Hi everyone

I haven't been posting much lately, and haven't even been reading the threads as all I've been doing is rewriting, rewriting, and rewriting. And starting a new job I hate. And coping with the news that my dog has cancer and is dying. And crying a lot, even before I found out about the dog.

But then - I've found the perfect job! My research is in a really niche area, and I've been keeping an eye on the market for the last couple of years, and so far have not found one single job I could apply for. But now one has come up - and my supervisor's involved in the consortium of academics who've won a huge grant. So - that's good too. I also have relevant industry experience, as well as this research job being directly related to my thesis. So far, so good.

But - the job is in my home town, where both my partner and I left 20 years ago. I'd be willing to go back - I still have family and friends there - but he isn't. He wants us to move somewhere else, which was my plan too, until this job came up. I can't commute, as it's too far away, and don't want to live apart - my dog has cancer and I don't want to be apart from her or my partner. We also don't want to uproot her, in what might be her final months.

So - does this look like I can't go for the job? Are there any other solutions? I've asked if I could do the job from my current city - which is not unusual in research jobs, but they've said no. I know I'll get really resentful if I don't go for this job - but I also have to think about my poor, sweet dog, who has sat next to me for thousands of hours as I've written, and also my partner...Suggestions? Sometimes I wish I was single, and could just do what I want to do...

Thanks everyone. Life is so s**t at the moment.

Is it possible to do part time or on a job share basis? Not ideal but then you could split your time between that town and where you are now?

Sorry about your dog :-(

Hi Sue

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog :-( don't push yourself too hard while you're dealing with all this, if you're crying a lot then you probably need a break.

Knowing how hard it is for you to get work, and assuming this job might not be permenant anyway (assume it's for the period of the grant?), would your partner not consider at least a temporary move to that place? You've put so much into this career change, it seems terrible to have to pass up this opportunity now it's arrived. And if you know you'll get resentful, what will that do to the relationship? I think you can only choose to pass this up if you genuinely feel it's your own decision and that you're at peace with it. If you feel "I'm going to spit this out in every argument over the next ten years" be honest now.

My husband and I are driven crazy by geography as well, for the past few years I've made the sacrifices and stayed where he was originally based, the irony being that having settled here, he's now away every week with work anyway! A lesson in itself about how apparent certainties can vanish in weeks. But I made the decision positively and we agreed that the next move has to be for my career. Would your partner really not consider something like this, even if you said "we'll go there for x years then you get to pick the next step"?

As for the dog, while it's not ideal to be moving when she's sick, if you're there and your happy, I really think she'll be ok. Dogs are much less concerned about places than about people, she's tied to you and will probably respond to your mood more than any location. We actually moved house a few weeks before our dog died, he really didn't seem to mind (in fact despite being half blind and doddery he was just chuffed to bits about sniffing this new garden!) and it helped my husband to have had him there in that home, and to be able to bury him there.

*hugs* these situations are utterly crap I know, all I can say is to go with your gut, and not to berate yourself for whatever choice you make.

Thanks for the replies, especially your long post, Teek. Peljam, no a job share wouldn't be ideal - I wouldn't earn enough to pay for commuting each week, setting up another place in a different city etc. I'd have to think about moving there permanently and visiting home occasionally.

And thanks Teek, yeh, I have given up so much to make this career change - and I'm not getting any younger and can't afford to pass up opportunities. Trouble is, my partner moved to the current city we're in a few years ago because I found a job here - and so it's definitely his turn to choose where we go next. But even if we moved, my partner would have to find a job in the new city before him and the dog could join me. Thank you for your thoughts - they've given me things to think about, especially the dog.

And yep, I have been pushing myself too hard, but I have to get this finished - a complete draft is due Friday, and I'm going to miss that deadline by weeks. Ah, it's doing my head in. Sorry to ramble so...and thanks again.