Hey

I'm a 3rd year PhD in Electrical Engineering. I've been struggling with depression for almost 2 years and I believe that it all originates from my inability to be satisfied with my progression in my PhD. I feel that I haven't learnt as much as I expected from PhD. My supervisors have asked me to finish a journal paper to be able to do my viva but I haven't been able to do it after 2 years.

I've been on anti-depressants for 3 months but it has just alleviated my thoughts of suicide. I think everything is perfect around me but still, I cannot stop my hopelessness. I have very nice and supportive friends and family around. PhD is something I've always yearned to do. My supervisors are also very supportive although they are technically useless to help me with my paper.

Now I'm thinking about quitting PhD but I don't know what to do after that. I'm not sure if I can find a job easily. On the other hand, I don't know how to continue with PhD like this, hopeless, long sleeping hours, crying and isolating myself in my room for couple of days each month.

Please give me your advice, what would you do if you were me?

You need to get more help. Go to your student welfare centre at the uni and see what help you can get. The feeling of dissatisfaction with the progress from time to time, it is part of the process I think, if you were completely content with every aspect of the thesis, then you would have something to worry about. I don't know enough about your area to be able to suggest what to do about the paper, but do you submit it for review or are you using it at a conference. If it is the former, knock it into what you whink is a reasonable state and submit it, then you will get feedback and know what you need to do to it to get it right, for a conference, try it out on your spervisors or fellow PhDers. Don't think it is hopeless, many people on here have been through the same thing and will, no doubt be sending advice, and will support you from a distance, cos that's what people here do, lean on them for support. I would say that we all think we have not learned as much as we expected to, but what you do find out is where the gaps are, and they can provide further research if you want to do it. It is also useful to write down what you have achieved, and I expect there is plenty to put down there. Take care. J

Hi Sheryl.

I'm unable to add much more than Joyce has suggested.  From my limited knowledge i think anti-depressants can take a little while to rebalance your system so its great that you are feeling a bit better and it is hopeful that you're heading in the right direction.

Have you been back to see your GP?   You need to talk this through with him / her and ask to get referred for counselling or other therapy.. there are a lot of support systems out there so use them. You sound like you have a great personal network with family, friends and supervisor who are all on your side, have you discussed this with them?

With regard to your question..  you mention your feeling of hopelessness is due to your "inability to be satisfied with my progression".   I wonder whether your expectations are too high for yourself.. so you're beating yourself up?  I've read a lot of posts on here and a lot of us have felt aimless for a long time with a PhD those that are "lucky" expected to feel that way .. knew it was part of the journey we keep being told about.. and so when we were lost .. absolutely totally lost ... it was fine, expected, and we knew we'd find a way out. 

How does your supervisor assess your progress?  or others who know your work ? As Joyce said getting feedback from a paper will give another view and may help you appreciate that you have something useful to add to your academic community.

I wish you all the best on your return to good health,  you're on the way back.

Chuff 

 

Hi Joyce

Thanks a lot for your reply. I cannot believe that I could get some advice this fast. Your words are so encouraging and deep inside, I believe in every word you're saying. In reality, it seems too far away and out of reach. I've been seeking help from some colleagues and previous classmates. I'm working on data classification and they all say that the data set is too small for the work. The problem is that I cannot get any more data as the data is very specialized and needs couple of years experiments in lab.

I have already got some feedback for my paper from a journal although it was rejected at the end. The feedback was very constructive but the problem is that the main feedback was that the paper isn't a novel contribution to the subject. I'm not sure how other PhD students come up with novelty in their work but I haven't been successful yet. I think I haven't done enough reading and proper research to find something novel but I'm tired of trying. It's been couple of months that I haven't done anything about my project and I don't know where to start now.

Sheryl

Chuff and Joyce give excellent advice. You do sound like you are being very hard on yourself although I know that when you feel down it is very difficult to look objectively at yourself. You have made it to the third year of your PhD so that is an achievment in itself. I definetly struggle with the originality side of things and am terrified that come my viva the external will refuse to assess such a boring PhD! However originality comes in many forms, it could be your theoretical framework, your methodology, your analysis, how you selected your cases etc. I was told that as long as at least one area of your PhD demonstrates originality well that is its contrubution to knowledge. I keep telling myself that my supervisor won't let me go into my viva unless I have a fighting chance of passing - he won't won't he?!? I look at people in science based doctorates and marvel and wonder what they think of those of us in the social sciences.

Although a PhD is hard in many ways for someone feeling the way you do, it does allow you time to think things through as opposed to if you were in a job where you would probably have to take time off.

I would definetely try to get objective, outside help. Somebody who will understand your dilemmas and yet help you come to the best decision for yourself. At the very least search back through the forum here and you will see that most of us suffer from self-doubt which can be really debilitating at times. However strength in numbers...

Thinking of you

A

Hey Sheryl! I can't really add that much to what the others have said but wanted to offer some support. I suffer with bipolar disorder (mainly the depression side of it) and I had to drop out of uni and re-start 3 times in my undergrad degree because I couldn't cope with the depression and I spent a long time in hospital because of it. So I know how awful it is. The thing is, after a 7-year long battle with it and trying out different meds and having ECT many times I am pretty much fine now. You will come out of the other side of it, no matter how unlikely it fees now. But you can't do your PhD in that state- you need to be kind to yourself and get better. The things that helped me were the right medication and also the student counselling service. I have been going there weekly or twice-weekly for 7 years now and they have been fantastic. I think all unis have such a system now so would it be possible to go along to see them? It can be hard to pluck up the courage but I can't tell you in words how much they helped me- they probably saved my life. Meanwhile, you need to stop giving yourself a hard time about your PhD and take a break- I know it's hard when you're so down to try to think positively about anything, but once you get your health back you will. If it really isn't possible to take a break can you perhaps just work a few hours per day and then do something enjoyable or get some exercise or something- exercise is always good :) You will finish your PhD, but you need to have your health back first. If things don't pick up then go back to your doc- there are loads of anti-depressants you can try and the doc might be able to refer you to someone else more specialised as well. Have a big hug! Best, KB

Hope you feel a little more encouraged! :-) Take on board what Ady has said about originality, it can be in many different forms, and doesn't have to be a 'grand theory' - that one comes later when you have got the PhD done and dusted, and what has been said by chuff and kb about looking after yourself. We are all in the same boat, and can be relied upon to bail it out when necessary, or throw someone a lifebelt and are always here.
with best wishes

J

Hi Sheryl,

I voted for take a couple of months off. You, your health and well-being are the most important things in all this and so please do what you feel is right for you but don't make any rash decisions, especially in an emotional state. A PhD is not the be all and end all - really it's not. I'm not enjoying my PhD and in some respects have been hindered in my progress. I made the decsion a long time ago that if I couldn't complete on time or at the latest 3 months after that time I would not complete because a PhD is not really taking me anywhere I want to go. I believe that to be the right decision for me but you need to make your own decisions and in a clear frame of mind, if possible. Be kind to yourself and try to remember that these difficult times will pass sooner or later...

Take care.

Hi friends

I don't know how to thank you for your support and advice. I haven't seen any of you but last week I felt I've got many friends who truly know what I'm going through and that made me feel a lot better. I have read your replies many times to grab the best ones I could do last week.

I decided not to be harsh on myself although it's not that easy. The thoughts of not having done anything still bother me, but I've been trying to put them off at least for a week. I've been working couple of hours in morning and taking afternoons off although I stayed in office and just checked my emails and read some articles. I've been also doing exercise more often and I hope I can increase it this week. This helped more than anything.  I'll wait 2 more months to see how my progress will be and then will decide about taking couple of months off.

Again, thanks you friends for your replies. I'm sure this is not the last time I feel hopeless and I'm not the last PhD student to feel like this. So I'll keep posting and I hope these posts can help others to get out of hopelessness.

Hug
Sheryl

Hi friends

I don't know how to thank you for your support and advice. I haven't seen any of you but last week I felt I've got many friends who truly know what I'm going through and that made me feel a lot better. I have read your replies many times to grab the best ones I could do last week.

I decided not to be harsh on myself although it's not that easy. The thoughts of not having done anything still bother me, but I've been trying to put them off at least for a week. I've been working couple of hours in morning and taking afternoons off although I stayed in office and just checked my emails and read some articles. I've been also doing exercise more often and I hope I can increase it this week. This helped more than anything.  I'll wait 2 more months to see how my progress will be and then will decide about taking couple of months off.

Again, thanks you friends for your replies. I'm sure this is not the last time I feel hopeless and I'm not the last PhD student to feel like this. So I'll keep posting and I hope these posts can help others to get out of hopelessness.

Hug
Sheryl