======= Date Modified 27 34 2010 14:34:09 =======
Yes, it's me again, with another dilema...


It's about this girl I was friends with for about 5 years. We were neighbours in London and saw quite a bit of each other during my last year there. We both moved to dfferent places but stayed in touch and I went ot see her quite a lot, although she said he didn't like cities so only came to see me once. We're quite different people, but always had fun and, I thought we respected eachother, complete with differences. However, during one telephone conversation I got quite upset because my friend told me didn't like the way I corrected my niece's mis-use of a semi-colon in a verbally abusive email she'd sent me. My friend thought I was only inviting more attack and aggrivation, which made me feel judged and unsupported, when I was getting quite enough of that from the family at the time, so I didn't reply to a few of her messages afterwards, probably for about 3 months.

Then I got a letter in the post from her telling me she thought I should stay silent and not respond when my family are hurtful and that I need to learn not to argue with people for my own good, she didn't put her address on the letter, so I emailed her asking for it and then rang her that night. During the phone call she said she was terrified of me, that she was in my home town visiting someone else and distraught thinking that she might bump into me and I'd correct her semi-colon use (yes, I know, hilarious), and that she left the address off the letter because she knew I would want to respond. She kept saying, why do you want to speak about the letter? what is your motivation? If you didn't like it just ignore it, as if it's just wrong to want to deal with things. I suggested that given our differnet communication styles we should continue the friendship on another, lighter level, not discussing serious stuff, but she said she couldn't possibly do that, and it was all or nothing for her, plus we'd argued and for her that meant the end of a friendship, so that was it, full stop, we could no longer be friends on any level. I have never been rejected so abruptly before, and it took me a while to get over that rejected feeling. My friendships usually change over the years, getting more distant and closer as both parties go through different stages in life, but I've never had a big full stop like that before.

This was about 6 months ago, and last night I got a bloomin' text message from her saying 'I miss you XXX have you been watching X Factor XX Let's catch up soon X' ???? WHHAAT?


Sorry to be on about this here, I probably have to much time on my hands after my chap 1/2 is finished.

Hi
My opinion is if you want to be friends with her then be friends with her! Give her a second chance but be weary and at least for the beginning time tread carefully.
Maybe she realises she was hasty letting go of a longtime friend.
you could also have a chat (calmly) about what you both want and can give to the freindship to make sure the same thing wont happen again.

Good luck, hope it works out
Sach x

whoa - is this really over a semi colon??? That is a very 'upmarket' argument! No Jeremy Kyle here!

I would say, be friends, but as you say on a lighter note - maybe just talk about x factor and the like, after all with doing the PhD its nice to have friends who keep your mind off the serious stuff.

You wanted to continue the friendship on a "lighter lever"? What do you mean? Some friendships are closer than others, and some, as you say, naturally become more distant or closer as time goes on. But to not only make a decision to back away from a friendship, but to make a suggestion to that effect, seems strange to me. The feelings of rejection you suffered when your friend abruptly... er 'dumped' you are understandable, but those feelings and 'old times sake' aside, how much does this relationship mean to you - have you missed her? Do you think you are good for each other? (Just to be clear: I'm not suggesting that you aren't.) I'm sure this lady has many good qualities, but does she add value to your life?

P.S. Correctly-used semicolons rock ;-)

I've had similar situations with a couple of friends. I won't go into detail but after a lighthearted text comment my best friend took offence and said it might be better of we weren't friends anymore. She can be very dramatic about things and easily takes offence about things since having a number of miscarriages - ie complaining when pregnant women or people with kids are invited to events as if the host was doing it on purpose to upset her. I cannot imagine the heartbreak she has been through but the point is that you have to be so careful what you say around her. My text was nothing to do with that situation though. Anyway, I immediately wanted to text back but I knew it would end up in a worse argument so I didn't reply for a few days. Then I texted saying it would be a shame to lose our friendship after all this time and I hoped that she would reconsider. She did and we are back as best of friends now. We are both going through various traumas at the moment and we are always texting and phoning so I am so glad it got sorted as I would have really missed her if our friendship had ended.
I had another situation where I had to put my Phd first and cancel a meeting with a friend but she got annoyed as she had re-arranged the gasman and got a babysitter. We got into an argument about how she didn't realise how stressful it was doing a PhD and I didn't realise how difficult it was to run a household. We both obviously have very different lifestyles and she texted eventually saying something like it might be better not to continue this friendship. Again I said OK if that's what you want. But a few months later when I was visiting my home town I got in touch to see if she wanted to meet for coffee and we discussed the incident and had a laugh about how precious we had both been.
So I think what I am saying is the semi-colon stuff was probably nothing to do with you but she must have had some issues that she took out on you. If she was scared of you and didn't want to be in touch why did she send you the letter? Maybe she was reaching out in some way. If you value her friendship and want to get in touch again, I'd reply about X-factor or whatever and be light about things. Maybe you could suggest meeting up sometime and perhaps broach the subject face to face if it seems appropriate.

Hi folks, yeah, it has been a pretty odd friendship and I dont miss it; it was mostly based on humour, but I have other friends for that, I find her a bit intense and paranoid. She seems to think I am doomed because I have been to a medium and wouldn't speak to my dying sister about baptism. She's become a big rampant Christian since London and I'm finding she seems to be looking down her nose at me quite a lot, like I need to be saved, I think that's what the letter was about. I have many other friends who are more mature, and who have been around for much, much longer than 5 years.

I just sent her an email saying I find it odd that she thinks she can just breeze back in after ending the friendship and that I'd gone through the process of laying it to rest - all true I did, and it was quite painful to be rejected, so, basically I can't be arsed any more, only in a polite way.

Thank you for your astute advice, have some presents: (gift)(gift)(gift)(gift)

Oh dear, I must get on with painting my living room! I promised myself I'd get it all done by tonight.

Sounds like its run its course then. I'm awful with friends, I never ever bother to stay in touch, I just drift on to the next set. E.g. if I'm asked to meet for a drink by a friend I haven't seen for more than 6 months, then I just won't bother. I tend to have only 1 or 2 friends I actually stay in contact with, and hubby obviously is my BFF :-x