I'm currently trying to write my final chapter (got intro and conclusion left after this), and I don't know what's happening to me ... I just can't do it.

Yesterday (whilst trying to structure it) I spent the whole day crying (hysterically most of the time), had numerous panic attacks, and my flat mate thought I was losing my mind (at points I was on the floor in a heap crying and telling myself over and over again that nothing made sense/I'd done it all wrong/I had to get it right).

I just can't see any 'flow' in my work, am not confident/familiar with the theories (the more I look at work, the more words seem to 'run around' on the page), am worried I'm not using the right theoretical stuff, etc, etc, etc. My supervisor - who is great - tries to reassure me by saying that I'm always uncertain about my work, but the work I produce is good (this is reassuring, but places more stress on me as I always look back on my work trying to work out how I wrote it, and then get stressed about trying to write to the same standard again).

CONTINUED ...

I do struggle with work, but I've never felt this unconfident about a chapter (I can usually see connections in the theory - even if the writing is still a huge struggle). It's the hardest chapter I've had to do to date, and I'm not sure that's 'normal' (shouldn't the final big chapter left to write be the 'easiest'?). Does the fact it's so hard mean I'm doing something wrong? (... or could it be a case that because I'm not familiar with this theory, my brain is finding it harder to process/wrap my head around than previous stuff?)

I'm just worried that if I write something, it's going to be all wrong and then I'll have to start again - I haven't got it in me. I want to try and get it as right as possible (as with my other chapters) the first time round, and am convinced that this is the chapter that I'm never going to be able to do (i.e. I've been kidding myself that I'm able to do a PhD, and this is my 'wake-up' call).

CONTINUED ...

If I do write something, I'm also convinced that in the long-term, it's going to fail anyway.

My head has been bad in the past, but never this bad. Should I quit? What should I do?

I haven't actually started proper writing up yet, but I don't think what you described (crying, panic attacks etc) are signs that you're losing it. I think it's just the huge amount of stress. And from the rest of your post it seems that your brain is totally caught up with your thesis - nothing else. I think you need a break, plain and simple. Do you have an upcoming deadline that means you absolutely can't, say, take the weekend off? (with NO WORK) And eat some brazil nuts, they calm you down...

I think you should buy an apple danish, sit in a chair, eat the said danish and contemplate. Think about the ABSOLUTE best and worst scenarios of what may happen. Either way, neither are that important..

Helps to put things in perspective sometimes, even if you forget after a while, just to remind you that the world around you is still there.

Sue - thanks for your response. The problem is, I know the degree of stress I feel is normal to most PhD students. However, the crying fits/panic attacks are very far from normal ... I accept that I am suffering from depression. Also, I eat loads of Brazil nuts (yum!), and eat a very healthy diet. I'm not in a position to take a break, as in my mind, the problem is still there when I return (and I have to have this chapter completed by mid/end of April, or I'm going to fall very behind - my bursary runs out in the summer!). I just feel totally lost, and feel like I'm kidding myself about being able to do a PhD.

Goods

I am not sure if this is any consolation but I can honestly say that the last chapter was the one I struggled with the most. I even posted on here about it. It was so much harder than any of the others to write, and like you, I thought that I had it all wrong etc. Now that I have submitted, I think it was my final 'can I really do this moment?'. Please don't beat yourself up. I managed it. I did present the first draft of this chapter to my supervisor with a note saying it was rubbish, which I was duly told off for (in a good way!)

This is not a constructive reply but you are definitely not alone. You will get through this. Just try writing bits at a time and not focusing on the whole thing, that is what got me through.

Take care and good luck, you CAN do it.

Adem - I'm aware that there is a world out there and other people have 'bigger' problems in the grand scheme of things. The thing is, I've coped with 'bigger things' in my life, but this is the one thing I can't seem to deal with. Also, because of the way my life has panned out, I DO need to get this PhD (if I don't get it, I'll spend my life feeling like a failure/and will result in depression - I know myself too well - but the process is sending me mad/into severe depression).

I've just got to get on with it haven't I?

whilst i can't directly comment on PhD as I havn't even started one yet, I have see people break down over work. Generally people who are perfectionist and try so hard, and care so much about getting it right, they freeze at the first stages, as the fear of not being perfect.

You need to take a step back, you say you won't be able to stop thinking about it, but if you manage to do something else for a weekend, rememeber what life is about outside of the PhD, you'll come back refreshed, with fresh eyes, and more able to see the bigger picture of what you're trying to say.

Sounds normal (if at upper end of scale ) last stages of PhD to me. However, you'll probably find that this is as bad as it gets, the next stage is a sort of resigned calm where you accept that actually, you've worked as hard as you could and done everything to the best of your ability and what will be, will be. I don't mean that this is a 'stuff it, I don't care anymore' stage but that the level of stress you are currently experiencing is simply not sustainable. You will either literally breakdown or move on to the stage I've described above. If you feel that it's heading for the former (starting to fail to cope with everyday life), then take time out and get to your GP pronto. You will know from reading this forum that crises of confidence are the norm at this stage. Believe in your supervisors when they say your work is good enough and also, if they are sympathetic, do talk to them about your feelings.

You WILL get there! We can all try to rationalise that, in the grand scheme of things, a PhD isn't worth the stress but we know in our hearts how much we've worked for it and it's a pretty emotional time. In short, be kind to yourself, do take time out for some fun and look to the future, this stage is tough but you're almost at the finish line. NB The disclaimer; I’m certainly no expert on depression/mental health issues so take my ‘stages of PhD stress’ as being very much anecdotal and based on personal experience! It might not be a bad idea to consult your GP, they are usually v sympathetic (having done higher degrees themselves) and can prescribe you (short-term) something to help if sleeping is becoming a problem or if you have physical symptoms of stress (palpitations, tremor etc).

Hi Goods

symptoms of a depression would be issues like sleeping difficulties (often early waking), no appetite, loosing weight, loss of interest in other activities like hobbies etc, etc.
Anxiety and panic attacks can be related to a depression.
It is difficult to diagnose problems in yourself and although you may have some symptoms of a depression it does not mean that you would have it.

Obviously Ann is right that it may be good idea to contact your GP and to discuss the issue. He or she probably will be able to help.

Rick - I appreciate what you are saying, but I do know that I am suffering from depression (I don't really want to go into details, but it's always been there and has not been helped with the added pressure/stress of doing a PhD).

Fluffymonster - Your advice is helpful. I'm definitely getting caught up with the 'big picture' and should try to focus on writing each section. Did you do a social science PhD? My concern is they aren't going to think I've chosen the 'right theory' for each section - although I understand I can't read everything. Do I just need to be able to justify (by the viva) why I selected the theorists I'm using? (I'm using 'big cheeses' who cover general points - as I'm giving broad overviews of issues - if that makes sense.)

Ann - As always, everything you say makes a lot of sense and is very helpful (you are a star!). It's really reassuring to know that this is 'normal' (i.e. heightened stress at this stage), and that there will be a period of 'calm' to follow (I always knew it would get harder/worse, and I really do hope this is as bad as it gets!).

I'm just so sick and tired/fed up/exhausted with the PhD, and just want my life back (... my 3 year 'deadline' is up this summer, and my supervisor thinks I should be in a position to submit a couple of months over the deadline if I can keep the momentum up - although I'll be happy if it's before December ... which it has to be for financial reasons).

I really don't want this process to 'beat me' - it just hard to keep going at times (... I know you understand what I'm trying to say).

THANK YOU!!!

Ann - PS Have you thought about a career in (PhD) counselling??? ... you'd make a fortune!!! Alternatively, you could write a book on what doing a PhD is REALLY like (much needed me thinks!).