Hi all. I'm new to this forum so I hope you don't mind me launching in with my own 'problems'. It's just that no one else will listen to me and I need to get it out somehow.

I'm 6 months into my PhD but I haven't done anything since April. I'm really struggling with my own standards - nothing I write is good enough - and I'm too embarrassed to show anything to my supervisor. I can't handle any criticism. I feel really guilty though because he is a great guy and really supportive. He's set up research work for me, organised for me to speak at his conference and he's now asked me to write a paper with him but I just can't see me managing to do any of these things.

I'm so worried I just spend hours staring at my computer screen or looking on facebook at all the amazing things other people are doing with their lives! The thought of speaking at this conference makes me feel sick. It's a major, but relatively small, conference with some really high ranking scholars and the programme has my name on it - looking all pathetic and pointless beside some of the biggest names in my field. I can't tell my supervisor that I don't want to do it but I also know that I can't possibly go - I'm completely stuck. It's in 6 weeks time and I just don't know what to do!

My friends and family say I'm being silly but I think this is part of a bigger problem - if I can't see myself presenting at conferences, networking or having the guts to send something for publication then I can never be an academic can I? I'm also petrified by my looming fieldwork, which will involve overseas travel. I'm a homebody - the idea of being in a strange city with no one I know is petrifying. Perhaps I'd be best to cut my losses and get out before i've wasted too much time?

The worst thing is that I know the personal development literature back to front 'feel the fear and do it anyway' and all of that. I also feel like I know the answers to my problems "be more positive" "be less of a perfectionist" "speak to someone" but I just can't implement them. Argh!! It's so annoying! I just really really hope someone out there has had a similar experience and can offer some new words of wisdom. HELP!

...and thank you for reading my rant.

Ok - first things first.. breathe! If your professor wants you to write a paper with him and do a lecture then OBVIOUSLY you are good at what you are doing so stop being your own worst critic. It sounds as if you have some anxiety issues you need to work out before being fully successful in your field.

Hey Fairycakes! First off, what you're doing IS amazing! You've got yourself onto a PhD, which by today's standards is not a walk in the park. It's unlikely you would even be there if you weren't capable of getting through it, so remember that. And remind yourself why you wanted to do it in the first place, think about the end point, whoever/whatever inspires you etc. When I get frustrated I think about all the people who suffer from the illness I am studying, including a relative of mine, and what I hope to contribute eventually to this field of research, and I don't stay de-motivated for very long. Your supervisor obviously has a lot of faith in you, so he must be impressed with how you are progressing, or he certainly wouldn't be asking you to present or write articles with him. I guess it all sounds over-whelming right now though- sometimes people having confidence in you can lead to you feeling under more pressure. Speak to your sup about it, perhaps he doesn't realise how tough you are finding things, he might be able to make suggestions to make things a little easier for you. I hate to do the 'feel the fear...' thing on you, but sometimes it works for me. I get really nervous about presenting and I have to present my work to an ethics committee board in a couple of weeks and am shitting myself. Yesterday, in a team meeting my sup completely dropped me in it and announced to everyone that I was going to present my research to them (I had NO prior warning at all) and I nearly died. But I did it :) Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But talk to people- if not your sup, maybe a uni counsellor or something? You CAN do it! KB

Hi Fairycakes, I am also 6 months in and to be honest with you I would be equally nervous at presenting at a conference or writing a paper, and would of told my supervisor that I am not ready to talk at conferences but I would love to have a go at writing a paper, assuming that he would be editing and sending it back for corrections etc. I think its early in the PhD and too soon to be expected to do everything, speak to your supervisor, if you had some of the tasks taken off you, you could probably start to focus a bit more rather than setting yourself on a self-distruct mode. Take one thing at a time, starting with the most pressing, yes obvious, but your putting so much pressure on yourself by worrying about all of these things - and you say your a homebody, well it will probably do you good, we all learn when out of our comfort zones and it pushes the confidence barrier a bit further. Good luck :-)

first of all, how much of this kind of thing have you done before? not necessarily at conferences obviously, but in giving presentations? If you have done this loads of times, then you are quids in, but if you haven't think about what you have to present and how you are going to do it. If you are going to have powerpoint, decide what to put on there, prompts are probably best, as they give you the clues aobut what to say next, but don't give the audience masses of stuff that they read instead of listening to you. Make yourself some cards with the main points on, but don't read a script, as you will probably lose your place. Have a good beginning to get them interested, have an obvious ending. The one thing about these things is people are generally interested in what you have to say and will be attentive and supportive, they have all been there - there may be someone who tries to gain points over you, but the answer is ' that's a really interesting point and I will look into that in the future, thank you for that comment', or 'I've not come across that reference/person/etc. but I can see their work might be relevant to my research, thank you for bringing it to my attention'. Keep to the time allowed, aim to finish a few minutes early, people won't mind that, but if lunch awaits they might not be pleased if they know the queue will be long. Oh and make sure you look around the whole hall, and at the people, then everyone will think you are speaking especially to them, they like that. (p.s. I have been told that power points are a good way of stopping heckling, people tend not to interrupt them, which is why they are used such a lot )- if all this is stuff you already know, then you are well on your way to getting through this anyway, so feel free to ignore it completely

Don't give up, everybody has nerves when they do these things, they just manage to cover it up well most of the time. Same with going to a different country, remember 99.99% of people are lovely, friendly and will give you all the support you need. the others - well you just shrug your shoulders and remind yourself its their loss, not yours. Best of luck.

Excellent advice given so far,

I would agree that six months in seems quite early to be presenting at a conference but if you get the opportunity to do it, I would take it. It is an opportunity to get independant feedback from researchers in your feild on your project which can only be a benefit to your PhD. I agree that most people at conferences will be interested to hear what you will have to say and will ask genuine questions rather than just tryin to score browie points. Conference presentations are quite short and are usually very similar in content and style e.g most people may well be working on very similar things ( from my experience ) so it wont be expected that you have to present something ground breaking. If you prepare well and work out the main points of your arguament and throw together a powerpoint presentation then you will be fine. Get your supervisor to gloss over both your powerpoint and paper. I am sure your supervisor as with most supervisors would not put you in the unfair position of presenting at a conference if your work wasnt up to standard.

learning to deal with critisism is probably one of the most important things you will need to learn. You will recieve both positive and negative critisism of your work throughout your career and although its never something you will ever completely accept it is important not to let feedabck destroy your confidence so much that you don't want to show your work to anyone. If anything it is a very self destructive route to take and one that can have serious consequences for your PhD as I found out the hard way...

There is some great advice in the replies so far and I am not going to repeat any of it. Also, it won't work unless you can answer the following questions:

1. What is it EXACTLY that you are so afraid of? Criticism? Failure? Do you equate the first with the second? Why?
2. What is the worst that can happen?

I would advise writing out your answers- a sort of reflective process. You are obviously smart and brave, or you would not be where you are now. Your supervisor believes in you and is giving you opportunities some of us have to fight tooth and nail for.

I have felt this sort of paralysis before. Like you are being chased and can only run in slow motion. In my experience, the best antidote is action.Get started, and you find that it is not as bad as you feared. Also, practice in front of anyone who will listen.

I apologise if I sound harsh or judgemental. Neither is my intention. Like I said, you sound just the way I have felt before.

All the best!

Everyone experiences real moments of self doubt. It's easy to stay in your comfort zone but this is never the right choice.

Challenging yourself is what life is all about. Just think how great you'll feel when you've done it.:-)

You've had some excellent advice here, it does sound as though you are quite literally scared stiff! I must confess, I'd be much the same - I'm 8 months in now and the very thought of presenting at a conference at this stage is enough to send me to the local secure unit. I must say though - listen to your supervisor!!!! Do you really think for a second that he would drop you in it from a great height? I doubt that somehow, his reputation is at stake too, and he sounds like an amazing guy!

You say that you can't ever see yourself doing all these things that academics do, nor can I Fairycakes, the thought of sticking my head above the parapet is terrifying, but its something we'll learn to do. We're so early in on all of this, our research is still very much in the embryonic stage, we don't feel we have anything to say, and never will have - but that's simply not true!

Look at it this way - we have, what, 3 years maybe to go now til we graduate and are 'academics' and sending in papers regularly, presenting at conferences etc - look back 3 years in your academic career - if like me you did a masters between the u/g and now then you were a 2nd year student 3 years ago in career terms - could you then have seen yourself being the person you are now, writing and researching as you are now, having the faith of an expert as you have now? We take baby steps, but all those baby steps add up and you will be fine. Don't let the terror you're describing and its sounding close to hysteria (and I don't mean that in an insulting way) override you and destroy your future. Take baby steps, talk to your supervisor, let him know how you feel, how worried you are, he will reassure you. Hang in there - some of the greatest performers, academics, musicians and others in the public eye admit to be paralysed by nerves, but somehow find the strength to get out there and do it and you can too.

Hi,

I can totally relate to your problem. I'm almost at the end of this long, dark tunnel (I need to finish by mid-August) and still feel insecure, incompetent and a fraud. Still sh*t my pants if I have to present my work at conferences, that never went away. I tend to do the same time-wasting activities as you are whenever I get stuck in stead of asking for advice (I am doing just that, as I am typing this). Somehow I managed to stick around but don't ask how or why... I have no idea. In a way I know I have reason to be proud of what I've achieved in the end, but I still feel incompetent, as if it's not my world that I am operating in. I'm glad I persisted (for the sake of persisting), but I'm not sure if, given the chance, I would do it all again...

That said, I think that everyone who has an interest and the opportunity to do a PhD should do at least one serious attempt. Give it your all!! You are still in the early stages, and it sounds like your supervisor is ambitious with you (good thing). Great that you already see you have a problem (which can potentially become a huge one), now you can work on it. It's definately not too late, but also certainly not too early to drop a (small) bomb and wake up your supervisor and yourself. Don't indulge in your passiveness and fears (I did, and that is the thing I most regret). Don't end up in a situation in which the only one you can blame is yourself. Talk to someone, to begin with your supervisor! 

Tip for the writing: write down what you want to say, just for yourself. The "delete" and "backspace" buttons on your keyboard are prohibited. Don't have the intention to show this rubbish to anyone, as you are going to write it down in baby language. Just to get to the bare essentials of what you are trying to communicate. This is quite a difficult exercise (make no mistake), but it helps to organize your thoughts. You can then build on that and translate it into science. That's the easy part.

Good luck!

Wow, the amount of great support on this forum is really heartening! I hope you are feeling slightly better about this Fairycakes. One thing I would add is try to do a Presentation Skills or Public Speaking course. Your uni probably runs them or you could try a local FE college. I doubt there are many 'natural' public speakers. All politicians/ tv presenters, etc get this kind of training and I'm sure they all felt like us when they were starting out.