Hi,

This is kind of embarrassing but here goes. I tutored a course 6 months ago and through mutual friends I became friends with a student who was on the course at the time. We didn't become friends at the time of the course, but around 2 months ago so 4 months after the course finished. Anyway over the past few weeks we have become really close and are now seeing each other.

I really like her a lot but I keep thinking that people are going to think it is dodgy because I was her tutor before, even though we didn't become friends until way after. She is 2 years younger than me and is now a PG student too. We have mutual friends which is how we eventually became friends. So it's not like I was thinking it when I was tutoring her or anything like that. I keep worrying it is going to look creepy, even though we are both adults and my friends who know us both keep saying how great it is etc. I never expected to ever be in this situation so I had never really thought about it before.

I guess I am just looking for some perspective from others who work in Uni settings because I am really happy but it is stopping me from being totally happy thinking that I am doing something wrong!

Any thoughts appreciated. If you do think it sounds weird I'll appreciate the honesty! :$

Thanks

Hey. First of all Congrats. In my opinion I see nothing wrong in this. I would have had serious reservations if you were still teaching her or you are at very different positions in life (e.g. she is an undergraduate and you are a professor or something much higher up the scale than she is...I see nothing wrong with PG-UG even). But this is now 6 months later and there is only 2 years between you so things happen. You should be happy you found someone who can support you. Your status now is that you are both PG students, going round in the same circles. So something like this could happen and I do not think anyone will think you are doing anything wrong (I doubt that anyone else will remember you tutored her, except people in the tutor group). Your happiness is most important :) (up) and wish you lots of love :)

I agree with the previous comments - it doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong. The concerns are about abuse of power, but in this situation, there's no power imbalance between you and the person you're seeing, and you're both at a very similar stage, so I can't see a problem with it at all. If you're worried, check your university's code of conduct (or whatever they call it at your institution) but I really can't see anyone taking issue with this. And congratulations too, you sound very happy!

Hey Slowmo, I think it's fine! It might have been difficult if it happened whilst you were tutoring her, but now you're not and you're not likely to be in that position again, so I don't see any reason it should be an issue. Basically you've just started dating a friend, and there's nothing wrong with that. There was a guy in our year who started dating one of his research participants and he did into trouble over that, but that's very very different! Good luck with it! KB

I agree with the other ones, I see nothing wrong with this. Just enjoy it, I think there is nothing here to be ashamed of :-)

Hi,

Thank you all so much for replying - you have really helped put my mind at rest! I can try to stop stressing now and just get on with being happy. And yeah I am very, very happy indeed!:-x

I would never ever have considered it whilst the course was going on, but yeah 6 months has passed now and we are no longer in that situation so it's different.

Thanks again

Hi OP, your embarrassment and anxiety indicates you fear criticism, whether or not it's legitimate or warranted. As a parent of a teenager, in all honesty, I'd have concerns about the situation, but that doesn't mean that you've overstepped the line. It's just a parent thing, I guess.

Hi Artista,

Just to clarify - she isn't a teenager! We are both in our 20s.

Yeah, but I'm a mum, and I'll worry about my daughters when they're still in their 50's. It's just the way it is.

Ok. So what would be your worry specifically?

Thanks

That she (or they) had been primed during the tuition stage, which clearly you're saying isn't the case, but your situation could certainly be interpreted in this way externally.

Ok. Well hopefully people are not going to think that. As I said she is in her mid 20s and she is very smart and has a lot of life experience. We are at the same stage in life really.

All I can do is hope others will not have that view! Since most people here thought it was fine I am just going to continue being happy. I might have a chat with my supervisor about it anyway though to get a more senior perspective.