Hi all,

First time poster here (not a great introduction I know!)
I am a NERC funded PhD student due to finish in March. I started my PhD in late 2011 but had to take time off to look after my mum who had cancer, and also to deal with mental health issues of my own - due to this I have used up the allocated "intercalation" periods that NERC offers.

However, over the past few months I have become increasingly depressed and have made 4 attempts to end my life. I am currently seeing NHS specialists and am on suicide watch with the Crisis team, however I have refused to be admitted to hospital. At the moment it is impossible for me to work (am in the writing up stage).
I have emailed the university grad school this morning to tell them of the situation, but I really have no clue of what else to do...feeling pretty helpless.

Does anyone have any advice with regards extentions or funding that might be available to me? Any advice would truly mean a lot to me at the moment.

Hi Tetraselmis

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having. I'm hoping that your uni will be supportive and will help you to explore all the options, but I really just wanted to say please put your health needs first at this time and get whatever support you need. When you're at a crisis point, it's impossible to keep going with other stuff as usual. I hope your department will get back to you quickly, but my advice to you would be to look after yourself first.

Eh Tetraselmis.. that's pretty rough. I have no advice on funding etc but please do remember your health is THE most important thing in life. Everything else is secondary.

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear to what you are going through, and you have obviously had a very difficult few years. My advice is also please put your health first. Take a break from your PhD - as long as you need - and come back to it when you feel better. Do you have access to a counsellor?

Hi Tetraselmis,
I am very sorry for your suffering. I also am also frustrated with my PhD project. However, I won't and never chose end my life since life is the most important in this world. You don't need a PhD to survive but you do need a good body. I have no idea how to extend your funding, but I am sure there must be a better solution than suicide. Even if you cannot have another funding, you still can carry on by doing part time job or whatever to support your study. Don't forget what is the original dream which may not be the PhD degree. Anyway, hope you will recover soon and get rid of any stress. Bless you.
Jasmine

Thanks for your replies.
I am seeing a councillor and have been for some time.
The PhD isn't the cause of my suicidal thoughts and attempts, however it certainly doesn't help. I want this PhD, more than anything. I have worked so damn hard and according to many academics I have Nature/Science worthy data.

However it is near impossible for me to work at the moment. I am unable write with these thoughts in my head, I'm not able to do the usual activities I do to relax (hikes, photography, fishing) because I don't trust myself to be alone, and I've lost most of my closest friends by pushing them away from me as a means to try to save them grief if the worst was to happen. Wherever I go and whatever I do, these fears follow me.

I'm sorry guys, I know this is a difficult subject and I know most of what I said is unstructured. I guess writing it down is somewhat helpful.

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. Secondly, though it is good to have passion for your PhD, don't let it be a reason to neglect taking proper time to recover. I appreciate that in depression it can be difficult to find anything that sparks enjoyment, so I don't want to dissuade you from the pleasure you find in it, but please don't let it come between you and whatever you need to do to get yourself in a better place to fulfill the potential you clearly have.

If I were you I would start here. Not all friends will 'get' your situation but hopefully at least some will understand if you have an open and frank conversation with them about things. It is quite likely those friendships are not truly lost, and are rather temporarily adrift due to your circumstances. Try to reframe your friendships away from the idea of protecting people in case something should happen - to me that seems more like negative reinforcement as it's quite likely that the isolation will make you more vulnerable.

Hope this helps a little. Do keep seeing the counsellor and see if s/he can help you prioritise steps that will enable you to return to an even keel. In the mean time, take as much time out from your PhD as you need.

I agree with HazyJane, isolation normally makes things only worse. I know both sides of the medal, I was near suicide once in a very dark moment and as well had a friend with borderline syndrome who attempted suicide every other week for nearly half a year. It was a tough time, but we got through it and she found purpose/a reason in life again.

Nearly all people that I know of (with one exception) need other people in their life to get some kind of stability and the ability to cope with the inevitable troubles that life throws at us from time to time. So please have a look if you can't attempt to start to repair some of those friendships. They will give you support and sometimes even a reason to stick just a little longer around than you had originally planned to do.

I wish you all the best for your situation and hope that you will feel a bit better soon!