously are insulted, but that's not his fault. Your feelings of being insulted seem to be a consequence of being repulsed. Repulsion is a strong feeling, and you should not continue a 'friendship' (I use the term loosely) with someone who you feel repulsion for.

Re 'pity' vs 'feel sorry for': I pitied the heroin addict I once lived next door to; I felt sorry for her children. They aren't the same emotion. I would never consider a relationship which had its basis in either to be a friendship.

Yes, agree with Bleebles, feel sorry for can have many senses, in the sense you meant Jojo - I wouldnt feel either sorry for or pity for a guy who had hopes that you might like hi back.

And I think there is repulsion here - one of my excellent friends and I have (have had, and have) a situation where romantic affections are unreciprocated (At least as of now), and our friendship/rapport has been remarkably unaffected by this - perhaps its even stronger come to think of it. the situation is ongoing, it is even painful (for one of us), and we are comfortable enough to be able to talk about it (And tons of other things), but this all sees far less important than our rapport which pre-dated all of this, and will survive whatever happens in the long run as far as the romantic angle is concerned.

So, see - unreciprocated liking does not necessarily cause what you are feeling. You are repulsed by him for some reason and I agree, please do not contnue 'being friends'.