Hiya all,

Just want to off load really: I'm in a panic because I can't seem to get any work done. I'm feeling very, very low, for various personal reason - Christmas and accompanying traumas being one of them, being an over-worked and under paid session lecturer at a uni where they're threatening to make our jobs works experience, and on modules for which there aren't any outlines, or reading, to give the students yet another. I could barely get up and face the day this morning, I felt emotionally battered and bruised, although right now I'm feeling better, but only able too cope with XFactor or similar on TV. I'm usually quite a happy sort of person, but I'm dealing with some difficult and traumatic things at the minute and I feel knocked for six.

My supervisor is BRILLIANT, but it's taking me so long to complete the work he's set me, an outline of my PhD with 500 to 1500 words for each chapter and the introduction, that I fear he's going to think I'm crap, and I fear letting him down, he's sooo helpful and my work has come on dramatically since I transferred to him in May. I've been writing this, much improved, version of it for a total of about 6 weeks, although I was ill for a week of that. I wrote about 1000 words on Thursday (breaking for work at the educational equivalent of Beruit on Friday), and re-vamped a chapter outline last night - that took about an hour. I have two full chapter outlines left to write, and then re-drafting, which I think will take about a week i total, if I'm firing on all cylinders, but right now, I'm not. When I look at my work, I think: 'that looks so interesting, and so much better than it was, I can't wait to get going on it, but my brain is emotionally ******* so I just sink back into a stupor for a while, I just don't feel up to it.

I suppose I want to share, and see what your thoughts are, am I panicking unduly?

Not at all!

It sounds like you have a lot going on there, and I guess its no wonder you are finding it hard to get motivated. We all have days where its hard to get motivated, and I guess we all have things that work for us.

when is your deadline and can you speak to your supervisor about the teaching stuff. Perhaps drawing up a timetable for doing bits of work might help. And give yourself rewards, and time to do things you like. Just a few suggestions, and I hope they work for you. take care

Hi Jemma, Thank you for your words. I don't have a deadline - he just said to write it until I am happy with it, and then send it to him - this is because, when I had deadlines in the past, I'd hand work in that I knew had big things wrong with it, but just couldn't get it done in time. I'm studying at a different uni to the one I teach at, and need the work because it's my only income, I'm self funded. I like the work, believe it or not, I love teaching my subject, I'm just really depressed about the state of things at the minute - things are getting to me more, I suppose, and the prospect of losing my job because the uni management want to make it an internship is demoralising. I also think I'd manage the teaching and rsearch fine if I weren't so down at the minute, I feel weighed down, as though I have weights attched to my arms and legs - this is since Friday night. I usually come out of this sort of thing in a few days, I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not going to be seen as a total slacker by my supervisor.

Eska,
Tackle one thing at a time. If you are worried about the quality of writing, get a friend to look over it. You have a load done already and in fairness, none of us get 100% of what we are meant to do done on time.
You know the advice that is out there, but all I would say is that your panicking is not unfounded but you could possibly aleviate some of it. Maybe you could get your supervisor to look over what you have done already if he has time (it would demonstrate work done and also get necessary feedback). It is a sign of the times in Phds that you have to take on a bigger external workload and be honest in stating that this is tiring you. As for letting your supervisor down, well, are you abusing funding or have you absolutely nothing done? No. It is possible that you just are sick sh!t of the sight of the stuff and need to move onto the next phase of work i.e. a fresh start at interesting topics.
Worst case is just take 5-6 pages and while watching that god-awful tripe that is X-Factor, review what you have written, even in the ad breaks. It will all add up eventually.

Thank you Bonzo, I think the writing I've done is alright, much better than what I've written in the past. I do worry that the quality of my writing, and thinking, will be below parr if my brain is fuzzy, like it is today, and that puts me off writing on days like this. I do love what I'm doing, I don't think I'm fed up with it, but you never know what that inner subconscious phder is feeling...

I did think about contacting my supervisor to let him know that I'm working, but feel I'm behind with things because I was ill for a week, I'm a bit wary of sending him unfinished work though - maybe just telling him what I've done so far.

I think I could just be beating myself up a bit because of my emotional state, but find it hard to get a perspective when I'm this low.

Eska hon, I am myself pretty down right now, as Stressed said on my 'handling criticism' thread, sticking my head under the table and going la-la I'm not listening and throwing toys around..

So i shan't venture out to advise you (Gawd no!) but will just say I'm in a different way kinda where you are now, so do know there's at least one other person feeling like crap this Sunday evening... (if you are still feeling that way though, hope not!)

:-) Chin up! mine too..(or so I say)

The reason for lack of perspective: YOU ARE TIRED!!!
You are working hard and dunno about you, but by Friday, we are all burnt out and two days is not enough time to switch off and forget the stuff. Give up the X-Factor and go for a walk instead ... I know you'll miss the incisive debate and oh so brilliant talent but you'll clear the head and feel a lot better :-)

Thanks Bonzo! It's dark where I live, so although a walk's a good idea, it's not that safe near my inner city flat. I'm going out for some chocolate which I will eat while watching the Richard Dawkin Programe on Darwin... Then watch X Factor! Might do what you said and work on the almost finished chapter outline while XFactor's on, and see how it goes. I've got my dance class tomorrow night, so that should de-fuzz my brain and cheer me up.

..

I have to agree with Bonzo - you sound exhausted. I know I have no concept of what you are going through right now (I may well be in the same boat soon enough) but try and keep your chin up. Your supervisor obviously has an enormous amount of faith in you so I doubt he'll think you're rubbish. Stay positive and enjoy that chocolate - it does wonders for the brain.

Thanks Nh, chocolate and inanity seem to be calming the nerves, and the brain. I think complete rest until tomorrow morn is in order.

-I share a similar kind of experience with being self-funded and a family with two small children and no day care (only relations help when they are free). It becomes overwhelming most of the days, but I try not to dwell on that and just get on with whatever the tasks I have written down for the week to be completed.

Hope the following things, at least one might help you. I do try them all the time but there are days when nothing works, you just have to accept those days and get moving the next day (up).

-Try to stay positive about things you have already done. write down things when you complete them.

-Make a list every week on what you can do during that week and be specific about them. Don't worry if things get dragged on to the next week, as long as you know what needs to be done and you try at least to write few words even when you are down.

-In bad days, just come to this forum and write a thread or reply to something, that helps me to get onto the PhD mindset and the urge to type and write what is needed. Only writing will produce more writing .

-keep teaching problems and issues separate from PhD work. In the need you will be at a better position for teaching with qualification. If you can put your mind to it maybe try to find some place else to teach, what about your uni..tell you supervisor that you would like to take up a job there or the person dealing with recruitment.

- It might also be helpful if you keep one or two days completely for the teaching and any issues with that. The other days you can concentrate on PhD. Even if you have a problem for either, wait for the specific day to deal with them (unless it is a very critical situation)

-Make a list of completed things and keep it where you can see to get motivated.

-If your supervisor is a good listener maybe its worth taking about your difficulties in writing or working in general, they have experience with past students and maybe able to give some ideas on how to be effective.

-When you feel not up to it do some work of referencing, graph or a chart or content page, anything to keep you on the subject and writing.

-Keep us updated and maybe if you work at night, join the nocturnal workers thread to get motivated by others experiences. :-)(up)

Hi Sheena, thanks for that lovely post. I think today is one of those days to just give up on, and move on to tomorrow. I've been promised some teaching work at my uni starting 'after 2010', it's a new department so they're not teaching my subject at undergrad and MA level until then, when their brand spanking new department building is finished (your post reminded me about that: a glimpse of sunshine between the clouds), I do keep pressing them, and for other posts in the department. I'd love to move up there, I'm living 2 hours away at the moment, and 1 hour, plus bus journeys, away from my teaching job, so I spend half my life on a train, which is fine, but expensive even with a student rail card.

I actually work really well when I can, when I'm not whacked out, I tend to try and rest when knackered, so I can work at my best, but I'm just more knackered, and for longer, than usual - so I feel the sands of time slipping through the fingers. But yeah, it's good to have goals and write them down, I must start writing them down somewhere I can see them.

Hello all forum folk, I've been writiing for about an hour now, and feel much better. So thank you for helping me through my dark day yesterday, much appreciated. Love Esk XX

Thats brilliant Eska, well done you! :) keep up the good work. (up)

Great news Eska - i knew you could do it:-)