Hi all, Just started my second year. I constantly oscillate between thinking ‘just relax, not every day can be super productive’ and ‘you’re so lazy, you need to work harder’. I know this partly stems from how isolating the PhD can be (especially as I live far away from campus and my department is very small and unfriendly). My husband says I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and that I work plenty hard already. I know he’s right but it’s so difficult to get rid of these deep feelings of inadequacy. It sounds really childish but I find it really hard to work more than 7-8 hours a day, and at least a couple of those hours are spent procrastinating. I often feel anxious for no (discernible) reason.

My supervisor noted on my upgrade report that I seriously needed to improve my foreign language and essay-writing skills. This was a blow to my already fragile self-confidence. She expects me to be proficient in three difficult languages, two of which I only started learning during Masters/1st year PhD research. My degree is not in languages or literature. The comment about writing skills particularly stung as I’ve not really been criticised for that in the past and it made me feel stupid and embarrassed.

I’m also unenthusiastic about working in academia. Never feeling good enough and constantly being critiqued by people fills me with utter dread and panic. Part of me says ‘get over it, everyone else can seem to do it’ but part of me would rather get an office-based job where I wasn’t always under microscopic scrutiny in the way that I am now. My field is so small and underfunded, however, that the prospect of any job whatsoever seems very pie-in-the-sky! I know it’s normal to feel bogged down and demotivated sometimes but I guess it’s playing on my mind a lot. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it.

You are describing how I felt through most of my second and third year. Don't worry I'm pretty sure it's a normal feeling. Someone said to me the other day 'remember a PhD is just a training scheme, you are not meant to be the best at anything, you are meant to be learning your field and new skills and by the end of your PhD you may be good at them but certainly still not the best and no one should expect that'. I thought that was good advice! And working for 7-8 hours a day is normal, near deadlines I work a bit more but otherwise I stick to that amount, otherwise you can burn out very quickly and make yourself ill.

I'm also not sure about working in Academia, but a PhD can be used in a hundred different ways, we did a course about this at my institute and it was actually really reassuring. They showed as statistics of where people end up 5 years after their PhD's only a small percentage (I think 30%) ended up in Academia, other options included teaching, starting a business, management in companies, working for government agencies etc etc. A PhD shows commitment and project management skills which can be used in a huge amount of future careers.

Yeah the criticism is the hardest part isn't it? You put what feels like a part of your soul into the writing, and then someone comes along and rips it to shreds.

After my first year tranfer report, my advisor at that time asked me "how did you manage to write it in such a short space of time?", and his tone sounded like he was amazed out how well I'd written it (he was also smiling), so I described my daily routine...and then his face changed and he said "no, I meant how did you write it, it's poorly formatted, it could do with a bit more work".

I literally said "Eh?!" I lost my whole train of thought, and got this weird feeling in my chest (panic? embarrassment?, a horrible mixture of the two?)...Can't second guess these people if you tried.

Chin up, though! :)

Hi Caro, Thanks a lot for your thoughtful response. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it's nice to hear that other people were/are able to get through it. A lot of PhD students (myself included) put themselves under pressure but I also feel a lot of pressure from my supervisors. I guess I have to learn when to not let it get to me. I always try to remember the good things I have going in my life, but sometimes you just want to curl up into a ball and hide under the duvet for a few days!

Thanks for your reply PhDefault, sorry to hear about your advisor! I think some people seem to delight in making you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like a bit of revenge as if they were mistreated as a grad student... I just had this horrible feeling of sickness in my stomach for a couple of days after reading my supervisor's comments. We have a good relationship otherwise, and I respect her which definitely made her criticism hurt more. I felt like emailing her and asking whether she realised how upsetting her comments were! Obviously, I didn't because I think I would have just come off as a whiny brat but sometimes I think these academics quickly forget how anxious and inadequate they probably felt during their PhDs.

Hi Nesrine87,

I think it's important to remember that your supervisors are not attacking you personally, but rather, helping you improve your work. Different supervisors have different styles, and some who are very friendly and helpful in person may be the same ones who are more likely to give critical feedback that might appear hurtful (I have one like that).

It's easy to feel that perhaps its a form of revenge when your emotions get involved, but you have to remember that as a PhD student, you are learning, you are not producing the absolute best work that you can be because you still have heaps to learn, and it's a slow process. Your supervisors are also not going to treat you with sensitivity and care, they are going to treat you in a way that is meant to harden you up to prepare you for academia, which is unfortunately, a very harsh environment. After all, the main purpose of a PhD is to prepare to enter academia (though many students, myself included choose not to go this route).

If you approach her, you might come across as not ready to pursue postgraduate scholarship, and that can be damaging in the long run. If you think her comments are bad, I can't imagine how you'll handle publication reviews, or viva examinations which can be exceedingly worse.

It's okay to feel how you're feeling of course! I'm definitely not trying to take that away from you. But just think a bit more about why the comments are hurtful. Often, supervisors only pick out what's bad, they don't highlight the good, which is why it might be coming across as overly negative. They are also (generally, though there are plenty of students here with experiences that say otherwise) not meant to be a reflection of what your supervisor thinks of you as a person or your work. Rather, she is challenging you to be better.

Try working on separating yourself/emotions from your work and see how you feel. It might help!

Also, as a side note, I'm curious as to why you need to be fluent in three languages if your thesis is not situated within a language stream? That I find odd, and counter-productive to your work output. I would bring that up with your supervisor regarding its relevancy to your thesis?

Hi awsoci,

Thanks for your nice message. In my head, I know my supervisors aren't attacking me, but it's good to have it reiterated that it's a form of tough love! I wouldn't dream of approaching her for fear of appearing immature, as you rightly say. As I said, I know in my head that I should deal with these comments rationally but my natural reaction is very negative, and I hate feeling that way because I ought to know better. I think I get so hurt because a lot of my self-esteem is based on my intelligence and work, and then I take it personally when someone criticises my abilities. Hopefully, over time, I'll just get used to harsh criticism and let it wash over me.

I agree that the fluency in three languages seems counter-productive - this is partially why I get very frustrated sometimes. My field is history, and I need to be able to read original sources in these languages but this is incredibly difficult and I can't be expected to be a master right away. I do need to have reading knowledge but my supervisor puts a lot of pressure on me. My university was actually in national news last month for having problems in dealing with students' mental health, so it really is a high-pressure environment. Either way, I just keep telling myself that I can only do my best and nothing more.