Hello,

If you happen to be a PhD student in your early or mid twenties, may I ask if you have ever felt lonely, belonging to no where in the faculty?

I am asking this because I myself am a new PhD which has just turned twenty-five, and I have travelled to another side of this planet to join my new school. When socialising with others, I really feel a bit awkward... I feel that most of the new PhDs in my faculty are already five to seven years older than me, and perhaps because of this mini 'generation gap', we have different hobbies and lifestyles with each other. For example, I like to talk about relationships, shopping or travelling, whereas most of my colleagues like to talk about marriage or even their kids.

Alternatively, if I turn to socialise with the master students (which are usually around the same age with me), most of them will become defensive when they found out that I am a PhD. I think this is partially because that in this faculty, PhD students are sometimes asked to give tutorials to the masters and mark their exam papers - which has created a 'conflict of interest' and turned some of them away. And plus, talking with my master friends about how to fix an inhall exam or finding a job is not very interesting to me either.

So, here am I, sitting in my office and thinking that I belong to nowhere. Do you have the same issue with your life? How would you fix it? Oh and by the way, I would like to mention that I am currently in a small European city (I would almost call it a town), which has very limited lawyer's groups (I am a law researcher) or English-speaking churches.

Thanks for reading this, and have a nice weekend!

Best,

Janice

Hi Janice,
thanks for posting! I feel compelled to write you a reply. I have felt exactly like you!! Except I was a lot older when I started my phd! I did feel awkward because everybody was always younger than me. Once people found out how old I was, they found it hard to interact with me--as if there was this invisible generation gap.

Don't worry if the master students become "defensive", when they get to know you, this "defense" mechanism that they unconsciously put will come down. It just takes time. It's understandable that you may not want to discuss things like job-hunting with masters friends, that's because everybody is on different levels. However, you can still be friends as long as you know where you stand.

Life is like a big drama, everybody has their part to play. It's not that bad, really. Learn to be comfortable with yourself first. Twenty-five is a great age, a wonderful age and you have so much going for you. Don't worry that you belong nowhere. In fact, having a feeling of not belonging anywhere is really a good thing. It allows you to look unto yourself and to go deep within yourself :-) Feeling lonely gives us opportunities to find ways to make ourselves unlonely!

Remember that whatever is going on (the loneliness, feelings of not-belonging)--all these are temporary. They will soon pass.

Do whatever pleases you. Seek happiness in yourself first, friends may be there but they are not solutions for our happiness. As time goes by, you'll gradually find that your other phd colleagues will get to know you--and they will gradually include you in their conversations and by then, you will also gradually learn to relate to them. Time helps.

love satchi

Could you try joining groups based around your hobbies and look beyond the university? Age gaps seem to matter less with shared interests. If you had friends outside the workplace, then it would matter less if you haven't got close friends at work. If you don't speak the local language, then perhaps going to classes would be a good way to meet people in a similar situation? I'm guessing from your post that religion is important for you- is there an English language church community in a neighbouring city perhaps? Even if you couldn't attend every week, maybe you could go once a month to have a sense of community? Or any other expat groups? Also even if it's on your own, try to go places and sightsee at the weekend - keeping busy really can help the disconnected feeling.
Be kind to yourself - you're probably going through a bit of culture shock as well. It always takes time to settle in a new place but even more so if you're coping with a new country / language etc and the sense of not knowing how to do the most basic of things.

Hello Janice!
Thank you for your post... You have described my life!! I am 24, have moved from a small town in Ireland to the US to do a PhD and feel just like you. Too old to form real friendships with the masters students yet not quiet fitting in with the much older other PhD students. There are times when it can be very lonely alright. I'm sure there are many many like us out there; it is just a pity we are not in the same university!!
I will be joining some sports team to see will that help but then, as you know, we are very limited with our free time so I'm slow to commit to too many extra curricular activities.. I guess it is an opportunity for us to focus on getting to know ourselves :) and doing some good work! Hope it all works out well for you,

Sean

Thanks everyone for your help and suggestions!

I would apologise for having bothered you with all these emotional issues! I really should have directed my original question to my counsellor or my vicar, but you see, after moving to my new school I have no one to provide me with psychological support anymore!

For the most of the time I would keep myself busy by writing and publishing journal articles - and therefore make myself too tired to feel anything about my life. But these days, as I have just finished drafting an article, I became a bit emotional - possibly because I have rested too much!

One of the remedies that I can think of is to go to exchange later this year, and move myself to a bigger city which matches better with my lifestyle - a selected group of friends which I can share some sophisticated conversations with, a mellow church, and perhaps a helpful counsellor. I will try to make some good progress with my PhD research, so that my supervisor will be happy to let me go ahead.

Thanks again for all your help, and have a nice weekend!

Best,

Janice

Don't apologise, Janice. People ask for, give and receive support on all sorts of issues on this forum. Stick around!

If I may say so, this doesn't sound the most healthy way of dealing with this situation. It's ok for a short period (I am currently away from my home university on a short placement and in the evenings weekends I do work rather than much socialising, but only because it's just for three months). But if you sustain this approach indefinitely you will end up feeling very burnt out. The clarity of thought a PhD requires is not achieved by working all the hours all the time.

I echo bewildered's suggestions. I'd recommend pursuing at least one hobby. It's easy to say one doesn't have time, but in reality to get through a PhD is as much about stamina and emotional resilience as it is about academic ability - you need an outlet away from your studies. Language classes would help you with day to day life there better, and also introduce you to other people in a similar situation. In addition, choose a hobby such as a sport or something creative where you'd get to interact with people around an activity, so it's not completely dependent on conversational skills.

If you can't find an English language church, but you're going to be in the country for a while, do go along occasionally to a local language one. Firstly it might support language learning you're doing, secondly you might meet people who are able to help you understand the local culture or perhaps point you to activities/people to talk to.

It's hard moving to a new place, but it gets easier over time, especially if you put in the energy to create networks for yourself. It's better to do that sooner than later.

Don't apologise, Janice. People ask for, give and receive support on all sorts of issues on this forum. Stick around!

If I may say so, this doesn't sound the most healthy way of dealing with this situation. It's ok for a short period (I am currently away from my home university on a short placement and in the evenings weekends I do work rather than much socialising, but only because it's just for three months). But if you sustain this approach indefinitely you will end up feeling very burnt out. The clarity of thought a PhD requires is not achieved by working all the hours all the time.

I echo bewildered's suggestions. I'd recommend pursuing at least one hobby. It's easy to say one doesn't have time, but in reality to get through a PhD is as much about stamina and emotional resilience as it is about academic ability - you need an outlet away from your studies. Language classes would help you with day to day life there better, and also introduce you to other people in a similar situation. In addition, choose a hobby such as a sport or something creative where you'd get to interact with people around an activity, so it's not completely dependent on conversational skills.

If you can't find an English language church, but you're going to be in the country for a while, do go along occasionally to a local language one. Firstly it might support language learning you're doing, secondly you might meet people who are able to help you understand the local culture or perhaps point you to activities/people to talk to.

It's hard moving to a new place, but it gets easier over time, especially if you put in the energy to create networks for yourself. It's better to do that sooner than later.

Hi Janice,

I started my PhD at age 25 and moved 60 miles away from my family and friends. I remember thinking I was relatively young in comparision with other PhD students. I started my PhD with a 31/32 year old and I found it really difficult to find some common ground with her!

I was dealing with a break up of a six year relationship during the latter half of my first year of my PhD, which hit me very badly (think I've just about recovered from it!), so I wasn't up for socialising at all! However, I developed close friendships with researchers in my department (who were younger than me) and with my housemates (who were undergraduates and master students).

Given the nature of my PhD and my teaching responsibilities, I spent most of my time in my office working away. To help relax and unwind I used to go on long walks, attend aerobics classes and Pilates. I coped with feeling like a 'fish out of water' and loneliness by keeping busy and occupied.

Best of luck :)